Affluent [H.S]

Thirty Four

25 July 2020
Emersyn Styles

Waking up sweating excessively wearing the thick materials of yesterday's clothes with Buddy's fur tickling all over my face was instantly a horrible way to start the day. Well, the sun hasn't risen yet, my room is still in darkness except the yellow light from the glow in the dark star stickers on my ceiling.

I find my eyes begin to trace the little shapes that I purposely placed amongst the pretend night sky, they mean a lot to me and my high mind. That night Harry and I got high together and my eyes found tiny shapes that are imprinted in my brain forever. It is incredibly important to me.

My hand smooths over my lower stomach, the warmth of my palm has been pressed there all night and I smile up at my ceiling knowing I'm caring for a tiny babe already. It's still extremely early on in the pregnancy but my excitement towards watching my stomach grow is really hitting me quickly.

I can't wait to share this with Harry.

Deep down I'm terrified he'll turn his back on me and not want a child right now in our lives which I'll always understand because we're young, so young but it's my body and I want this baby. I'll listen and respect his fears but I should ultimately have the final decision even if it's something he doesn't necessarily want.

Being scared is okay, I'm petrified. It's the fear of the unknown, I have no idea what the consequences of this pregnancy will be, if I'll need to lie to people about their father or if this will be the thing that completely breaks my family apart so I end up safely tucked away living with Harry, exactly where I want to be.

With a smile on my face I roll onto my side, curling into the comfy sheets. The bed may be colder without the warmth of Harry's body but I feel that heat inside knowing I've got a piece of Harry with me even when we're apart.

There's something so special to me about this, as scared as I am knowing I'm doing something so magical inside my body is simply mesmerising. It doesn't quite feel real yet, I'm sure it'll hit me more when I see my little bump starting to grow but I need to start distracting myself and focusing on other things around me.

Sleep never comes over me again, I end up tossing and turning while this horrible nausea washes over my body. I can tell I'm not going to throw up but every time I move the sick feeling bubbles up and I need to take a few deep breaths in the hopes of calming it down.

I needed to go get some water but physically couldn't get out of bed, laying facing the window to watch the sunrise, all the gentle morning colours painting the sky ready for a new day.

A day in which Harry and I aren't arguing, a new day to process information from yesterday but not dwell on the past.

As terrified as I am being in this house I'm pretty sure I'm safe, if I wasn't I'd hope that Harry would've been hesitant for me to ever be here. He's also made it known that Niall will protect me, that he won't let anything happen to me which is extremely comforting even with everything going on.