I'm Also A We // Hyunlix

Shattered

THEN

F E L I X

Felix knows that he can't keep this up much longer. He's running on two hours of sleep almost every night now, three when he's not paying attention. Those nights he's too weak to fight the exhaustion. Those nights are the worst. He knows it when he wakes up the next day and looks into the faces of his members. The fear is worse at night. He dreams of a burning house then, of Hyunjin trapped inside. Sometimes he dreams of a world that doesn't remember who Hyunjin is. As if the missing link in Felix is erasing him from everyone else's consciousness.

He knows the others can feel that fear, and probably wake up with it in the middle of the night just like he does. And they must be as exhausted as he is. They've just returned from the tour in the States, their connection barely a full month old, and Felix doesn't know how he's supposed to live with this.

At the dorm, Felix turns on the faucet and wipes his face with cold water. Another thing he's been doing a lot these days. It's late, schedule has been long over, and some of the others are getting ready for bed, so Felix's nightly ritual begins. The one where he comes up with more and more ways to keep himself busy, and more importantly, awake.

He looks up at the mirror and sees his tired face one moment before it's Jeongin looking back.

Felix stumbles away just as Jeongin recognizes him too.

"I'm sorry," Felix whispers, and those words make up half of everything he says now.

Jeongin sighs and Felix sees how much he tries not to be angry. "Are you done in the bathroom, hyung?" he asks, the voice coming so clear inside Felix's head as if he's standing right next to him.

"Sure." Felix dries his face and his hands quickly, rushing out of the room as if those few seconds would make a difference, and he wouldn't be such a burden to everyone if he just managed to give Jeongin space in their shared bathroom.

Jeongin waits in the hallway, looking like he just did in the mirror, and Felix apologizes again.

"It's okay," Jeongin mumbles, rubbing Felix's shoulder for a moment before shuffling into the bathroom himself.

Felix knows it's not okay. The way he trespasses his member's thoughts, can't help but show up next to them uninvited, or how he affects them with his own emotions. Every fear, every bout of sadness, every surge of happiness - all of that seeps out of him and into his member's consciousness. Felix feels like an intruder, knows that this is what he is, and it's the word he uses when he tries to be good, to be gentle with himself. Other words dance inside his head when he isn't trying. Those very same words that he fights to keep away from the others.

He turns on his computer once he's in his room, listens to the sounds of it starting, and it's not even done when he realizes that this is not what he wants to do, what will help him today to stay awake.

Felix finds his phone and puts on a warm hoodie, and he doesn't tell anyone he's leaving. There's no point in communicating his whereabouts when the members can just think of him, or feel for him (they all describe it differently, the connection), and they would be right beside him, wherever he is.

He walks, aimlessly at first, with his hood up and his hands in his pockets and the few people he encounters don't look as if they're recognizing him. It's helping at first in waking him up and keeping the anxiety at a level he can endure before the walking tires him out. His legs start hurting, a pain that is more the combined exhaustion of the last weeks than just that of the walk, and the moment he decides to head back, he realizes he has no idea where he is. A quick glance at his phone tells him that he's been walking for almost two hours, in one direction, and he would either have to walk the same way back or find out which subway lines to take. Or he could try calling a taxi.