what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Guilt

Suggested soundtrack: "Hearing" - Sleeping at Last

It takes every ounce of self control I have to stop myself from immediately crumpling into Sebastian's arms. Of course, I knew I had missed him, but...seeing him smile at me, acknowledge me, finally SEE me again...hits me in a different way. The familiarity of his presence is incredibly comforting.

"Hey, Jazz," he says casually, still smiling at me.

Ignoring my urges to either wrap my arms around him, break down and cry, scream at him, or all of the above, I instead calmly hand him one of the steaming mugs of coffee. "Hey, Seb."

He gratefully takes it from me, his fingers briefly touching mine. I can feel electricity simply through the warmth of his skin. I quickly pull my hand away.

I think he notices, and I see his smile slightly falter. "I'm so glad you came," he says, his voice going soft.

I sigh. "I'm glad you reached out. There was a period where I genuinely wondered if we would ever speak again."

"I don't think I can imagine any universe where we never speak again, Jazz. I think you and I both know that."

"Sebastian...you made me LIVE in that universe for the last three years. So I don't know what you mean by that."

His eyes soften. "I regret it so much, you have no idea. You have absolutely no idea how I've felt about everything for the last few years. But, if you'll allow it, I want to have a chance to at least try to explain myself for the way that I've acted."

"There are very few things you can say that will fully justify the way things turned out, but if I wasn't willing to listen, I wouldn't be here right now."

He sighs. "It hurts me to remember what happened with my uncle, but I think it's finally time we should talk about it. Even though we haven't properly talked in so long, I still feel like I trust you more than anyone else that I know, and that you'll always understand me better than anyone else in my life. I don't think we got any closure after our fifth year."

I let out a cold, dry laugh. "You're one to talk about closure, Sebastian. You didn't even bother to give me a proper goodbye before completely disappearing out of my life."

He sighs, but presses on. "For most of our time together, I was not myself, Jazz. Something about my desperation to find a cure for Anne made me go blind to everything else around me. I still regret that I ever cast Crucio on you. I should have insisted you cast it on me. I was so desperate that I wasn't thinking straight. I should have protected you. I'm sorry I called you ignorant, when in fact, I was the one who was ignorant about goblins. Thinking back on it, I really can't believe I had the gall to say that to you."

"I was shocked when you called me ignorant, and you never really apologized for it, so I'm glad to at least hear you didn't mean what you said," I say. As much as I do appreciate his attempt at this apology, it's striking me as too little too late. For now though, I hold my tongue, and let him finish.

"I want you to know that I actually do appreciate everything you have done for me, and I do recognize you stuck by my side, even when everyone else was losing faith in me. You were always honest with me, and that means a lot to me. As the years have passed, I'm starting to believe that Anne may never forgive me. I still hope that you can forgive me for what I've done. I don't want to lose you too. And it absolutely kills me that I've almost lost you from my own stupidity," he says, his voice slightly breaking at the end.

And just like that, that waver in his voice is all it takes for an overwhelming wave of forgiveness to consume me. All of my reservations and dark thoughts immediately disappear, and all I can think about is the desperate desire to take him into my arms right now and soak away all of his troubles. I set down the coffee mug on the floor, and he does the same, seeing the look in my eyes.

I tentatively step towards him and before I can even process what's happening, he's pulled me into his embrace. He smells like pine trees, wood smoke, paper and ink. With my arms wrapped around him, I can't help but feel that this is where I belong – where I've always belonged. He buries his face into my neck, and I can feel his tears on my skin. He's usually not one to cry, and neither am I, but the tears fall freely down my face onto his shirt. All of the pain and fear that we've been holding back for the last three years spills forth at this very moment. No one in the world except Sebastian will ever be able to fully understand the internal battle of emotions I've experienced over the years.

"I've been able to talk to absolutely no one. The weight of what we went through is something that most people our age at the time could not even fathom, Sebastian. I felt like you were the only one that I could talk to, but all you did was push me away. I've never felt more alone in my entire life."

"I know exactly what you mean, because I went through the same thing. And it crushes me that I put you through that too, instead of us leaning on each other. Even Ominis doesn't look at me the same way anymore since fifth year, and I've always considered him my closest friend. My friendship with him has never been the same since. I hate myself so incredibly much. And maybe it doesn't make sense, but I was actually trying to protect you by pushing you away. I think I'm bad for you, Jazz. Sometimes, I genuinely don't think you should be around someone like me. And that's my greatest dilemma."

As he says those words, I can sense his energy shift and feel him gently start to pull away. I tug him back to me though, not yet ready to let go, and he obliges for now. I want to hold him for as long as I can, because I fear once I let him go, he may disappear on me again.