what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Our Secret

Suggested soundtrack: Dark Red (Slowed Version) - Steve Lacy

After speaking with Ominis in the Undercroft, I take the long way back to the Slytherin common room. I need time to gather my thoughts.

I know Anne and Ominis have trusted me...but I can't shake the feeling that this is a secret I should not keep from Sebastian. As much as I ache for Anne's pain and understand her point of view, I feel that Sebastian deserves to know what's happening to his own sister.

I desperately want to trust that Sebastian meant what he said at the end of fifth year. His impulsiveness and irrationality is something that he had vowed to me that he would change.

Since I haven't communicated much with him in the last few years, I'm still learning who he's become today. Though our comfort and familiarity with each other has not changed, he's different from what I was used to. He's grown a little rough around the edges. He's more confident, his presence always leaving an impact. He's still quick to anger, but more willing to listen, to apologize. He acknowledges the things he needs to change, rather than brushing concerns under the rug. Faults and all, I find myself deeply trusting him.

Yet, I imagine myself in Anne's shoes. I imagine disrespecting one of the few requests she has ever made to me. I'm emotionally torn.

When I make it into the common room, expecting to find it empty, I'm surprised to see Sebastian sprawled out on the same couch we slept on last night. He's sitting with his feet up on the couch, nose in a book.

When he hears me coming down the stairs, he looks up.

Our eyes connect across the room, and I instantly realize it wasn't ever a choice. My heart knew I would spill everything to him. I always have.

He sees the look in my face and stands up immediately, tossing the book aside onto the couch. "What's happened, Jazz? Nightmare again?" he asks, his voice soft.

"No, Sebastian, not this time. I need to tell you something about Anne," I say, the words flowing without hesitation.

His eyes darken. "Anne? I haven't heard from her in ages and I've been worried sick about her. Tell me everything."

"She's sent Ominis a letter, asking him to bring me along to meet her tomorrow at your house in Feldcroft. She's not doing well - she's not doing well at all, Sebastian."

His jaw clenches. "Did she mention me?"

I'm hardly able to bear seeing the pain in his eyes. "She specifically asked us not to tell you. She's afraid of what you may do."

Sebastian's eyes go cold, and he looks away. "Sorry, Jazz, I just need a second," he says, walking a few steps away and turning to face away from me.

Without thinking, I go after him, and take his hand into mine, desperate to comfort him. "I couldn't keep this from you."

"I'm so grateful you told me - I know Ominis wouldn't have. I just don't know what to do. I have no way to prove to her that I have changed. I don't even know if I have changed. I'm beginning to think this mistake will define me for the rest of my life," he says, voice shaking, looking at the floor.

"It doesn't define you unless you let it, Sebastian. You have changed. It might just take some time for Anne to accept that."

"Time that she doesn't have," he says bitterly, and I don't know how to respond to that, because he's right.

He gently squeezes my hand and finally turns to look at me. "Thank you for telling me though. I want to see her, of course I do. But I worry that I will scare her off if I turn up, and destroy her trust in you two. You and Ominis are the only connections I have to Anne. She's stopped speaking to me recently. If she stops trusting all of us, then I fear we may never hear from her again."

"Mmmm," I acknowledge. He does have a point.

"Be my eyes and ears tomorrow, Jazz? Depending on how you see her, I'll decide what to do after that. Did she say how long she'll be in Feldcroft for?" Sebastian asks.

"She didn't say. Just that she wants to meet tomorrow night to see us for the last time."

Sebastian visibly winces hearing that. "I don't want to believe it, Jazz. I can't believe it."

"I'll go tomorrow, then come back and tell you everything. After that, you can decide what you want to do. If you want to go see her after that, do it. If Ominis and Anne are angry with me, I'll handle it. But I won't see you get hurt like this. I think you have the right to see Anne, especially if her health has declined as much as she says it has."

Sebastian suddenly moves his grip to my wrist and pulls me in closer to him. He bends down slightly to look directly into my eyes. "Jazz. You have no idea how much this means to me, and what you are doing for me. I know you could've kept this a secret from me, and I would have lived never knowing. And this is why I trust you more than anyone else in the world. This is why I absolutely could not stay away from you. This is why - " he stops short, his honey-chocolate eyes briefly shifting down to my lips. I realize I'm holding my breath.

I take a step back, my heart racing while my mind screams to create distance before I do something I regret. His fingers fall from my wrist, and the moment passes, for better or for worse.

"I'll be your eyes and ears tomorrow, you have my word," I say.

He nods, some indescribable emotion in his eyes.