Guilty Pleasure 01: Pain After Vodka

Pleasure 32

Tahimik ako buong byahe papunta sa aking apartment. Hinatid na ako ni Arthuro matapos ang usapan namin sa hapon na iyon. Tinikom ko na lamang ang aking bibig sa mga sandalng iyon at nag-isip na lamang kung ano ang pipiliin ko at kung ano ang bagay na gusto kong harapin kahit mahirap. I had to choose which one I had to take risk; if I will choose to stay away from him, both of us will get hurt after I heard him he has a feeling on me and if I will choose to be with him I don't know if he deserves me, my life was ruined and I don't want him to engaged on my ruined life.

Hindi ako nagsalita buong byahe dahil nag-iisip, saka lang ako nagsalita nang makita kong malapit na kami sa aking apartment. Kailangan ko siyang makausap, kailangan kong sabihin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya, kailangan kog mag take ng risk dahil sa dalawang pagpipilian ko, parehas lang din naman silang walang kasiguraduhan.

"Are you alright?" marahan ang boses ni Arthuro nang napansin niyang tulala ako buong byahe.

I forced myself to smile for him and I also gave him a nod.

"What are you thinking?" tanong niyang muli habang hawak ang manibela habang tumatakbo ang sasakyan.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tuluyang tinuon ko ang aking buong atensyon sa kanya. "I was just thinking..." panimula ko.

Nakita kong kumunot ang kanyang noo habang nakaharap sa kalsada.

"Thinking about what?"

Bumuga ako ng malalim na hininga bago nagsalita.

"The night you asked me if I was jealous, totoo 'yun, and that was the first time I admitted it to myself that I have feelings for you not because I was pleasured that time."

Hinilig niya ang kanyang braso sa may pintuan ng driver's seat habang nakikinig sa akin.

"And...and about what happened earlier in your office, I didn't expect that—I don't know that you have feelings for me," dagdag ko.

"Are you mad at me? Kasi ngayon ko lang sinabi ang nararamdaman ko?" tanong niya at sumulyap sa akin.

"Hindi ko alam, ang nararandaman ko lang ay takot," pagtatapat ko dahil iyon naman ang totoo, "natatakot ako na baka masira ang buhay mo dahil sa akin, tingnan mo naman ako, Arthuro, sino ba ako matapos mawala ang magulang ko? I am nothing—"

"You're not saying that to yourself, para mo na rin akong ininsulto kung sasabihin mong wala kang saysay, na sira ang buhay mo at wala kang plano."

"Kasi 'yun naman ang totoo!" hindi ko maiwasang mapalakas ang aking boses. I gritted my teeth trying not to burst out my emotions.

"But you're all wrong! Masyado mo lang minamaliit ang sarili mo." Malakas ang pagkakasabi niya ngunit kaagad niya rin binawi sa mga huling salitang binitiwan niya.

"I can see it in your eyes that you want to overcome the pain inside your heart, that's why you are here. You planned to be here because you want to make your life better, and you're trying to build up yourself again because you were so broken and I know that you're still broken, that's why I am here...I am much more willing to help you...simula palang noong nasa probinsya palang ako, I badly want to help you but I also want you to have time to grieve for your family, kahit gustong gusto kong puntahan ka, kahit gusto kong damayan ka, and now that you're trying to make your life better again, I will help you, kahit isantabi ko pa ang aking sarili, because being with you is also building myself too,"

"We can do this, okay?" naramdaman ko ang kanyang kamay sa aking hita. Hindi ko namamalayan na naka-park na pala kami sa harap ng aking apartment.

Malabo ang aking mga mata dahil sa mga salitang binitawan niya, hindi ko nga lang alam kung matutuwa ako o muling masasaktan. All of what he said was true, that I came here because I badly want to make myself better again after all of what happened to me.