what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Time

"So let me get this straight," Imelda says over breakfast the next morning. "You ran after him because he got upset about you bringing up the ghosting again?"

I bury my head in my hands, almost embarrassed to hear how it must sound from her point of view. The emotionally charged events of last night are being brought to light for Imelda's judgment this morning. "Yes."

She raises her eyebrows at me, taking another bite of egg. "Jasmine. As much as I'm trying to be supportive here, you're not making this easy."

"I know...I know...but, Sebastian has been through a lot. I can understand why he's upset. Beneath it all, I think he's just afraid of what I think of him."

"To be honest here, I do think you're making excuses for him. I know he lost his uncle, but you've lost a lot of people too. You lost Lodgok, you lost Professor Fig. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, I understand that. Some people need space rather than support. But at some point, you still need to recognize those people that you still have left around you and how to handle your emotions around those people. He hurt you and he's not understanding that. Three years of ghosting, even while grieving, is not an easy thing for someone to just forget."

Sometimes, it's difficult to have these conversations with Imelda because she doesn't know the whole truth. Everyone at Hogwarts thinks that Solomon died in his sleep, and that Sebastian became an emotional wreck after losing his uncle. Only Ominis, Sebastian, Anne, and I know the real truth of what happened in our fifth year, and we've all sworn to take the secret to our graves. It's difficult for me to assess the validity of Imelda's advice, knowing what I know. I am sure that if Imelda knew the truth, she would have supported Ominis's initial thoughts to turn Sebastian in, and insisted that I never speak with him again.

That being said, her advice about loss could still be extended to what Sebastian and I are going through. Everyone would handle that situation in different ways. I wanted to cope by pulling him closer, while he dealt with it by pushing me away. Even that is understandable to me – the part that doesn't sit right with me is how he went about it.

Sebastian did have a point last night though – if I can't let this go, we can't move forward.

Last night, the fear of losing him again trumped all else and I chased after him without a second thought. But here now, in the harsh light of the morning with Imelda's brutal honesty, I'm starting to realize that maybe I should've maintained my stance, rather than dropping everything to run into his arms.

"Sorry, Jasmine, you okay? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, just being honest," Imelda says, putting her fork down, concerned because I haven't spoken in a while.

"No, you're right. I'm just...just thinking," I say.

"I want you to do whatever makes you happy. But I just don't want to see you getting hurt, Jasmine. I remember all the sleepless nights, the tears. Sometimes I wanted to go cast Avada Kedavra on Sebastian in his sleep when I saw the way he was affecting you. And I'll be damned if I let myself watch that happen to you again."

I throw my arms around Imelda. "You're one of the best friends I've ever had, Mel. And I always want you to tell me what you really think, even when I'm being daft. You've given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate you so much for that."

She hugs me back with one arm, laughing. "Watch yourself before you find Sebastian dead. You can assume I did it, and I'll take credit gladly."

***

That night, I head up to the Astronomy tower to talk to Amit. Amit is not as jarringly honest as Imelda, but he does tend to ponder upon my problems, and then give a thoughtful, emotional analysis of his point of view on it. Where Imelda can be quick to jump to judgment, Amit is a little more forgiving, but not to a fault like I can be.

When I get up to the tower, he has our blanket ready, and he's busy peering into a telescope already. When he hears me approaching, he turns with a smile.

"Hi, Jasmine. I'm so glad to see you here! It's been a little while since we've had one of our stargazing nights," he says.

"I know, Amit, I'm sorry. I've had some things happen recently that caught me off guard. I'd actually like to talk, if you don't mind."

He walks to the edge of the stargazing deck where the blanket is laid out, sits down, and pats the spot next to him. "Then let's talk," he says easily.

Amit watches me thoughtfully as I fill him in about Sebastian's letter, meeting him in the Undercroft, and then last night at the Three Broomsticks. I purposely leave out the part where Sebastian asked me about Amit specifically – I don't want him to think anything of it.

"Hmmm...that sounds like quite a lot happened in a short amount of time," Amit observes, once I've finished.

"It's been a whirlwind ever since I got that letter. I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all, if I'm being honest."

One thing I've always loved about my friendship with Amit is that I feel completely comfortable in his presence. I feel free to let my thoughts spill and admit all faults and doubts; I don't feel as if I need to desperately defend Sebastian. As much as I love Imelda, her presence can feel a bit intimidating. Even though she means well, it can be hard to derive comfort from her in emotional moments. But Amit is perfect for that, and he's exactly what I need right now.

He reflects on what I've said about Sebastian, while looking up at the twinkling stars, then finally delivers his thoughts. "Jasmine...at this point, I'm still not sure if he's any good for you. I think you both need more time to see if things have genuinely changed. It's far too early to tell. I think both of you have been quick to anger, quick to apologize, and also quick to forgive, but it's because emotions are running unusually high. He just came back into your life – everything feels new and fresh, it must be a rush to have him back again. But things need to settle and your mind needs to clear to truly understand his intentions."

"Mmmm. So you think we just need more time?"

"I have a feeling Sebastian may be acting rash because he's so desperate to make things right with you again. But he's still dealing with grief, and interacting with you after all these years might be bringing up those old emotions again. I think that's why he caused a scene last night. You shouldn't have chased after him though. You were right to express your hurt over what he had done."

I nod. "I wasn't thinking straight, Amit. He just has that effect on me."

"I understand. Give it time. Don't write him off yet. But don't lose your self worth in the process either," Amit warns.

I rest my head on his shoulder, and he puts his arm around me. We fall into a comfortable silence, looking up at the stars, and I feel, if only for a moment, that all is right with the world.