what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Unrequited Love

Suggested soundtrack: Reflections (Slowed Version) - The Neighbourhood

Before heading to potions class the next day, I grab the textbook that Amit had asked me to return to him. For the first time ever, I feel nervous to see him. The last few days have been a blur with everything that has happened between me and Sebastian, but the thought of talking to Amit has been looming ominously in the back of my mind. Ever since the night of the party, I couldn't help but wonder if he's actually had feelings for me. And what would that mean for our friendship if he admitted it out loud?

When I make it to class, I see Amit across the room and he smiles warmly and waves. I take my usual seat next to him and slip the textbook over to him. He looks confused.

"You're giving this back already? I thought you might need it for longer," he says.

I look at him, surprised. "You asked for it back, remember? The night of the party?"

His eyes grow thoughtful for a moment, and it seems the recollection comes back to him because his cheeks flush immediately. "Oh...oh yes. Well, thanks for bringing it back to me," he says, avoiding my eyes and stuffing the book into his bag.

I take a deep breath and muster up the courage to finally ask him. "Amit...please tell me the truth. What did you really come back to tell me that night? Because I have a feeling the textbook was just an excuse."

Amit grows tense, his warm, chocolate brown eyes slowly shifting to meet mine. "What do you mean, Jasmine?"

"I think you know exactly what I mean," I say, maintaining eye contact, refusing to let him escape this situation.

He hesitates for a moment, then finally sighs, awkwardly breaking his eyes away from mine. "Let's talk tonight at the Astronomy tower."

***

As I make my way up to the top of the Astronomy tower that night, my heart is pounding. I hold my friendship with Amit very near and dear to my heart, so the thought of that relationship changing in any way scares me deeply. He's always been my rock, a safe space. A non-judgmental, deeply understanding, unconditional friendship that I've come to greatly respect and rely on. Nothing less, nothing more. Or so I thought.

I see Amit huddled up on our usual blanket, his knees gathered against his chest, looking up at the stars. When he hears me approaching, he turns around, giving me a sad smile. My heart drops as I join him on the blanket, but I try to maintain a positive attitude. Maybe I have a completely wrong read on the situation and everything is normal between us.

"It's not easy for me to talk about this, Jasmine," Amit says, starting off heavy immediately, quickly draining any hope I had that this wouldn't be a difficult conversation.

"Just tell me what this is about, Amit. It's better to get everything out into the open. I think we are close enough that we can deal with anything that comes our way."

"I just never thought I would see the day where we ever talk about this. I shouldn't have gone to that party," he says, his voice low.

"I'm still glad you did. Please, let's talk it out. What is it?" I press gently.

He wrings his hands nervously, still looking up at the stars. "You remember what Imelda asked me during truth or dare, right?" he asks nervously.

"Yes," I say, my heart anxiously skipping a beat.

"Well...my answer was a lie. I guess that was too obvious. I did – well, do – have feelings for you. And I've been trying to ignore that for almost a year now," he says quietly, still avoiding my gaze.

"Amit...I had no idea. I'm sorry – I...".  I struggle to find the words for the situation, the right words to alleviate his heartache.

"After the party that night, I feared I had made it obvious from my answer and that it was probably about time that I finally tell you, regardless of the outcome. So I came back to the common room, but then I walked in on you and Sebastian, and I – I just couldn't. I saw the way you were looking at him. It seemed like the wrong place, the wrong time, like I was the wrong person. I didn't want to confuse you or upset you. I thought maybe it was best that I pretend that night had never happened and move on," he admits.

"I'm so sorry, Amit. I never meant to make you feel upset or uncomfortable, I genuinely had no idea."

"I don't blame you at all, Jasmine, you have nothing to apologize for. I've intentionally tried to hide it from you, because I think I've always known the outcome, deep in my heart. I can see your heart lies with someone else," he says.

I throw my arms around Amit, barely holding back the tears that suddenly threaten to spill. "Amit, you are an amazing person, and you deserve the world. You've been such a safe space for me, and I desperately wish that I could give you more. But I'm always thinking about Sebastian and anything other than friendship between me and you just wouldn't sit right with me. I still consider you one of my closest friends. But if you ever need to distance yourself, I would completely understand that as well. Maybe I haven't been fair to you."

"I couldn't dream of losing you completely, Jasmine. Of course we'll still be close friends. And please, I beg of you, don't feel bad. I'm genuinely happy to see you and Sebastian making up and making things right. It's been a long time coming and I know it's what makes you happy. If you hadn't pressed me today, I would have honestly preferred to never talk about this," Amit says.

"I'm sorry if it feels like I forced your hand, but I didn't want there to be any awkwardness. I'd rather have it clear between us than have any doubts lingering in our minds. Please never feel afraid to tell me anything – I promise we can always handle it," I tell him.

"I'm glad it's clear now – for you and me both. Anyways –  let's not waste this beautiful, clear night. I'm ready to do some stargazing," he says, walking over to one of the telescopes.

I watch Amit fondly throughout the rest of the night as he peers through the telescope, ranting about the constellations excitedly, our earlier conversation quickly fading into a memory already. I feel a faint sense of sadness and longing, but know in my heart that this was the right decision for me, and that this conversation could not have ended in any other way.

Maybe in another life.