[BL] I shouldn't have married the crown prince

Chapter 60

Cadmael felt that something was bugging me:

"What are you afraid of? I would never let anything happen to you."

I couldn't answer. I felt really lost for a second and seeing my despair, Cadmael let go of the empress talk. There was a strange silence between us and later on I decided to act as if it never happened. Cadmael smiled at me and acted as usual but there was still something strange about him. With everything that was happening, I really wanted to sleep alone but once again woke up soon after. I didn't take my pillow this time and went to Cadmael's room again.

When he saw me arrive he leaned back against the door before smiling softly:

"You didn't take your pillow today?"

I frowned:

"You have enough pillows, now I know.

-I see."

I didn't like the way he said that so I pushed him back and walked to his bed. Seeing me all confident, Cadmael laughed before following me. He turned the lights off and I could feel how happy he was even without looking at him.

"Why don't you move into my room.

-I can't be in the emperor's room.

-Then what are you doing right now?

-That's different.

-How so?

-You are my friend and you are assisting me.

-I see."

I could hear his smile from here and I did my best to ignore it.

"Please go to sleep.

-I understand. I won't ask anymore. But you are always welcome to my room.

-You too.

-Really?"

I thought about it twice. Why was I having some weird feeling?

"Yes..."

Cadmael seemed way too happy hearing that.

"I'm glad to hear that."

He didn't say more and I went to sleep. I fell asleep immediately but for some reason I woke up in cold sweats, my eyes jumping all over making sure that I was safe. My heart was beating way too fast and I started hyperventilating. Warm hands suddenly grabbed my waist and pulled me towards a hard surface. Cadmael started rubbing my head to calm me down and my heart immediately reacted. How could he have such an effect on me? I couldn't think about it now and all I wanted was to feel safe.

I grabbed Cadmael's shirt and pulled him closer to me. I didn't stop until he couldn't come any closer. I buried my face into his chest and immediately smelled him. This was the best smell I ever smelled and felt my muscles relax slowly. Cadmael strengthened his hold around me and started singing me a lullaby.

I never would have thought his voice would be this southing. I never read in the book that the protagonist had such a nice voice and hearing him sing, I felt completely reassured. I started rubbing my head against his chest, my hands clenching more and more. I didn't want to let him go ever. I wanted him to stay by my side. I needed him. I needed him so much that I started crying. Please never leave me.

As if he guessed what I thought, Cadmael kissed my hair:

"Everything is fine. I'm here. You are safe."

Hearing him say that broke my heart because of how much I believed him. I felt my tears swell up and I couldn't hold them back any longer. Now that I felt safe I realized how scared I had been for the past few days. I was scared to close my eyes and scared to go to sleep. I was so stressed out that I got used to my muscles being tense but now that Cadmael was hugging me I finally felt at peace. I cried again and again, completely burnt out.

Cadmael didn't stop stroking my hair for a second, his arms surrounding me from everywhere. I felt suffocated but it was nice. I couldn't get enough of it and wanted to completely disappear in his arms. My tears didn't stop and I couldn't control anything anymore:

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me."

So many years went by and I got used to life here. I wasn't happy but I had my habits. Then Cadmael appeared and without me realizing, he became the most important person by my side. I relied on him and started taking his presence for something natural in my life. I couldn't imagine my future without him by my side. I knew that I had to leave but I didn't want to. Was this bad?

"I'll never leave you."

Why was it so soothing to hear him say this? Even while suffocating in his hold, I couldn't get enough and continued pulling him harder towards me. Cadmael understood and hugged me until I could hear my bones shake. It hurt but it was so nice. Being completely at his mercy, I could finally let go. He was stronger than anyone in this world and I knew I should be scared but for some reason his strength reassured me. I knew that I could let go and nothing bad would happen to me. Was this what being the protagonist's friend felt like? It was the best feeling I ever felt.

I quickly fell asleep and wasn't woken up by any nightmares for the rest of the night. When I woke up I felt something warm against my face and had a hard time breathing. When I opened my eyes it took me a few seconds to understand what was before me. Something huge was blocking my view and I suddenly saw it moving. When I realized it was a chest I recalled what happened during the night and blushed. How could I cry like that? Why was I always crying? I really had to do something about this.

"Are you up already?"

I didn't notice Cadmael was awake and lifted my head towards his eyes. I was really close to him and could feel his breath on my eyes but being way bigger than me, our faces were some distance apart. Being so used to him touching me, I just realized that he was surrounding me with his arms. I couldn't move at all and only looked at him. When he saw my eyes he signed :

"They are a little swollen."

He raised his right hand to my face and I missed his warmth for a second. When he touched my eye I winced.

"Ouch.

-Sorry. Did it hurt?

-It's okay.

-Tell me honestly.

-A little."

Cadmael stared at me for a bit and I was about to ask him what he was thinking when he bent down and kissed my right eye. I was struck by surprise and couldn't move for a second. My face grew red and I started stuttering again. God I hated the effect he had on me.

"W-what are y-you doing?"

Cadmael didn't seem at all fazed as if nothing strange happened.

"Saliva is a good disinfectant."

My eyes were the size of saucers. He wasn't wrong but he didn't need to do that either. Seeing my face, Cadmael smiled before licking my eye again. I suddenly came back to my senses and pushed him away, finally getting out of his arms. It felt cold outside but my cheeks kept me warm.

"T-thank you. B-but don't d-do that."

He laughed.

"You could sleep some more. It's still early."

I shook my head and ran away. Once again I felt his gaze everywhere on my body and I couldn't help looking back. He smirked and I felt my heart drop.

"D-don't look at me like that.

-Like what?

-Like... Like... Never mind."

I couldn't say it and left as quickly as possible.