Second Chances [BxB]

four

When Sebastian returned to his flat, Harvey was sprawled out across the sofa, watching a film on their second hand TV, a mug of coffee between his palms. When his eyes met Sebastian's, he beamed up at him with a bright smile, "Well, look who finally-"

"Please don't." Sebastian shoved Harvey's legs aside, and collapsed onto the sofa beside him.

"What?" Harvey laughed, "Not a good shag?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes, snatching Harvey's coffee out of his hands, and taking a gulp, "A great shag." He murmured, "Bloody brilliant, actually."

Harvey's smile somehow grew even bigger, and he reached forward to ruffle Sebastian's hair, "That's my boy."

"Don't congratulate me." Sebastian scolded, "We're not fifteen."

"No, but until last night, you were practically a born again virgin. This is a big deal-"

"It's not." Sebastian snapped, "Why are you so chirpy? It's annoying."

"Because, my dear friend, this is the first Saturday morning since I was sixteen that I haven't spent hungover." He grinned, "I feel great. I think you're onto something, with this whole sober thing."

Sebastian glared at him, "You do realise that I don't enjoy being sober, right?"

Harvey seemed to instantly realise his mistake, panic flashing in his dark eyes, "Shit, sorry, I didn't-"

"It's fine." Sebastian snapped, "I'm just...I'm on edge. Sorry."

"You okay?" Harvey pressed, his voice softening.

Sebastian nodded. He didn't know how to explain to Harvey all the things that were wrong with him. All the reasons why he wasn't okay. He thought about Declan, and immediately felt guilty again. "I'm going for a shower." He murmured, finishing the rest of Harvey's coffee before pushing himself off the sofa.

"Seb." Harvey said softly, "You can...y'know..." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "You can talk to me."

He couldn't. Because Harvey wouldn't understand. Sebastian barely understood himself. "Thanks." He offered his roommate a weak smile, then disappeared into the bathroom.

He felt like he was washing away another mistake as the hot water scolded his skin. Declan wasn't a mistake, but everything Sebastian had felt was. Because he wasn't meant to feel soft around the edges when he looked at a boy like Declan. He wasn't meant to feel like his heart was going to jump right out of his chest. He wasn't meant to feel like his mouth was dry, and his palms were sweaty, and his skin was buzzing. He wasn't meant to feel any of it because it was nothing short of a betrayal. A betrayal to Alex, to Felix, to himself.

He couldn't hurt anyone else. He refused to hurt anyone else.

And he would. If he let Declan in, he would.

Because that's what Sebastian did. He hurt people. He tore them apart. He destroyed them.

He was a monster.

And Declan deserved better.

When he got out of the shower, he stumbled, and had to grab onto the towel rack for support. The water was too hot. His skin was itching, and his heart was burning, and his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. He couldn't stand.

He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he counted to ten.

He tried not to cry. He counted to ten again. He thought about Declan's laugh. He thought about Felix's smile. He counted to fifteen. He started to cry. Then he sobbed. He tried to think about Alex, but he couldn't picture his face, and it felt like the world was crashing down around him. He counted to five. He stopped. He couldn't remember what came after five.