I'm Also A We // Hyunlix

All The Things I Didn't Want (You) To Know, Pt. 2

NOW

H Y U N J I N

"Soju, anyone?" Changbin asks, once the meeting has ended, and all but Chan are fully back in the dorm. They had said their awkward goodbyes and thank yous, Chan giving BamBam their messages. Chan had promised not to stay out too late and come back soon, and then Jeongin of all people had rushed towards him and hugged him tightly before they all left. Back in the dorm, Changbin doesn't wait for any reply to his question, walking off into the kitchen without looking back. They have a few bottles there but rarely indulge, their schedules are usually too crazy for that.

Everyone takes a glass, and no one says anything or jokes when Jeongin takes one too, downing the shot in one go. Two more bottles are already waiting on the coffee table.

"You think if we're all getting really drunk, it'll make Channie-hyung drunk too?" Minho wonders, speaking more to the glass in his hand than the rest of them. Jisung next to him bursts out laughing. "We should definitely try."

They've all moved closer in the last hour, from chairs and sofas down to the floor. Not one of them not touching at least one other.

Hyunjin notices that in a detached sort of way, like something he'd usually just see and file away, not paying it too much attention. But Jisung is leaning against Minho's chest, head against his hyung's shoulder, and Hyunjin hasn't seen that in such a long time that it's startling in its normalcy. Seungmin has Changbin's hand in both of his, playing absentmindedly with it, and Felix holds on to the other. He's across from Hyunjin now, entangled himself for a quick bathroom break, and now he's sitting in a way that their legs touch under the table, and Hyunjin doesn't have the heart to pull away. Doesn't find that he particularly wants to.

Jeongin is sitting by Hyunjin's side, their arms touching. "I want the suppressants," he mumbles at one point, and it's not surprising to any of them, but the soft words cut nonetheless, and the room falls silent for a moment.

"You too?" Jisung asks, looking up at Minho, and Hyunjin holds his breath for the answer. There's an entire conversation happening between the two of them, in just that one gaze, neither saying a word.

Minho hesitates, then shrugs. "I think we should decide as a group," comes his equally soft answer, and Hyunjin can tell Jeongin doesn't agree with it.

"I'm sorry," Felix says before Hyunjin can say the same. "I know I'm mostly the reason you want this and I promise that I-"

But Jeongin shakes his head. "You're not, Yongbokkie." He sits up as if he's better able to make his point like that. "I just-," he sighs. "I just want to be able to feel whatever I'm feeling without worrying if you can feel that too. To have whatever reaction I have to something without the fear of hurting anyone with it. We can't control our emotions. And sometimes what we feel is not something we immediately need to share with someone. Sometimes I just want the time to find out why I'm feeling what I'm feeling before I have to justify it to you."

Hyunjin's throat tightens, and he's breathing against the tears that sit so much closer to the surface now that he had something to drink. Because of course, he's right. And of course, he should have every right to his privacy.

"Don't cry, hyung," Jeongin says, rubbing over the back of Hyunjin's neck.

"I'm not," Hyunjin replies weakly, but he manages to keep it in.

o

"I'm going home," Seungmin announces half an hour and another round of shots later, getting up and cracking his back. "Anyone coming with me?"

Jeongin nods and gets up too, helping Seungmin carry at least some of their used plates and cutlery into the kitchen.

"I'm-"Felix's eyes dart over to Hyunjin. "I'm gonna stay here tonight." He doesn't look at Hyunjin again, as if he's not waiting for an answer, and yes, Felix could easily find another bed to sleep in, there's no way Changbin would ever deny him if he asked and they're not really sure if Chan is coming home tonight at all, so that's another bed. But Hyunjin knows he won't say no if Felix asks to sleep in his.