Love is Pain Sweetheart

Chp. 32....... Glass Ballerina

Jacklyn's death seemed so sudden. I almost couldn't believe it. We had called 911 and they were now on there way. I was relieved to know the storm had broken and we wouldn't have to wait till after. Me and Jacky had grown considerably close. Neither of us got close or much intimate with people but somehow we had a small connection. Now her being gone the only friends I had were Amy. If I as much still had her. I had been gone for months. In and out of her life like a whirl wind. Sometimes I think it would be better to leave that town now and never go back. Plus Blake lives back home and I have caused him so much grief. That day he ran into me as I escaped was just to lucky. I cant keep using him though. Which I could do till there is nothing left I want out of him.

I still believed Jacky had her life stolen unjustly by all the things she was put through in that asylum. To think that was Jasper's sister and he use to live there. No wonder he seemed a little crazy.

As I stood on the water deck I looked out over the water. The water was crystal looking as lily pads floated on top with the white lily flowers in full bloom. Such beauty it was. I wrapped my arms around me as if I was trying to protect myself. Reaching up with my left hand to sweep away my hair from my face. I closed my eyes as if I was trying to let every sound sink into me and the aurora of it sink into me filling up my hole being. I swayed on my feet letting my hips role back and forth.Letting my neck fall to the side. No more tears I thought. I just wanted to let the grief slip away from me right here and now. To remember her for how she was. The happy and amazing person she was. Not sick, not in pain, not dying, and least of all not dead. She would always be alive in me. Alive in my heart. I needed to start to let go of some of my pain. Thoughts of my dead step brother entered my mind. His lifeless body on the ground. The way he was still warm when I touched him. The blank empty look of his eyes. Everything that had happened to me over the course of this last year I hadn't really given much thought to. Maybe it wasn't a whole year but it was coming close to that.

One thing kept persisting in my mind.

How can I forget all of this.

Over the course of my growing up I had been beaten and repeatedly raped by my father and step brother. My life was secluded and lonely with no mother what so ever. Then I was moved because I was to much of a problem. I started sleeping around and not to mention I of course got into the high school drinking scene of things. Another way I let myself get used. Then my brother. The one good person I had in my life gets messed up from the sick things they had to do. Now he wishes to punish his best friend. The man who killed the women he loved and his unborn child. I wish I could have met her. I wish she could have lived. Her and my brothers child. So he uses me as his tool for the job. Then Jasper. God he is so wonderful yet like my worst nightmare. The man who destroyed me. All that had happened before I still held hope to see the sunlight. But he made me die inside yet he made feel more alive than anyone.

Being tied up and left in a cold dark dungeon for days without food or water made my body so weak. Being beaten when he got so angry. Being raped when he couldn't control his emotions. Being loved by the person who didn't know how to love yet I have never felt deeper love than this. I would do anything for him but yet I could kill him just to set myself free from this endless torture. My whole body changed. I am afraid I am not even me anymore. My eyes lost its light, my body lost its strength, my heart broke and lost its hope, my soul just simply left my body leaving me a living dead person.

I no longer felt things like I did before. I

" What are you thinking?" I jumped in surprise from the rough silky voice behind me. I knew who it was.