drowning

8

Jacob
A week later

As I walked through the hallway of my school, I realized one thing.

Ava was right.

I wasn't ready to be here.

"Jacob, are you okay?" One of my teachers asked me and that's all it took for me to breakdown crying.

She rubbed my back, telling me that it was okay to cry, but it wasn't.

I had been crying for almost a month now and today I was crying infront of my entire football team- it wasn't okay.

I left quickly, desperate to get away from them.

I went into the bathroom, calling Ava.

"What's wrong?" She answered after one ring.

"I thought I could do this, but I don't think I can yet."

She was at the school within five minutes.

I cried the entire ride home.

She rubbed my back, told me it was okay to feel the emotions I was feeling.

We got inside the house, her making me sit on the couch and talk to her.

Once I was calm, I looked to her, seeing concern written all over her face.

But behind that concern, I couldn't even see my sister anymore

She was so much skinnier than before
She wore heavy, dark circles, rarely wearing make up anymore.
Her hair was always braided or up now.

I'd leave this earth with confidence if I knew she'd be okay without me.

I have to make her okay.

Ava.

I got him calmed down and proposed a few ideas of things we could do instead of sit at home, which he all turned down, which was okay.

"I'm going back tomorrow" I heard him say, making me exhale.

"You don't have to-" "I want to."

Whatever you want.

So the next day, I drove him to school, saying a prayer for him as he got out the car.

He would be okay.

Jacob.

The sympathetic looks.
The sympathy hugs.
The girls who used to never even look in my direction now hugging me, asking if I wanted to hang out after school.

Soon the day was dwindling down and I found my way to football practice, excited to finally be able to express some emotion through something I loved.

Just as I changed into my football pants, coach came up to me

"Johnson" I could tell from his face that something was different.

"Hey coach" i exhaled, feeling him pat my shoulder.

"Myself and the assistant coaches thing it's best that you sit this semester out" my heart broke.

The one reason I came back to school.

"Why?" I immediately asked.

"Just until you get back to normal- you're not in the right headspace, we don't want to risk injury or-" "you think I'll ever be normal again?" I managed to laugh out at him.

"Jacob- I understand what you're going through-" "oh really?" I laughed

"Your family died in a tragic car accident?"

"You're fifteen, living with your nineteen year old sister who is now fucking miserable because she has to raise a kid that she didn't even want!" I found myself yelled.

"Jacob, maybe you should go see the counselor-" "no" I laughed out.

I was done talking

"Fuck this."