Back To You

5

TW- self harm

L E X I
G O N Z A L E S

I let out a happy sigh as I slump down on a bench on top of the massive hill I just hiked up. Loki runs around the mud as he tries to chase a blue butterfly.

The coral coloured sun is slowly making its way down to the horizon over the ocean. I feel my heartbeat begin to slow down, when I looked on maps it told me it was a quick walk up. But it was not.

Standing up from the bench I walk over to the cliff edge, looking down I see the blue ocean crashing against the rock. I see people surfing on the waves and relaxing on the sand.

I would leap off- but I don't think Loki would like that.

I love cliff jumping.

I love the adrenaline rush as I leap off the edge, and the crash into the sea.

Turning away from the cliff edge I begin my walk back down before the sun sets and it gets too dark. Loki leads the way down through the tall green trees that the sun peaks through. My headphones sit around my neck so I can hear the noises of the birds I'm their nests.

The journey back down to my car is a lot quicker than the journey up mainly because I now know the way down.

Unlocking my car I open the passenger side door and Loki jumps up into his doggy seat, i then walk around and climb inside my car. I push down on the window button so we can feel the breeze of the wind on the way home.

I laugh when Loki sticks his head out of the window with this tongue out. The warm breeze flows through my hair, keeping it out my face as I drive down the roads.

This is one of my favourite things to do. Go out on a mini adventure with Loki whilst the sun is setting.

My happiness soon disappears when I see people with cameras stood outside my road. They soon pick up their cameras and snap photos as I drive closer. I close all the windows in my car and press the lock buttons to lock all my doors.

Some of them stand in front of my car so I can't drive or move.

I hear them yell my name from outside the car and some tap on the windows. The uncomfortable feeling in my stomach gets worse as my anxiety increases.

I've never been in a situation where I've had to handle the paparazzi by myself.

I cover my face with my hand but leave enough room so I can still see. Loki continues barking loudly frightening me even more.

I don't know what to do.

I can't drive.
I can't see.
I can't do anything.

Camera flashes blind my eyesight, the noises of them shouting my name and Loki barking deafens my hearing and the way that I feel trapped and alone frightens me.

I am completely trapped.
And helpless.

I didn't even realise my heart beating so fast it could fly out my body or my breathing being more like gasping for air as I feel so suffocated.

I was about to loose all hope until I heard the voices of my families body guards get louder as they run over to my car. The perverted paparazzi quickly disappear leaving me alone.

Leaning my head against the steering wheel I try to catch my breath. I hear a knock on my window. Pressing the button to open it I lift head up to see my Dad stood by my car. I unlock my car so one of the guards can take Loki out.

"We need to get a gate, that's like a barrier between the road and the houses" I tell my dad as I open my car door and hand my keys to Axel.

"Or we just need to move to a more private area"

"I'm not moving again" I grumble walking away from him and toward my house where my Mom and brothers both stand outside, I quickly pass them and head inside my house.

After quickly making it up to my bedroom I make it to my bathroom and pull my hoodie and headphone off. I look in the mirror, my reflection is not a happy one. My hands are still shaking from the shock of it all.

I notice the scars on my arms in my reflection, they're lighter than my natural skin tone which makes them stand out and also very easy spot on paparazzi photos of myself.

I wish that self harm wasn't my coping method but it feels as if it's the only way to cope. Therapy and talking to people about my problems has only ever made it worse. When it comes to talking to people about my self harm, it triggers it and makes me relapse or continue with it.

Keeping my arms covered up after I've done it can alway be difficult especially when it's really hot because then I can't wear a hoodie to cover them. So I them resort to doing it on my thighs.

It's not healthy. I know.
But I can't stop.

I've only ever gone two months clean before something had triggered me to cut myself again.

Nobody understands self harm.
Unless they do it themselves.

Self harm feels like a relief until the guilt clicks in and then the reminder that you've done it very time something rubs up against the cuts.

I hate it when people say 'promise me you'll never do it again' or 'if you do it then I'll do it' it makes me feel even worse than I already am.

I have razors hidden in my bathroom and in my bedroom, my biggest fear would be if my family or friends ever found them. I did it one time and then since then it's been the only way I've been able to cope.

Crouching down I open my bathroom cupboard and pull out the box, the metal rattles inside. Placing it on my bathroom I open it up pulling out one of the razors. I gently run my finger over the blade.

The voices in my head persuade me.

In a few seconds all my problems will be solved.

AUTHORS NOTES

This chapter is a different one from the others. Self harm will be a topic that will come up a lot, so if your uncomfortable with it I'd recommend to stop reading.

Bye Bye

-Nat 💙