what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Intoxicating Romance

Suggested soundtrack: West Coast (Slowed Version) - Lana Del Rey

As the day draws to a close, sunset slowly melting into starlight, I start to feel the weight of emotional exhaustion. I already know Anne is upset with me, and Ominis is also about to be once he finds out from Poppy what I've done. Despite all of that, the desire to try to cure Anne still gnaws at the back of my mind. I want so badly to try to persuade her, but even sending her a simple letter feels like overstepping boundaries at this point.

I also still feel bad about the possibility of having hurt Amit's feelings last night. He's been there for me throughout the years, through many difficult moments, no questions asked – and this is how I repay him as soon as Sebastian comes back into my life. I feel as if I don't even deserve his friendship. How could I have been blind to his feelings for me, how much he was sacrificing himself to objectively be there for me?

Dark thoughts whirl endlessly through my mind, but when I walk into the common room and see Sebastian curled up on the floor near the fireplace with his book, a sudden feeling of relief washes over me.

He hasn't yet noticed me, and I can't help but take a moment to watch him fondly. Something about his soft freckles, messy brown hair, and tousled clothes is so familiar and deeply comforting in a way that I can't explain.

Ever since I've met him, I've had a feeling that I've known him for my entire life, and that he's just an extension of myself. I can never keep secrets from him, I can never betray him. I have no hesitation sharing the intimate details of other people's lives with him, but I safeguard his secrets close to my heart and share with no others. There's something different about him – something special that I can't quite place.

He finally looks up from his book and sees me across the room. He gives me a warm smile and motions for me to take a seat on the floor next to him. I walk over to him and settle down next to him on the carpet, the heat of the fire flushing my cheeks.

The firelight brightens up his features, and his eyes are on me, radiating the comfort that I ache to sink into all of the time.

"How was your day? I'd love to hear all about it." he says, setting his book aside, an open invitation to spill everything to him.

"Exhausting. Imelda told me this morning that Amit might have feelings for me, which surprised me. Then, later in the day, Poppy spoke to me in private, saying that she thinks you should know Anne is in town. I don't think I ever had a chance to tell you, but Poppy had read Anne's letter, so she was upset with Ominis for keeping it a secret from you. Thankfully, I was able to tell her that you've already visited Anne and put Poppy's mind at ease."

Sebastian furrows his brows, stitching my words together in his mind. "Right...I suppose Poppy doesn't understand why Anne would request not to see me. I can understand Poppy's perspective. It hurts me that Ominis had to suffer for it though. He is such a true friend to me, though I don't deserve it." He sighs, sitting up with his knees pulled in towards his chest, resting his head on them. He's looking into the fire with a forlorn look in his eyes.

"Of course he's going to protect you, Seb. You two have been friends for longer than any of us. His loyalty lies with you. Anyways, I had a word with Poppy to try to make her understand so she went off to make amends with him. God only knows how Ominis will react to finding out that we saw Anne together. But I'm ready for whatever it may be – it was worth telling you, and I would do it all again."

Sebastian suddenly tears his gaze away from the firelight to look directly into my eyes, and something in his expression changes to grow warmer, fonder. "What did I do to deserve someone like you in my life?" he says softly, his voice dropping an octave, and suddenly the room feels as if it grows quiet. I notice I'm holding my breath again.

I feel goosebumps on my skin, my heart thrumming thunderously in my chest. "Sebastian, stop."

"Stop what?" He feigns innocence, smiling at me, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Why?" he asks, smirking.

My breath catches in my throat. "Because when you look at me like that, it makes me feel as if I would do anything you asked."

"Anything?" he questions, raising an eyebrow. He takes the opportunity to inch closer to me, his lips suddenly just a breath away from mine.

At this proximity, my eyes can rake in every last detail of his face – the contours of his jawline, his angled cheekbones, the warm splatter of freckles. The fire makes it look as if his honey chocolate eyes are glowing, and he smiles at me again, my pulse spiking in response. Oh, what I would give to see that smile every day for the rest of my life.

"Yes...anything. Are you testing me?" I ask, my voice softening.

"There's definitely one way I could test that statement right now," he says, his warm eyes dropping down to my lips, then scanning back up to meet mine, a sense of longing aching in them.

There's no coming back from this. But even the voice screaming in my head isn't loud enough tonight to overpower the desperate ache to feel closer to Sebastian.

"Go on and test me then," I say quietly, and I barely finish whispering the words before Sebastian closes the distance and his lips collide with mine.

His lips on mine somehow feel desperate but warm at the same time. He kisses me fervently, the pain and longing of three years evident in his desire, and I find myself returning the fiery energy, relieved to finally allow myself to melt into him. His tongue probes my lips and I easily allow him access, our tongues melding together as desperately as our hearts. I run my hands up his neck and entwine my fingers in his hair, aching to get as close to him as possible. He pulls me onto his lap, running his hands down my sides, wrapping his arms around my waist as he pulls me in closer, always closer. Nothing feels close enough.

We break apart for a moment to take a breath, and Sebastian rests his forehead against mine. I can hear him breathing hard, and he leans in to whisper in my ear, his breath warm on my skin. "You have no fucking idea how long I've been waiting to do that."

His words set me on fire, and I grab the collar of his shirt to pull him in for our lips to meet again. I can barely think, let alone speak. Through his lips, I yield to the immense comfort of sinking into his familiarity. He falls back onto the carpet, pulling me down on top of him. His scent of wood smoke and paper envelopes me and I want to drown in it. His hands are everywhere, up my back, around my waist, and I can feel all of him underneath me. His lips consume mine as if our lives depend on it.

He kisses away all my memories of sorrow, of pain, of tears, of loneliness, and all I can think about now is the essence of having found my home. Finally, I break off from his lips and bury my face in his warm neck, suddenly nervous to make eye contact.

"You won't leave me, will you?" I ask, my words barely audible in the quiet of the common room, whispered into Sebastian's skin, but he still hears me.

"I'll never leave you. You have my word," he says, tilting my chin up to look into my eyes.

And for once – I believe him.