Case 420 /finished BxB/

12. some things i need to accept

A few days has passed since i last him. The last time i saw his eyes and the last time when i saw his agonizing face staring back to me.

The only time i see him is in my nightmares. Ash's his face twists over time. Changing the way his eyes look or the small details disappearing from my mind.

All i have of him is a idea. Not a single picture. Im scared i will forget him but its my job.

Its my job to be alone and to not let anyone see anything about me. Its my job to not care for anyone. I shouldnt care for anyone.

I realized what i really felt the moment he slipped away from my grip. The moment i saw his face change. The moment i didnt recognize him in my dreams.

I walk to my apartment and do the same routine over and over again.

Today. It hits the one week mark of me being away from england. From london specifically. Also leaving behind the space im familiar with.

The case is being Handled by one of the highest ranking detectives hired by the wife as a cover up.

The news flash on the tv of the small box apartment im in now. "Stock owner died at the age of 48 by suicide" the mans face flashes on the screen.

He has a big smile on his face proudly showing off a computer screens with graphics on it. His suit is fit well to his body and its the same one he was wearing when he took his last breath.

I remeber the blood flowing down my hands all the way down to my arms. I remeber the sink being filled with the same red color trying to wash it off.

I shake my head trying to forget the memory. But even after so many years of doing this job it never leaves me. It never does.

Its night time by now. A can of cold beer is keeping my company. The days are boring. Nothing to do.

I pick up a pack of cigarettes that i bought this morning. I tried to stop smoking and kept it going for a few weeks.

But today i fail. I get out a cigarette and let it dance between my fingers and place it between my lips.

I light it up and take a deep breath feeling the burn agaisnt the back of my troat. I exhale and a small smile is on my lips.

Before i left tp hide my boss told me it would be a good thing and to view it as a small vacation. Amsterdam is supposed to fun.

Right now i am just lonely. It took me a while to admit it. But its true. I dont have his stupid face to keep me company. I dont have his annyoing grin to flash back at me. I dont have anything. Nothing.

2 more months to go. My boss had promised me. 2 more months of this. But right now im unsure if I'll make it.

boss hasnt texted me and nobody else did. The notification on my phone are never his. No matter how much i wish to see ash his face i know i cant.

Not after everything. Not after shutting down all my emotions for most of my life.

I walk through amsterdam and watch the hundreds of people pass me by. Its starting to make me dizzy.

The rain is pouring down like the sky is crying and i cant help but cry too. Nobody could see it. Nobody saw the tears. I felt them. The salty warm tears rolling down my cheeks falling on the stone bricks bellow my feet.

Washed away like they have never been there.

I walk to a small bar and lean agaisnt the dirty wall. I dry my face and take a deep breath. Nobody saw it. Nobody cared.

I catch a glimpse of him. Off ash collin hart. His brown hair drenched in the rain and the familiar clothes on his body.

I knew it was him with even a slight glimpse. It has to be him.