✅ Over Protected

20. Sarah Makes Plans

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Mum was rushing around the kitchen over breakfast, and seemed a little distracted. I felt kind of guilty about that, because I'd asked her to take my diaper off like I was a baby. She was already doing that for Sarah, and I knew that it meant there was more for her to get done in the limited time available before school. But I didn't know if there was anything I could do to make it easier. Perhaps if she got out of the habit of coddling Sarah, I could ask her to spend a little more time on me. But she couldn't just start treating Sarah like an adult again without arousing her suspicions.

I promised myself that I wouldn't do this to her again. I had to take care of myself, at least so long as Mum's attention was all focused on my sister.

"Mum," I said. "You can't skip breakfast. That's not good for you."

"There's no time," she answered. "They changed the bus schedules again, remember? I'll have to drop you off on Lawrence Street, I'm not having you crossing the main road by yourself at rush hour. Those guys just don't look where they're going. And then I've got to take Sarah, and still get to work before–"

"I'll do it," Sarah interrupted. "I'm big enough to cross the road by myself. If we go together, there's time for Mummy to get breakfast before work."

I looked at Mum as Sarah spoke, and she barely seemed surprised by the offer. But I could tell she was happy when Sarah called her 'Mummy'. And accompanying me to the new stop for the school bus was almost like agreeing to chores; whatever Mum had been doing to her, it seemed to be working. And that was worrying too. Sure, it was nice that my big sister could find more time to help Mum with things, but I didn't like to think that the choice was being taken away from her; that she was being manipulated while the chemicals built up in her bloodstream to make her act more obedient. It just wasn't fair to treat her like that.

I half hoped that Mum could see how uncomfortable that was making me, but she gave no sign that she had even noticed. And ten minutes later I was walking down the street with Sarah. Gem's parents were taking her today, so she didn't need to join us, and Lyra hadn't been to school in the last couple of days; family matters, we'd been told, but I'd heard at least one rumour saying that she'd actually been pulled out of school because somebody was bullying her.

"I'm surprised you offered to walk me," I said as we passed the back of the supermarket. "Aren't you normally with your friends before school?"

"Yeah, but..." she started, and hesitated. The anxiety in those words was clear. She'd wet herself in class recently, I remembered. Her friends might have started teasing her after that. And I wasn't sure if Mum had even realised; did she know that the drugs she'd given Sarah were going further than she had expected? I had to believe that she would tone it down if she knew, but making her believe it would be hard if Sarah wanted to keep that accident to herself.

"But I wanted to talk to you," she carried on. "It's just... I borrowed something from your room. Did you notice?" It took me a couple of seconds to realise that she meant the diaper. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you not to tell Mum. I mean, I'd be in so much trouble..."

"Yeah. So, why did you want it? Being able to trick Mum once can't help that much, can it?"

"I just needed to... Look, she wanted me to get ready for bed early, didn't she? If you know what I mean. But I wanted to see my friends. I don't need an early bedtime like a little kid now, I wanted to go out. And that means I need to get changed. It was just once, but..."

"Couldn't you ask her to let you spend time with friends? Or are these the friends who have to pick on somebody smaller and call it fun?"

"No, this is..." she started, and then sighed. "Ugh. Okay, I'll tell you. I'm not so popular now. The people who used to be friends are laughing at me, and it made me realise how cruel I was, back when I was popular. I just didn't get it. And I've been kind of avoiding thinking about it since then. But I wanted to find out if anybody still held a grudge against me. I wanted to apologise to the nerds we gave a hard time. So many people I was scared to talk to again because I didn't want to admit I'd started being a bully when I was nervous. I guess that's a dumb thing, isn't it? I asked Mum if I could go see them, and she said no because she wanted us to watch that movie together. I just wanted an answer. To know if I'd been as bad as I seemed."

"People you picked on?"

"Yeah. Banish the guilt, maybe. Or see if I'm judging myself too harshly in hindsight. If nobody else, I wanted to talk to Carly, Madison, and Link. And I guess I'm still embarrassed, because I didn't want Bella and all those to see me talking to them. I got two out of three in the end, but I guess that's not bad. And it means I can focus more on doing the right thing going forward."

"Yeah..." I mumbled. If she'd asked Mum, didn't that mean Mum knew where she was going? So why would she say no? Unless, of course, Mum knew that Madison had insatiable curiosity. If Mum knew that she was trying to work out what was happening to Sarah, then letting the two of them talk freely was sure to lead to Sarah finding out some things Mum didn't want her to know.

"Is something wrong?" she said. "You sound like... you don't really believe me? Please, don't tell Mum."

"I won't," I said. "It's just... Well, your friend Madison wanted to talk to me. A couple of weeks ago. She's worried about you."

"I don't think I gave her any reason to care," she said. "She had a little problem, and I told everybody. It's probably the most horrible thing I've ever done. That's why it's been so hard to talk to her again. Is she still mad?"

I hesitated. I really wanted to tell her what Madison had said; but I didn't know how to put it.

"She isn't angry," I said eventually. "She doesn't think you meant to hurt her like that, and she's not going to keep on blaming you for a mistake more than a year later."

We walked in silence for a little while, until she reached the point where we would be parting ways to go to our own schools. But before we parted, Sarah turned to me one more time.

"It wasn't a mistake," she said. "I told everybody about a friend's secret, just so they could laugh at her. And I know I couldn't take it if somebody did that to me now. I'm already scared to go to school, it's an effort of will to walk through the gate. I'm really thinking about that home schooling thing Mum's been reading about. So I don't think she should forgive me. I can tell myself that I just did it so she'd realise the cheerleaders were never her friends, but that's not true. I was just jealous because she was more..."

Sarah hesitated, and then turned away. With that brisk pace, I knew she was too embarrassed to talk more. And at the same time, I wanted to know what she meant by homeschooling. How could Mum possibly have time for that, when she was under so much pressure already? It seemed like everything I learned was only making it harder to understand what was going on.