Breaking stereotypes

Chapter-20

June~
I decided to tell him about my relationship with my family, about my nightmares and about that thing which haunts me everywhere I go. I have already told him about that but not in detail, not that I know about it in details either.
I text him to meet me after my shift at sunset point.
~
As I wait, he walks in. His casual outfit. Red! It's red today. His t-shirt and for some reason I find it pretty romantic. I try to shake that thought off my head.
I am wearing a simple black frock today, reminding myself of what and how I actually am from inside. But as I see him walking towards me in his casuals and red, I forget everything. My mind goes blank and it's hot, cold and breezy. It's half raining and half spring all over. What's with this climate change? Is this global warming? Must be.
~
We sit on a rock and I can notice some people giving us weird looks. He seems uncomfortable and I don't like it. I ignore them but he can't seem to. Okay now I want to break their faces.
~
"So. . I say
"I want to tell you something about my family."
Finally, he smiles. "Are you sure you're ready?" He asks sweetly.
My heart!!
"100% sure"
~
"So long story short, I was born in an orthodox family. The environment in our house was very toxic since I can remember. We were never allowed to live like a normal human, function like a normal human, think and work like a normal human let alone grow up like a normal human. Because of all the chaos between each family members, I had a lonely and frightening childhood. I used to be afraid of my father and my eldest brother as a child. We never knew when they're gonna snap out for no reason, specially my father. You know because of how toxic and abusive my father was, my mother was also mentally affected and I don't blame her for that. I can understand it's hard to keep up with your goodness and kindness when all you get in return is abuse and ungratefulness. But still it hurts that the woman who was once so sweet and loving became abusive too. She started you know". . I continue as something stucks on my neck.
"You don't have to force yourself, if it hurts you." He tries to comfort me.
I control my emotions. "No, I actually want to, please let me."
"Okay." He waits for me.
I continue, "so she also started abusing me, beating me out of frustration, insulting me, discouraging me. I still tried to understand her but I was still a child. Some of the things were hard for me to understand. Why only me? Why isn't she like this with my brothers? Is this because I am a girl? I started hating and questioning myself, my existence, everything about me but I could never find the answer.
I started faking my personality at school, with classmates because I was afraid if I showed who I really am they would leave me too. I was afraid to be alone. I even started searching for friendships online but each had the same outcome. At the end, it was hard for me to fit in. Friendships started breaking. I tried everything I could but at the end everything was for nothing. Every effort went in vein. That's when I noticed that thing lurking around me for the first time. Screaming inside me telling me it will ruin all of my relationships. My family even gave up with my studies and I couldn't do anything about it. I locked myself up in a tiny room for years and years. Cutting myself off from the world. I kept crying and crying for help. Even my tears dried up after some time. The only consistent thing was that strange thing beside me all these years. I passed my time watching animations, movies and dramas.
You know at first, I was very sad, lonely and depressed but slowly I started understanding everything. Why and how nothing lasted. I introduced myself to books and slowly, one day, out of nowhere, I stopped hating on myself, questioning my worth that's also when I found out my real love for books, for reading books and also for. . I stop mid-way. I decided to fight for myself. To figure out myself. To meet myself. I want to love myself. I want to love the fact that I was born. The fact that I was born as a girl. So I fought to come here. I insisted my younger elder brother. He kind of understands me but it's still temporary. He have kind of cut himself off from the family so it includes me as well. But for the sack of blood relation or may be a little humanity inside him, he decided to help me for a while. So, that's my story."
"I forgot to tell you one more thing. I ran away from my therapist because I could finally convince my brother. I was afraid he would change his mind. I didn't want to take the risk. Even seeing a therapist was such a task for me in that family even though I was the one paying from my tuition fees. I anyhow managed to convince them because my continuous nightmares started affecting their everyday lives as well. My mother started changing by then. She even supported my decision to see a therapist but may be it was too late. I could not feel a thing. I want to feel for her again. She was once my favourite human." I was almost at my point but I control myself.
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"They just asked me to keep it a secret from everyone or else the family name would be ruined and still I ran away. As a result I still have nightmares and I could not fight that thing. It's still winning even after all these things I did to come here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid. Again." I shake and take a heavy breathe.
"I just know this from my therapist that my fear for men and relationships are because of my childhood experience from the men in my house and the relationship I saw between my father and mother as I grew up." But to be honest by then I already discovered this on my own. I wanted to learn more about myself, my behaviours, my patterns, my own toxic traits and even work on it but I ran away like a coward. I got afraid at the end."
"One thing I understood very well, I need to stop faking myself and start loving myself even if it means being alone. At one point, I didn't even cared about being with someone. I was happy alone or may be I was pretending I don't know but now that I met you and Adya, I don't want that thing to come inbetween us like it always did. I don't want to lose you two. I want you two to be with me even after seeing the real me." I am at my limits.
~
Shock, anger and sadness conceals his face while I am bawling my eyes out.
People were already giving us looks, now it's even more weirder. He doesn't care this time.
After some time some of them start minding their business, while some are still staring and gossiping.
He doesn't say anything. He just let's me cry.
"You know what hurts the most is that, as a daughter I have said things about my father which I should have never said and I don't even regret it."
I can't stop my tears. He finally hugs me. I hug him tighter and start crying even louder.
"You fought well. You're not a coward."
"You're the strongest person I have ever seen or met."
"Don't worry, no matter what, me and Adya are never going to leave you. The real you. To be honest we have known the real you since the very first day. I don't remember even one moment where you seem to fake yourself." "You have me. Always. I promise."
I stop crying.
He pulls back. His hands on my shoulder, his eyes on mine.
"Tell me one thing. Why are you insecure about your body?" "Sorry if I sound cheesy but you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen."
Tears still on my eyes, water running through my nose.
"Then tell me, why are you insecure about your height?" I ask him looking straight in his eyes.
"Can't you see the looks which people give us when we're together?"
"And can't you see I don't care? Can't you see how amazing you're?" "Can't you see I find your height cute?" "Are you this dumb?"
"If I am amazing then what about you?" "Can't you see you're amazing too?" "I don't know what you're insecure about but I think you're cute too, the cutest, the prettiest."
"It's my straight figure and. . I hesitate. "My small sized breasts" I say in a low voice. I lower my gaze too and look the other side.
He doesn't removes his hands from my shoulders, still staring at my eyes. I stare back.
"You're perfect."
My heart can't take it anymore.