Breaking stereotypes

Chapter-13

Flashbacks suddenly hits up after a long time. Maybe since I became friends with Ryan. This always happens with me. Something hits up suddenly out of nowhere and I totally go blank. I lose interest. In everything, in hobbies, (not that I have much to begin with) in a series or show I am watching and was actually enjoying and even in a person. I don't want this thing to interrupt my friendship with him. I don't want to lose my platonic feelings for him. What do I do now? I have never won against whatever it is. It is the one that always wins. Always. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose Ryan. I start to panic.
I should have completed my therapy instead of running away. I should have faced it. I am still a coward. I haven't changed at all. I take my anti-anxiety and sleeping pills. (PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT ANY DOCTOR'S RECOMMENDATION)
It took me some moment before I could calm down, before I could sleep. Sleep has always had some issues with me since school time.
Ryan is the last thought on my mind before I completely go to sleep may be around 4:00 a.m
~
Next day~ (Saturday)
I wake up, dress up in my usual attire, cotton white umbrella frock with big blue flower prints with a dark blue head scarf and get on my way to work. I remember something! I forgot to ask for his number. Oh no!
I enter the Library in hope he would come to meet me.
~
As I enter, I see him, ocean green t-shirt and his usuals. The colour combination with his dusky skin looks so refreshing and eye soothing.
Our eyes meet again.
A bright smile curves my lips and ofcourse his too just when I notice little Adya is here too. In a pink and white sleeveless frock totally meant for summer time with two heart squinching ponytails. A better dress and a cleaner attire than the last two times. Did his uncle got a new one? I wonder. Even Ryan doesn't knows every detail of her house but I like to assume that her uncle does pay her attention time to time and isn't totally unaware of his wife's behaviour but doesn't do anything about it. He likes to play it safe and ignore it.
I feel so happy seeing her. I run to hug her, she hugs me back.
Her tragedy comes to my mind. I hug her tightly. She is my first friend and I can't do anything for her.
"Are you here to read story books again?"
Ofcourse! I say on my mind. What would she come to a Library for?
"No, we came to see you!"
What? They came to see me?
I feel so extremely happy. Is this how Ryan felt yesterday?
I was analysing my emotions and everything just when last night's thoughts comes back and I snape out of my happy bubbly world. I immediately put a made-up smile on my face. That thing scares me. I don't know what it is, it just stays there with me, inside me, beside me, everywhere I am, everywhere I go it follows me. I am too focused to put on a made-up expression to notice their reactions but I am sure Ryan noticed the sudden change in me. Is he going to hate me too now? How everyone from my past did after seeing this side of me?
To divert my thoughts, I come back to attain other customers while Adya reads her picture book and Ryan plays his video games with his headphones on.
I lose focus at work today and I notice Ryan giving me glances time to time.
During lunchtime, we decide to go to a new place today but I remember I am afraid of changes. I want to run back to my usual restaurant which I started going to since I came here. I want to hide my fears there.
"Big sis, are you alright?" Adya asks in the most sweetest manner.
No, I am not and I don't want to behave like this infront of you, infront of him.
Calm down! I chant inside my head.
"Yes, big sister is completely fine. What about my little Adya?"
"As you can see, I am very excited for our second date together!"
DATE! I rephrase it on my mind and for some reason I feel so bad. Like something stuck inside my neck, inside my chest. Every positive and happy emotions I have been feeling is being erased and replaced by something dark and sad. I feel guilt. I feel negative. This isn't new but it's happening for the first time since I came here.
"Yay!" I say, "big sister is excited too!"
I know Ryan can see through all my act but he isn't saying anything since Adya is here too.
"Why don't we go to your big sister's favourite place today?" Ryan asks Adya.
"I want to see big sister's favourite place too. It's not fair that only big brother has seen your favourite place." Adya says with a poker smile face. She is like me. The difference is her's isn't a put-up expression while mine are, most of the times. She is naturally like this and she is the sweetest. I already love her alot but I think. . No, it's not possible for me at all.
"I am sorry Adya, okay let's go to my favourite place today and it will be my treat, ONLY FOR ADYA." I say teasingly looking at Ryan.
He smiles knowing I am back to my usual self. God! How can he notice so much? How does he do that? It's the first time ever someone is noticing even the minor details in me. Isn't it too hot today? I talk to myself inside my head.