what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Doubt

Suggested soundtrack: "The Wisp Sings" - Winter Aid

I pull the letter from the envelope and tentatively open it. After all these years, it's impossible to know what to expect from Sebastian. I don't know him to the core anymore like I used to. It almost feels like receiving a letter from a stranger, as painful as it is to think of him like that.

Jasmine...

I feel almost embarrassed to reach out to you like this after all this time. I know how I've treated you over the last few years, and trust me, I've had my reasons for doing so. That doesn't mean that I'm proud of it. You may or may not agree with my reasons, but I had to keep you at a distance to keep myself from losing my sanity after everything that happened. I'm not sure if you will understand.

I saw you in the hallway the other day with Ominis. You were laughing together, and something about seeing that made me break inside. It felt wrong to me that you're still connected to him after everything that happened, and that you both are able to put it behind you.

I realize it's not fair for me to say that, but I can't help how I feel. But at least it has made me realize...I'm accomplishing nothing by keeping you at a distance, other than hurting both of us. I know I've been distant but I still think about you all the time. Every single day.

Jazz, please...meet me at the Undercroft tonight at midnight. I think it's time we talk things out. I want to explain myself, if you'll allow it.

If you don't come...I'll have my answer, and I understand. I won't bother you again.

Yours,

Seb

I blink back the tears that threaten to spill over when I read his old nickname for me - Jazz. It brings back so many memories. Sebastian playfully teasing me when I destroyed a precious vase in the Undercroft while practicing Confringo. Whispering my name in the Restricted section of the library so that no one would hear us. The way he choked out my name when he fell into my arms for comfort after what he did to Solomon. I can't help it...my tears fall onto the paper, gently blurring the ink. I blot them out quickly, wanting to conserve these precious words from Sebastian.

I know I wouldn't go to meet him if my heart was stronger. There's no question in my mind that he doesn't deserve to see me. He abandoned me in the moments that I needed him the most, and it is excruciatingly difficult to recover from that. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do is break the powerful trauma bond that I had formed with Sebastian.

Without realizing it, I had developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to him. When he tore himself out of my life after the events in our fifth year, I had almost gone into a sense of shock for a few months. I had been simply existing, but felt numb. Echoes of his voice and endless painful thoughts ran through my mind day after day; I even used to cry in my sleep. It had taken me a long time to force myself out of that emotional spiral, and just seeing this letter alone has almost dragged me back into that dreaded space.

Yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will still be going to meet him at the Undercroft.

That night, I prepare my usual pot of coffee a couple of minutes before midnight. The difference is that, this time, I prepare two mugs to bring along with me.

I decide to walk, rather than Floo traveling there, taking the time to gather my thoughts. Though some may find it eerie, I enjoy the silence of the halls at this time of night. There is something oddly comforting about it.

When I arrive at the Undercroft, I take a deep breath before entering. I hope I'm emotionally capable of handling whatever Sebastian may decide to throw at me tonight. I've hardly finished picking up the pieces of my heart from the last time he broke it, and no one has managed to fill the void he left behind.

I tentatively enter the room, still holding the two mugs of coffee. Before he notices me, I spot Sebastian immediately. He's leaning against the wall in the back corner, deeply lost in thought. Surprisingly, he doesn't look as put-together as he normally does. Rather than wearing his complete set of Slytherin robes, he's wearing a loose, white button-up shirt that's come untucked from his dark grey slacks. The top button of his shirt is undone, and his green tie casually hangs loosely around his neck. When he hears me step forward, he pushes himself off from the wall and starts walking towards me. When he notices the two mugs in my hand, his warm, brown irises soften as he shoots me an inviting smile that instantly melts my heart.

Those soft freckles, that comforting smile, the artfully messy brown hair...I had missed this. I had missed all of him, so deeply and so desperately. The tangle of complicated emotions I've been trying to suppress immediately comes rushing back against my will. He looks like home.

It was a mistake coming here.