Case 420 /finished BxB/

10. new start

When i wake up the next day i draid going to work. I will get a new job appointed and quiet honesntly im not looking forward to learning a new routine of someone again.

I still have a few hours until i have to clock in because i woke up at 4am. I usually hate waking up in the morning but i guess not this time.

I go to the bathroom and splash water in my face. I look into the mirror and see the insane eyebags i have. If anyone asks about it i will ignore the fuck out of it.

I see my fluffy hair and i hate it. I get a pair of scissors and stare at them for a few secconds thinking over my decision.

"I like your hair" ash words flow through my head. He used to tell me he loved my hair back then.... i kept it the same way.

I shouldve kept my promise and stay away from him forever. I really should. For my safety and for his. Cutting my hair off will be the first step into letting him go.

Into letting our past go and cutting our future short. I cant let him into my brain again. Ever.

I start snapping off the bits and pieces until the whole sink and ground are filled with pieces of hair. I look back in the mirror and almost dont recognize myself.

I get a pair of clippers and give myself a buzzcut. But in the end i still dont feel free. I dont feel anything. All the emotions i had that he sparked up again left me. Nothing is there except the beating of my heart and the breathing of my lungs. I am just a shell of a person. Just how i was before.

I run my hands over my head and like the feeling of the buzzcut. Its easier to style and it wont remind me of him.

I brush up the hairs and throw it in the trash. I still feel nothing. I like it.

The therapist i had for a few short weeks told me that feeling nothing is a side effect of trauma and i should probably look into it and not ignore it. But just like i am doing right now, ill ignore it.

I take ash his clothes and the smell of him is lingering on it. I hate it. I get a small trashcan and put the clothes in. I should burn them....

At the end i decided to keep them and folded them up and stashed them away in a nook of the closet.

I do my usual morning routine and go to work and walk through the tree lined city street. When i arrive at work everyone is staring at me. Specifically my hair.

I havent been to work because the case switch. They didnt have any job for me at that moment so my boss had texted me to come when he had a new job for me.

I ignore everyones looks on me and look straight ahead. I walk to my boss his office and open the door.

"Wow" he just says and i dont respond with anything. "I like the new hair" he says uneasy with the not talking. I just keep looking with no emotion on my face.

"Had fun these few days? I heared Arthur was there. He told me you were hitting it off with a girl?" He asks still trying to polite boss route like he isnt the boss of a hitman company.

I just keep staring still not awsnering him. "Okay" he says and slaps his knees hoping it clears up the mood. It didnt. "Sit down" he says gesturing to the seat in front of him.

He was used to me not talking at all. At first he would punish me for it and tried to get me talking but after a while he just gave up. He knew i wasnt going to talk anyways and that he would waste his enegry on me.
He knew it was a sign of trauma that i had experienced for years. Thats the whole reason why i had a therapist. But in the end the therapist magically disapeared and he gave up finding me a new one.