You belong

11

"Give us the most popular donuts you have please, a box of six".

I stand awkwardly behind Jimin and Jungkook as they observe with excitement the delicacies that get chosen one after one, head bent down to hide from all the eyes settled on our group.

I should've known that this would happen, only blind people wouldn't give a shit about our unconventional trio, it's enough to have all my newly acquired confidence fade away with every unblinking eyes on my form.

It's like I did one step forward only to go three steps backwards next, I feel incredibly out of place by their side in this public space where Instagram models come to take pretty pictures before eating three bites of something they're going to put in the trash to avoid putting on too much weight.

Jungkook turns back to gaze at me when I remain silent for too long and smiles at me, a smile I mimic to the best of my abilities, sweaty hands hidden within the large pockets of the jeans I'm wearing. I've got to hand it to Jimin, he's a hero for not giving us the uselessly small or fake ones.

After trying on all the clothes the alpha had put in the changing room for me, clothes that they both insisted I keep at all cost because they apparently looked like they were made for me - I believe my heart swelled twice its size with pride under their compliments - they then proceeded with selecting one particular outfit from the lot that they wanted me to wear for what was to be a date for the three of us.

I thought that would be it, but they continued with styling my hair after asking me for permission while Maggie would put some makeup on my face, just something delicate so that I would feel up for the outing.

She looked like she could see my fragility with her eyes closed and hence was very gentle with me, her voice assuring me that I looked beautiful many times, as if she knew that I was completely out of my comfort zone.

I nearly cried out of disbelief many times at her sweet words but willed the tears away with desperation, though she could see it all, obviously. She looked heartbroken upon seeing the impact her words had on me and so, she couldn't help herself when she gave me a big hug when it was time to part ways and even made me promise to come see her again soon, it made Jimin very happy.

I would be lying if I said that my heart didn't hurt from how good she was to me. From one woman to another, there's a type of healing that I couldn't get from any other source, her sincerity truly touched my soul.

But despite all this, I can still feel myself on edge from the meltdown I had at work and to be confronted to this staring from others so soon, I can't say that I'm fully at ease because I'm used to the insults that always follow up, to the sneers, I'm used to people looking down on me and this doesn't seem any different from what I'm usually forced to endure nearly every day.

I honestly don't want to put up a wall, I don't want to have to lock my emotions away to avoid getting hurt, not during what is supposed to be a fun afternoon. Maybe this is just me being paranoid, but I feel like I can guess what these strangers are thinking about just by glancing at them - they all think that I don't belong with Jimin and Jungkook.

Will I one day manage to make it out of that endless circle of weak self-confidence? It feels like a futile wish out of my reach, pretty clothes don't change the soul so how do I learn to love myself in my most vulnerable state in a genuine way? Is it even possible?

"Are you okay?" I hear Jungkook ask me all of a sudden in a whisper and I raise my eyes to meet his own before nodding my head, they were so excited about this so I don't want to ruin the mood. "Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry".

Unconvinced, he nods nonetheless and thanks the worker once all the donuts in a box, but instead of making a move to get us to a table, he makes us reach an empty corner of the shop to free up the counter and then shares a look with Jimin in what appears to be a silent conversation that makes me tense up because I'm not part of it, I don't know what's going through their mind right now and it's nerve-wrecking.