Case 420 /finished BxB/

18. when the night falls

The rest of the day was quiet. Not a word was said between us. Not a single glance i could steal from him.

It was like i was never there. His hands never intertwined with mine and i didnt feel the touch of him that whole day.

The air around us changed and became more stuffy. The air felt like it was choking me and the way his cold gaze scanned the street made the whole day different then i thought it was going to be.

I didnt say anything and neither did he. We walked for hours. Way to long. My feet became sour and my legs started to hurt.

All i wanted to do was just lay down or sit down but we didnt. We kept walking along the tilted houses and the cannels watching the boats flow through them.

I didnt say a word to him but i sat down on the concrete. 6 whole hours of walking with no stopping. He stops to look at me but he doesnt sit down.

He just stares at me the way he used to. No emotions no nothing.

"Im tired" i say and i pat the ground for him to sit down but he doesnt respond. "Ash" i say hoping to hear his voice. Nothing.

He just looks at me for the first time in 6 hours. He is absent minded and i could tell his mind is wandering everywhere but here.

"Is everything okay?" I ask him knowing it isnt. Knowing that something is up with him. He looks at the street across from us and watched a woman walk past.

"I was just thinking" he says quietly almost letting his voice drawn out through the wind. "About what?" I ask him.

"The past" he says and puts his focus on me. I knew what he ment with it. I always try to deny the past we have. I always try to deny that everything that happend to him was because of me. Because of my own blood.

I shake my head to myself trying to get the thought to go away. The thoughts kept hindering my mind and i brush my hands over my shaved head.

Ash finally sits next to me and looks at my hair, well more the lack of hair. "Why did you cut it?" He asks me trying to keep his mind distracted.

"You said you liked it long... so i changed it" i say with a teasing grin trying to force live into this conversation. Not a single emotions is shown on his and he stares back into the distance.

We went back to the small apartment soon after. The walk to there was shorter then i thought it would be because we were walking in different circles the whole time.

The air is hot suffocating the whole room. The light flows in just enough to see. We skipped dinner and the night creeped closer to us.

I fell asleep not long after i took a shower. Ash followed after me and wore the same clothes i had given him the night before.

He fell asleep soon after me and we both drived off. The day was so tiring but quiet. The temperature started to drop down from the hot summer day we had.

Thankfully in amsterdam it isnt always a hot day and usually raining so with any luck tomorrow will be fine.

I had woken up multiple times through out the night and felt exhausted. My phone shows the time to me. 3:46am. I groan silently.

I forgot to take take my melentonin with me and didnt have any luck with finding some here.

I go to the bathroom and get a glass of water and splash some water over my face. My eyes are a bloodshut red and i look like i havent slept in ages.

I stare off at a wall for a few more minutes letting the tired feeling spread over me. Thats when i heared him.

I could hear muffeled cries coming from the room. The sound was soft and you couldnt catch it if u werent actively looking for it.

The cry became louder and more prominent. I open the door to see who it is. Its ash. He is still asleep but tears were flowimg down his skin.

"No" he calls rabidly moving in his sleep. " no no no no" he calls out and every no he says is louder then the first. Oh fuck.

I walk back into the room and sit down on the ground infront of him. "Ash" i wisper and i dont hear a response. His face is squinted and far away from being relaxed.

"Ash" i say again a bit louder then the first time and still no reaction was heared from him. A soft "no" escapes his lips "get off of me!" He says after a few secconds so loud in the quiet room that it left my ears ring.

"Ash" i say again and put my hand on his arm hoping it would wake him up. He did. He shoots awake and immediately sits up like it was a instant reaction to my touch.

His breath is fast and stammering. His glossy eyes stare at me in the dark not fully awake yet trying to recover from the nightmare.

"Ash" i softly wisper but he doesnt say anything. He doesnt wipe away the tears off his cheek and neither does he move even a inch.

I put my hand on his and he immediately pulls back and looks at me in terror. "Im sorry" i wisper to him and let my head fall forward facing the ground.

When i look at him again his cheeks are stained with tears and a fresh one rolls from his eyes down to his chin.

I move forward and place my hands on his cheeks and wipe the tears away. "Im sorry" i repeat again.

I know why he is like this. I know why he had the nightmare and i know who is to blame for all of this.

It was me.

He looks at me with the most hurt expression I've ever seen. His eyebrows and mouth twitch trying to stop more tears from falling.

He failed, but i wiped all of them away hoping he wont feel the pain from them. We dont say anything to eachother for the minutes he spend crying.

His breath starts to get normal again and his tears stop flowing.

The little amount of sleep I've had this night is starting to catch up on me and i could feel myself slip away even while holding his face.

"I really need to sleep" i softly wisper. Ash face changes and the emotions are painted with worry. "Dont go" he says like he admitted his worst crime.

"I wont" i say. I stand up and take his hand in mine. He stands up and i take his pillow in my other hand. I throw the pillow on the bed next to mine.

I lay down and feel my whole body drown in the bed. The sleepless night leads me into making bad decisions.

He lays down next to me. He faces the opposite way so i cant see his face. I never let go of his hand.

My arm is resting over his hip and our fingers intertwine. My chest is places agaisnt his back and i could smell his shampoo from his hair.

Maybe it was his plan but right now i dont think so. The way his eyes looked at me and the raw emotion he showed me wasnt fake. Atleast i hope so.

I could feel my heartbeat rise like it always does when i am around him. Maybe its a sign for me to go. That he is dangerous. But just like the other times when the feeling came. I ignored it. I acted like it wasnt there and this time i will do the same.

I pull him in even closer to me so he really knows i am here. So he can feel me agaisnt him. I dug my face into his neck letting placing it like it was made for it.

We fit perfectly in eachother. The way our hands are holding eachother or the way my head fits just right causing me to breath in the way he smells.

The scent i only could smell when i am close to him. Right now is one of those rare moments.

Every thought about the dangerous and the consequences where this will lead me left my head like it was blown away.

I didnt care if anyone find out i was with someone like this. I never had been before. In my entire life I've never been this close to someone.

I never helt someone to my body while falling asleep. I never looked at someone the way i looked at him. I never helt someones hand but i did with him.

I dont know what it means but for now i like things the way they are. I wont question it trying to figure it out myself.