✅ Over Protected

18. Alice Takes Charge

I knew the instant I woke up that something was different. My hands crept down under the covers to confirm it before I was fully awake. I had wet myself. After a few more minutes to wake up, and to enjoy the first overtures of birdsong outside my window, I could think more clearly about what had happened.

I hadn't been messing around or anything last night. I hadn't woken in the early hours to pour half a glass of water into my diaper. When I'd gone to bed, I had been too sleepy to even think about something like that. It had been a struggle just to get up to my room, and I'd contemplated asking Mum to help me get into my pyjamas. At the time, I hadn't even been thinking clearly enough to connect those feelings to a couple of drops of PerfectCalm sleeping meds; I'd just known that I wanted to sleep as soon as the movie ended.

I'd thought that I was safe. I'd been so sure that it wouldn't make me wet the bed, because that only happened if your body had been primed by the drugs in the diapers. This wasn't supposed to happen. But as I sat up and felt the swollen padding of my Allnight squish around my bum, I couldn't deny that it had happened. In that moment it was suddenly something to be frightened of; that I could lose control so easily, and that Mum thought this was a reasonable way to punish bad behaviour. I knew right away that I would never be able to trust my own body after this discovery.

From outside my room, I heard footsteps. Mum, approaching Sarah's room. When I struggled to hear, I could make out a couple of faint taps. She was knocking as lightly as she could, so that she could use the "I knocked first" excuse for just barging into Sarah's room. And even if Sarah was doing something forbidden, I thought that really wasn't fair. She wasn't going to learn any kind of responsibility if she got used to just doing what she was told. It might be easier for her to behave that way, but she would never actually grow up until she could make the right choices for herself. And as soon as I thought that, I knew how I would have acted if I'd had no idea what was going on. And to give my sister some breathing room, it seemed like a really good idea.

"Muuuum!" I called out, trying to put every ounce of the uncertainty and fear I was feeling into my voice. And just a couple of seconds later, the door opened.

"What is it, Alice? I need to look after your sister. She's not managing to keep her diapers dry, and–" My eyes went wide as I heard that. Mum knew that Sarah was wet even though she hadn't actually gone into her room? Or was she just being optimistic? I hated that I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. At times like this, it would have been such a relief not to think, and to just trust that Mum loved us both.

"Mum, I..." I interrupted, and then I couldn't finish the sentence. It was just too embarrassing. I couldn't get the words out, so I pulled aside the covers instead. I wanted to say "I don't know what happened," but that would have been a lie. After a second's hesitation, I settled for a question instead.

"Does this mean I got the virus too? It doesn't make sense."

"Oh, sweetie!" Mum came closer and hugged me tight. "I'm so sorry, you must have got the wrong..."

"The wrong what?" I asked, as her voice trailed off. "Please, can you help me? I know you've got a lot of work looking after Sarah, but I've never..."

She didn't say anything more, but hugged me again, and I could feel that she was shaking. This had really worried her, and I hoped that it might make her think twice about what she was doing to Sarah. I didn't like upsetting her so much, but I didn't know what else I could do without causing a massive argument; and I thought that I would rather her feel guilty than angry.

"Don't worry, sweetie," she mumbled. "I'll take care of you. And I won't let this happen again, I promise. Do you think you can clean yourself up if I get you some baby wipes? There are some in Sarah's room. Or would you rather have a shower to help you feel clean?"

"You've got some in your pocket?" I said, tapping the pack of wipes where I could see it pulling at her dressing gown. And while she was searching her thoughts for some kind of excuse why I couldn't use the Star, Butterfly, or whichever ones she had chosen today, I added: "Can you change me, please? Like Sarah..."

"You really want me to?" she asked, raising an eyebrow just a little. "Okay. I'll just... I'll get the diaper bags as well, and tell Sarah I'll take a little longer to get to her. And I'm so sorry about this, I promise, it won't happen again." And then she hurried away, before I could even respond. I was breathing quickly now, wondering what she was going to say. If I hadn't already known what was going on, this would have raised a lot more questions. Maybe thinking about it for a couple more minutes would let her think of some kind of explanation for her weird behaviour.

I wondered if I should ask to wear diapers for the day. After all, my confidence could have been shaken by an accident when I least expected it. But when I reached down for the remaining diaper under my bed, my hands grasped at empty air, and another memory stirred from the night before. I'd thought about wearing it, because maybe they were more absorbant than the Allnights. Just in case the drug was somehow effective, even though I'd been certain that it wouldn't be. And I'd found that it was gone. Had Mum taken it away to protect me? I'd been too tired even to think about it last night, but I wasn't now. Or, perhaps more likely, I could imagine Sarah discreetly reclaiming one. So that she could change herself, and get away with hiding an accident just once. Bringing her a step closer to freedom from diapers.

"Here we go, sweetie," Mum said with a forced grin. "These scented bags are really good for preventing any scent of pee hanging around in your room."

"Thank you, Mummy," I said, blushing. And then I could lay back and smile, and let her clean me up. It didn't surprise me when I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw that the pack of wipes in her pocket today was the previously-unopened one from Sarah's drawer. She was trying to be careful now; she didn't want me to end up feeling like a baby. I guessed that meant I would be a little safer, but it might also create more opportunities for me to ask for the truth.

"There we go," she said after a couple of minutes, lifting my feet up and slipping a pair of green boyshorts over them. "Back in big girl undies. Feeling better now?"

"Yeah, thanks," I said with a smile. "Sorry I asked, I just... I didn't know what to do for a minute there. I guess sometimes I still need my Mummy to look after me."

"You haven't called me 'Mummy' in nearly three years," she pointed out. "Have you been... I mean... I don't want to encourage more accidents, so maybe it would be better not to put you in diapers for a little while. Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Sarah called you Mummy a few times," I answered. "I thought you might like it. And isn't that the opposite of what you said after Lyra got the virus?" I asked. "I mean... If I've started wetting the bed again, that means I can't afford to not wear them."

"Yes, but..." she stumbled over her words, and I wondered if she would be able to come up with anything that would explain it. "That's not going to happen to you. I know that when I started asking you to wear diapers, it was just so that your sister wouldn't feel alone. And then you didn't want to go back on your promise, which I respect. But... now that this has happened, I think you might start to feel more embarrassed by them, and I don't want to put you through that."

"But what if it happens again?"

"It won't, this was a one-off. I promise that. I would never want to embarrass you like that. You're such a good girl, and you think so much about what's best for everyone else. And... I guess that's not going to make much sense to you right now. But I have to confess... I think this was kind of my fault. So please, can you promise to keep a secret from your sister, if I tell you what's happening? Please?"