Breaking stereotypes

Chapter-34

It's Christmas vibe everywhere and for the first time it makes me sad. I have always loved Christmas and the vibe when it's almost the time for it. Even though I barely had anyone to celebrate with but I loved it anyway be it in my own town, be it in on television or news or be it in fictional stories. I know why I feel sad for the first time. I was used to being alone and fill the void by indulging myself in fictional world but now I finally found my people and leaving them is making me feel lonely. It saddens me and all of us but we hide our emotions. They had been hiding it for me so that I don't feel weak and it breaks my heart. I am afraid to take the step. But I have to, for them, for myself, for our happily ever after. I have to. We have to. It's my last meet with them before I leave.
We meet at a nearby restaurant. It's a full on winter vibes. I am in my grey and black coat frock today, grey scarf and long black boots and plain open hair with my usual little makeup. He is in a black sweater, my scarf wrapped around his neck and gloves on his hands and black jeans with grey shoes. I look at his shoes and smile.
"So you finally feel cold?" I say as I sit next to Adya giving her a warm smile, facing him.
"Yes" he looks into my eyes, "it's going to get colder now." He ends his sentence with a soft smile which felt so lonely. And those words hurt like piercing knives. I know he is not trying to make me feel guilt but he is feeling lonely, he is afraid too but he is trying his best not to show.
He smiles, "so you also take care of yourself."
I nod my head. "But spring will come again."
He smiles, "It surely will."
Adya sits there quietly in a white and blue jumpsuit, her usual maroon scarf and purple hand gloves, her favourite pink shoes with her open long black hair alongside those big black eyes, tiny round face and her sweet reserved smile. She looks sad but tries her best not to show it on her face. I try to reciprocate their efforts by being the energetic one today. I give them a brighter smile as I go, "so let's order something."
Ryan joins in my act smiling more brightly, "sure." As if we were in a competition of who smiles brighter and hide their real emotion well.
We order our favourites. Adya goes for a hot chocolate milk shake. I wanted to order ice coffee but I shake my thought off. Something inside me tells me it might be the last time I get to show my real desires infront of them and I get afraid. I go for Espresso with the bittersweet flavoured one. Ryan notices me in my dilemma. He goes for vanilla ice cream shake in this winter even when he feels the coldest among us. "You can take sips from mine if you want to." He smiles casually avoiding my gaze trying to make it look as natural as possible.
He keeps doing these silly things which melts my heart everyday. "Hey you told me to take care of myself while you are doing this."
He smiles like a kid caught doing something which thier mom told them not to. "Sorry, this will be the last time."
"It better be." I smile with a 'please take care of yourself' written on my face. While I took sips from both of their drinks none of them were interested in mine. I feel a little hurt and offended. Atleast try before judging it's not even that bitter. We continue with our drinks.
~
The time is moving too fast today.
"I know it's a weird time to ask but what's both of yours dream?" I ask.
They look at each other with surprise.
"I haven't thought yet, I just know I want to be with you with two, always." Adya goes first and continues, "I know you are ill but you will get better soon. We will be waiting for you." I feel like crying. I pat her and nod my head.
I divert my attention to him asking him to say his without actually saying anything. He smiles as he goes, "I haven't told anyone yet but I want to create my own games. The way they saved me at my hardest and loneliest and my confusing times I want to be able to save someone by my games too." He feels shy as he finishes his sentence. His words and his dreams brings a genuine warm smile on my face. Something I imagined his dreams to be, something similar to mine. "You sure will create it someday and we will be there by your side that day and throughout your journey. Right Adya?"
"Yay!" She joys as she sips from her hot chocolate shake. He smiles at her and returns his attention to mine. Now he has the 'tell me yours' look on his face.
"I think you already have guessed."
"Well I did but to be hundred percent sure. What's yours?"
Now I am the one feeling shy. Adya stops sipping on her shake and tilts her face to hear my answer.
I smile it off, "I want to become a writer. I also want to save people by my books the same way books did to me." I feel so shy. I know it's not an easy task to convey your feelings through words. I tried writing but never uploaded them. There were people who appreciated my writing but I always felt like something was missing. Like I wasn't feeling enough. I know the reason why I felt that way. Because I hadn't truly met myself yet. I thought running away, pushing people away, starting a life in a new city would do it for me but nothing felt right until I met them and I realise I was running away from myself the most all these time. Before doing anything I need to accept myself first. Just half heartedly loving yourself and rejecting everyone is not the right way. If I want to save people, the first step is to accept. Accept myself and accept them too and all these time I have been running away from both. But this time I will face it. I will find it my answers, my identity and my ability and confidence to write with all of my heart and soul poured into my writing. I don't know what the outcome will be. It's not like I am returning to forgive or fight with them it's none. I am just going to face them this time no matter the outcome I will accept, overcome and come to a conclusion to all my unresolved questions. This time I won't let my unresolved past to ruin my present and the possibility of a beautiful future. This time I will surely come back to myself, come back to them instead of running away or pushing people away.
~
He smiles with a confidence like yes I knew it. "You definitely will become." He says as he locks his eyes to mine. I can feel his silent support and genuine prayers for me through his eyes. We get silent for a second getting lost into each others' eyes reading the words which our lips didn't tell today."
"Hey Adya is here too." She breaks in the silence making us smile a little harder than all the forced smile we have been giving to each other. We make a pink promise pact that we will make our dreams come true.
This is the first step to it. As we are done with everything, I leave. I leave with tears in my eyes and fears inside me controlling them from showing out. And I notice them doing the same for me. Ryan asked me to drop me till the airport but I insisted to go alone and he didn't force me further. Before we bid goodbye, "When I come back, I want to meet your aunt. She is like a mother figure to you right?" He smiles, "I always wanted to introduce you two but. . He does that head thing again. "And also you need to get rid of that shyness of yours till I come back." He smiles, "sure."
I lean down to reach Adya. "And Adya will take care of herself right? She is a strong person I know she can. Only until your sister comes back after that she will do everything for you. Is that okay?" She nods her head while holding onto Ryan's sweater's sleeve. "Adya can do it but big sister have to promise to take care of herself too."
"Big sister promises." I say and look up at at him who was already looking at me with those eyes which wanted to say so many things but chose to say nothing. I look down at Adya again as I say, "I am sorry I am leaving you, but I am leaving so that I won't have to leave you again," directing my words to him and ofcourse Adya as well. "And when I come back, we will go on a date, only you and me." I look up at him as I complete my sentence trying to tease him. He smiles at my effort. "Hey don't just cut me off the group." And we laugh it off.
Thinking that I am leaving her at the hands of her aunt and leaving him all alone again shatters my heart but for a future together I have to leave now. We don't say anything further. We leave for opposite directions. I start walking and turn back after a while and they were nowhere to be seen now. I start crying loudly in the middle of the road. I might act like I am not gonna leave him or lose feelings for him but the truth is I am still afraid of myself and my ability to lose feelings quickly, sometimes without even any reason I lose feelings. I still hear voices inside my head which says me to leave him and end all the fears and chaos inside my mind right then and there. I might also be hundred percent sure he is not gonna leave me but there is still fear inside me. It's not that I don't trust him. It's me. My trust issues are so bad I just can't help but have doubts and fear even after receiving such sweet and selfless love from him. I don't think he deserves someone like me but I want him. But I will do anything to make this one work out. Not because I was lonely and found a lover but because it's him. It has to be him. I will fight any demon it takes for me to be with him at the end of everything but at the same time the fear of losing to those demons is too high. The fear of another girl coming into his life, the fear of him finding someone better than me, the fear of him falling out of love with me every fear and emotions swirling inside me. People were giving me looks but I cry my heart out before I leave for my flight, to my birthplace, to the town that broke my heart a million times, to the family that messed up with my mental health everyday, to my therapist and my problems from whom I ran away. This time I will face, fight and accept everything. This time I will come to a conclusion and move forward in life. This time I can do it.