Case 420 /finished BxB/

23. dancing words

I never considered the possibility of saying it outloud to him. To tell him the words i wouldnt even dare wisper to him.

The way his eyes are foced on me watching me ever so carefully makes me want to tell him everything thats going on in my mind right now.

I stay quiet. Not saying a word.

He looks at me like he desires the words to be said again. For me to tell the truth i let linger around dancing through my words.

I couldnt love him. Its not that i dont love him. I just shouldnt. I shouldnt be with someone like him to risk everything ive had.

I am close to getting what i want. Its one knife twist away. One cut and i will get what i want. What i have been training for since i was 15.

I have to. I have to finish my goal. I have to do it. For me. For him. For the sake of not loving him.

He shakes his head and his face changes from suprise to agony. We both know how this was going to end.

Him dying in my arms. By my hands. I wouldve done it. I wouldve been the one who made his heart stop beating and his lungs stop breathing.

I hated that thought but i used to be oke with it. I saw it as a job. Something i had to do no matter how much i didnt want to. I acted like he was someone i never knew.

But now. He is right infront of me. Spending months with me in a foreign country and helping me adjust to it all and speak dutch to people who talk to us.

I was used to everything we had going for us. The waking up to him seeing him still asleep and the small routine we created.

But now i had to end it. To get the company. The one thing i need for power. for freedom.

I knew the end was near. I know what i have to do. "Aspen say something" ash bags me. He stares into my eyes like never before.

My eyes cant help but water. The tears flown down wetting my tshirt. The whole world becomes a blur and so does the face of the men infront of me.

I try to remeber the details of his face but i much rather wanted to whipe away the fog and see him. To feel him.

"Leave please" i say my voice breaking. "No" ash says stirn. "Leave" I say making my voice louder then i intended it to be. He looks at me and shakes his head.

"Do you love me?" He asks me again. I knew it was the final time he would ask me. The last time before he would give up on me. To give up on this whole fucked up adventure.

"I-" i dont know what to say. I know its true. All the words i said to him were the truth. But i cant say them outloud. Not right now. Because i need to kill him.

"I dont" i say not wanting to say the whole sentence 'i dont love you' would be a lie. I do. But i cant say it. I cant. I shouldnt.

He looks at me like he is so disappointed. He made his final decision right there.

He gets his coat and leaves everything else behind. Scattered all across the room. Everything he owned was gone.

He slammes the door behind him giving me one last look back.

And here i am. Pathetic and alone in a small apartment which feels to big now. I let my body fall down on the ground and break down further.

I let out all the anger and sadness out. Cursing the universe for making me do this. For making me decide if i want to kill the one i love or if i want to keep him. Its not fair. Its not fair for me to choose.

Nothing ever was fair. Not the moment that he was in my life and then dragged away by my sister.

I thought maybe he wouldnt blame me. But he did. He blamed me for being a stupid kid and i knew it was the truth.