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We accept the love we think we deserve
Now my life isn't a fairy tale, its far from it. For a long time I thought I was unfixable, broken and never to be fixed but someone gave me a glimpse of happiness, a chance to be better, do better. His name was Ash. For the 5 months I've spent in this mental hospital I've thought about Ash every single day.
I've gone through the 5 stages of grief, first it was denial, for the first month I spent my time with myself talking to myself and telling myself I'm okay and that I'm not crazy and don't need to be here.
Next it was anger, I spend at least 2 months throwing chairs, screaming at staff, and ripping my bedroom apart, that also led to me having to be strapped down for most of my time here.
Then it was bargaining I begged many, many times to be let out and for them to pretend like they haven't just seen me trying to sniff sugar sherbet up my nose, Then came the worst one.
Depression, this emotion killed me, I didnt speak for 3 weeks, like I didnt even open my mouth, I chose silence and that silence did something to me, because of this silence the person evaluating me at the time chose to keep me here longer, Like 2 months longer. Finally came acceptance, and that acceptance happened last night.
And that then leads us to today which is the day I'm being released. For the five months I've spent here I've been able to think of what to say to the people I hurt, my therapist told me to talk to them and tell them why I did it, but I don't want to talk, if I do I will end up crying and I don't want to cry, I've spent far too long being hurt its time to heal.
So I say good bye to the place that helped me, that nurtured me when nobody could. I gather my things and see them waiting at the door. I walk down and hug everyone of them, I get to the last person to see my therapist, there is so much I want to say right now like, Thank you for healing me, thank you for listening, for being there for me, but right now Isn't the time.
So I just smile, I walk past and open the door, I look back just once to see them smiling, their proud and I can see it. I walk towards the car park and let the sun shine on my face, after being locked inside for 5 months I need freedom I'm basically screaming for it.
I pause for a second waiting for my ride, when I see it a small smile makes it way onto my face. I walk towards the car and pause when I here a scream.
"Bitch I have missed you" Maddie says as she gets out the car and practically tackles me to the ground, I hug her back with as much force and I feel her kiss my head.
"Hey Mads" I say as she just stares at me, as I look back at her I see a tear drop leave her eye.
"Its so good to hear your voice, I've been listening to your voicemail every night, I practically know it word for word" She says, I laugh but when I let it sink it it goes straight to my heart.
"I'm guessing you missed me" I say she just hugs me again this time for longer.
As we pull apart I see movement from behind, when I move to look I see Nate and McKay come out the car, I want to roll my eyes at Nate but right now I'm too happy to be mad.
McKay comes up to me and lifts me up into his arms giving me a hug, I sequel and practically hold on for dear life, I laugh as he puts me down and gives me a proper hug.
"Hey McKay" I say, he's changed a lot, he has gown his hair and he looks older.
"I'm so glad your back, the party's haven't been the same and we have had to be Maddie's bitches since your gone, If I here about anymore gossip I might kill myself" He says, then pauses and looks down at me with sympathy "I didnt mean it like that I promise" He says, I just roll my eyes and smirk.
"Don't worry about it, but I am taking a massive break from partying so that might have to go on for a little longer" I say, he just smirks and moves back to Nate can come closer.
"Hey" He says, I wasn't expecting him to be here but now that he is I will just smile, it doesn't mean I have forgotten what he did though.
Maddie ends up telling me everything I have missed and giving me the whole story of how Cassie and McKay aren't together even though McKay was in the back.
When It starts to get late I ask to be dropped off home.
"okay yeah sure Nate you know where it is" Maddie says as Nate starts to drive.
"No actually I'm staying with my uncle now so let me just put it into the satnav so you can follow it" I say as I put it in my phone and pass it to the front.
When I first went into the hospital I got a call from my uncle, I was no longer trusted to be in my own home so I was going to stay with him for a period of time until I could be trusted even though I'm almost 17 and is doing better.
A little change couldn't hurt tho.
When we arrive I get out the car and wave them good bye. I turn around and look at the house that will be my home for some period of time. My uncles house used to give me a eerie vibe, In some ways it still does but if I want to get better I have to open my mind to better things.
I walk inside and look around I attempt to find my uncle but when I see a note on the fridge I know what has happened.
"Work called, Ill see you tomorrow"
Of course work called I say under my breathe, I rip the note off and chuck it in the bin and head upstairs to find another note on the door say 'your bedroom' he couldn't of even put welcome home? I walk in and I see its a spare bed room, it has plain wall and plain sheets, I don't know why I was expecting more.
I put my bag down and lay on the bed and let my mind drift, even though I was talking to Maddie the whole night and listening to things that didnt really interest me anymore I only had one thing on my mind.
