[BL] I shouldn't have married the crown prince

Chapter 44

When I heard the news it took me a few seconds to understand. The maid who came to wake me up explained me what happened and I listened to her not really getting who she was talking about:

"The Duke's carriage got attacked during the night. It seems it was done by thieves who wanted to take advantage of the Duke's skinny escort. I am sorry to tell you this but the Duke didn't make it. Neither did his escort."

The Duke was dead? He was on his way to prison? I couldn't believe it. The Duke didn't really seem like a real person and seemed more like a background character. I felt his emptiness but at the same time felt nothing. Was this in the book? I couldn't even remember and even if it didn't it would be explained by Cadmael's quicker access to the throne.

I didn't know what to say or what to do with this information. I went about my day as usual and read outside before eating with Cadmael. He kept staring at me in silence but finally asked:

"Are you okay?"

I smiled by reflex:

"Of course."

It was strange but I really did feel fine. Different than fine, I felt like every other day. This was really strange and empty at the same time and I didn't know what to do about it. Should I be crying? Should I do as usual? Should I talk to my brothers? Should I go to see his body? Was I doing something bad by not crying? I had no idea.

I couldn't sleep. I had a hard time feeling my head was way too light and when I finally fell asleep I was woken by terrifying nightmares where I could see foxes, carriages and blood. My father was dead. I didn't really know him but he had still been my father for 12 years. He was dead and I wasn't sad at all. Now that I was in bed I even realized that this light feeling was relief. How could I think this about someone's death? No one deserved to die and I should be sad. Or at least not relieved. What was wrong with me?

The Duke wasn't a good man but this didn't mean he deserved to die, did it? Relief was a horribly calm feeling and I couldn't forget about it. I wanted to sleep but couldn't find peace despite the emptiness. I thought about this feeling again and again before I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and got out of my room starting to walk in the silent hallways. This was somewhat reassuring. Everything was as silent as my heart and I felt like I could blend into the background. I didn't have any specific place in mind but still found myself in front of the emperor's room.

I didn't run into anyone and everything was strangely calm. There were no guards to be seen anywhere and I couldn't even hear steps anywhere. It felt really dangerous to sleep this way for an emperor but I didn't really have time to dwell on it. I didn't want to be caught in front of Cadmael's room but didn't have time to flee because the door opened and I found myself face to face with the emperor. He was in pajamas too and seemed surprised and at the same time happy to see me. Me, on the other hand was very ashamed:

"Sorry I don't know why I'm here. (because you're the only one I talk to)

-Do you want to come in?"

I hesitated. I really didn't want to be alone. I was really scared about what I would hear in my thoughts if I was left with them.

"I don't want to disturb you."

Cadmael's smile was so warm that my legs almost gave out. Seeing how pale I was, Cadmael immediately started to worry and helped me inside. There, he helped me sit on a sofa near the window and went to get me some water before kneeling before me on the ground, his hands on my knees.

"What's going on? You can tell me anything."

I looked at my mug for a long time. I didn't dare look up for a certain reason.