Station 19-Episodes and oneshots

Therapy-Aftermath

An: i am currently in a psychiatric day clinic, i know what i am talking about, when i say therapy is exhausting. Worse than workouts,

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Maya stepped out of Dr.Lewises office and let out a big breath. She didn't know she had held her breath, but once she was out of the constant watch of the psychologist, she couldn't hold it together anymore. Her hand shook and her breathing got laboured. She walked down the stairs and onto the busy street of Seattle. Cars were driving by and on the others side were a few kids playing hopscotch. Maya took a few breaths in and out. Her body hurt and she felt beyond shitty. She had felt better. She was back to active duty, she was back to firefighting, but that didn't matter much to her. She missed Carina. She trusted that she would get her joy in firefighting and running back and thats why she kept on with it, but right now it was just hard and tireing. A few tears ran down her face and she got out a tissue and wiped them away, then she blew her nose. Maya heared the laughter of the kids and the loud noises of the cars, while she walked down to where she had parked her car. She still had a hard time breathing and felt like she was going to start crying the minute she was completely alone. She drove home and walked up to her apartment, in a trance. With closing the door, the floodgates opened. She cryed and sobbed and currled herself up on the floor of her apartment. She tried to focus on breathing, but it wouldn't work. None of the things Diane had just told her, would work but she also couldn't remember them very well. She just wanted Carina back in her arms. To hold her and be held. Carina wasn't fine. She didn't even say that she was fine, she just tended to the next patient. Maya wanted to hug her and tell her she is safe, because she saw Carinas pain. And nothing hurt her more than seeing Carina in pain. Exept maybe the fact that the more recent pain was all her fault. Diane could tell her that it wasn't her fault but her diseases and that she shouldn't blame herself everytime, she wouldn't believe it. She had hurt Carina and now Carina was being hurt again and she couldn't be there for her. She wasn't hurt by the car, but the mental load all of this had on her was clearly visable.
After while Maya calmed down and moved her aching body to her bed. She just striped her jeans of and currled in. She was so imensly tired and it was just 5pm. She was so exhausted. Her fingers hurt as she pulled over Carinas pillow. Maya burried her face in it. It still smelled like her. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Carina was exhaused. She sat in her car and rested her head on the stearing wheel. When she found the strength to go, she started the engine and took a turn for the hotel. Just before she arrived, she rememeber, that she wanted some books from home. They had a case to which she wanted to read over something in a specific book, which happend to be at the appartement. She sighed and turned around.

She opened the door to find the apartment empty. Maya must be off shift, but she didn't know if she was home. Carina walked up to the bookshelf and looked for the book. "There you are." she said and put it in her bag. It was quite heavy, but Carina loved the familiar feel of the pages and the stickynotes sticking out. She decided to get one of the weighted blanktes. She wasn't sleeping well. The heighted anxiety around the protests making it impossible for her to fully calm down. She used to love the weighted blankets whenever she couldn't sleep and Maya wasn't home to hold her. When she came into the bedroom she frowned. Maya was in bed, on Carinas side sleeping. It was only 6pm. Her face was puffy and pale her eyes read from crying and her cheek were flushed. Carina knew the telltale signs. Maya was sick or getting sick.
Carina put her stuff down and walked up to the sleeping blonde. She strocked a strand of hair out of her face and winced at how hot Mayas face was. She took her cloak of and hung it on the door and took her shoes off. Maya started to move. "Hey." She said with a raspy voice. "Hey." Carina responded. "Are you staying?" Maya asked hopefully seeing Carina took off her shoes and grabed a pair of sweats. "I don't know. But you are sick and i am not feeling great mentaly i think we can use eachothers company. Just tonight." "I'm not sick. I am just exhausted. I had an emergency Therapy appointment after i left the hospital and it left me quite drained." "Bambina, you have a temperture." "I do?" "Mhm." Carina said coming out of the bathroom with the thermometer. "102,7" "oh. Thats why i feel so shitty." Maya said. "Probably. Does anything hurt?" "I should ask you that, you are the one who almost got run over with a car." "But i didn't." Carina said. "But you are right. I feel pretty shitty, too." Maya patted the bed beside her to tell Carina to come and sit. Carina did so and took Mayas hand. "I had a really bad panikattack today. When i heard that a car ran into some doctors. I couldn't calm down. Even after i saw you. So i went to therapy." "You did?" "Mhm. And i cryed there and then i cryed after, that is probably why my voice is so raspy and my nose is stuffy." "And because you are sick my love. But you know that stress weakens the immun system. And a panikattack is immens stress." "I know. I am so cold." Maya said and pulled the blanket up. "You have a fever." Maya nodded. "How are you feeling?" She asked. "I feel.... Angry. Terrified ... Anxious. My therapist suggested to up my medication dosis. I have an appointment with my psyciatrist on monday. I don't sleep well and that makes me quite tired. " She was crying now and Maya pulled her into a hug. "Let me hold you." Maya said as Carina tensed up. "Just right now, let me take some of this hurt of you." Carina relaxed and they stayed in the embrace for a while.
"Maya.?" Carina said after sometime. She felt like she was cooking in Mayas feverish embrace. "Maya?" She said again. Maya had fallen asleep but then woke up. "Hm?" "You are really warm. Lets get you some medicine." Carina said and crawled out from underneath her. "Her take this and drink this. I supose you are dehydrated." "Okay. What about you? Have you had something to eat?" "No. But thats okay." "No, you need food. There is some of Andys caserole in the fridge. I didn't cook it. Take it. it is really good." "Only if you have some, too." Carina said. "Mhm. A little bid. I am not very hungry." Maya said her eyes already closing again. "Sleep. You need rest." Maya nodded and Carina felt her heart jump. It felt great to see the results of all of this therapy and so she decided to wait with dinner and lay down next to her wife. She cuddled into her, not really caring much about the heat and closed her own eyes. And for the first time in a long time she could sleep restfully.