what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Loyalty

Suggested soundtrack: Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex

I wake up the next morning with a wave of longing washing over me, a strange sense of homesickness, even though I know it's not really home that I miss. I know what – or rather, who, my heart is aching for, and I desperately try to ignore thoughts of him as I get ready for the day in the bathroom, washing away all the memories of last night in the shower.

While I'm brushing my hair in the mirror, Imelda makes an appearance in the bathroom. "So how did things go with Sebastian last night?" she asks, and I marvel at how fresh she looks and how much energy she has after the long, drunken night we had. She looks like last night never happened.

"Sebastian and I just talked. We were definitely going to...have a moment, but then Amit suddenly showed up and broke the tension. Honestly, that probably saved me from doing something stupid," I admit, sighing.

Imelda furrows her brows in confusion. "Amit? What did he want from you at that hour?" she asks.

"He mumbled something about wanting me to bring his potions book to class next time I see him. I have no idea why that was important enough for him to come back to tell me."

Imelda's eyes suddenly light up with some sense of understanding. "Oh, Merlin. I asked him if he had feelings for you in front of everyone last night, didn't I?" she asks, burying her face in her hands.

"Yes, you did. I tried to signal to you to stop but you were too far gone," I say, laughing at the memory.

"Jasmine...don't you see what this means?" Imelda says, looking at me in surprise.

"What?" I ask, perplexed.

"I think I made Amit uncomfortable because there was probably some truth to my question... I have a feeling he came to talk with you about it. I feel so bad now," Imelda says quietly.

I think back to how Amit's skin had flushed during the question, how he had avoided my eyes. How he had suddenly challenged Sebastian to kiss Natty, seemingly out of character for him. How uncomfortable he had looked when he walked in on Sebastian being so close to me, and how he had seemed to change his mind about what he was going to say.

"Merlin...you might be right," I say, realization dawning on me. "But it can't be...Amit gave me advice on how to handle Sebastian coming back into my life. Why would he do that if he has feelings for me?"

"You know the kind of person that he is, Jasmine. He'd never let his own intentions be a distraction from being a true friend to you," Imelda says, and I can't argue with her logic.

But my heart breaks at the thought of it, so I can only hope that we are misreading Amit's heart.

***

That afternoon, Poppy catches up with me after Beasts class. "Jasmine, do you have a moment to talk?" she asks, slightly out of breath.

"Of course, Poppy." I take in her appearance, and notice she looks tired, her skin paler than usual with dark bags forming under her eyes. She looks all the worse for wear, and I wonder how much of a toll this disagreement with Ominis is taking on her.

"Let's go somewhere more private," she says quietly, and starts walking away, leaving me to scramble to catch up to her. We walk in silence and eventually we arrive at a clearing right off of the school grounds, and I recognize it's where she originally had me meet Highwing.

She finally turns to me, sadness and worry evident in her eyes. "Jasmine – I've needed to talk to someone so badly, and I don't know who else to turn to."

"What's wrong, Poppy?" I ask, my heart hurting to see her usual bright and cheery self in so much pain. She paces back and forth, her eyes a world away.

"I read Anne's letter to Ominis...I'm sure Ominis has already told you that I'm upset with him. I simply can't believe he would act this way towards Sebastian. His best friend. I think I'm going to tell Sebastian myself that Anne is in town – I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I don't. Especially if the worst happens and she passes away without him having gotten the opportunity to see her."

My heart goes out to Poppy and her concern for Sebastian. She truly seems to have sweet intentions, so I confide in her the secret that will ease her mind. "Don't worry, Poppy. I've already told Sebastian...I couldn't keep it from him. And he's already seen Anne. Anne wasn't happy about it, but at least he got the opportunity to see her. I don't know if Ominis knows yet, but it's the truth."

A wave of relief washes over her face. "Oh, Merlin, Jasmine, I am so happy to hear that!" she exclaims, suddenly rushing over and throwing her arms around me. I return the hug, taken aback by the height of her emotion. I've never fully been able to relate to people that empathize so much with the emotions of all the people around them – I have a very inner circle of people that I care deeply for, but have trouble empathizing with others outside of that. The fact that Poppy was so troubled over Sebastian's plight even though she's not very close with him touches my heart and I respect her immensely.

Poppy takes a step back. "I still don't know how to face Ominis after everything. Anne's request for him not to tell Sebastian that she's in town is still unforgivable to me, as well as the fact that Ominis actually kept her secret. At least Anne still has Sebastian; she should cling to him after the losses they've suffered, not push him away. Not everyone has the opportunity to have family. And Ominis of all people should understand that as well as me," Poppy says, the sadness returning to her eyes, and I can see she's speaking from the heart.

If only you knew what Sebastian had done, Poppy. It's not as easy as that.

It's nearly impossible to justify Anne's choice without divulging the dark secret of why Anne and Sebastian have become so estranged. I know I cannot speak on that front, so I try my best to remediate the situation without saying too much.

"Poppy...it's Anne's choice and she has no obligation to see Sebastian. What's between them is between them and them alone. I know I told Sebastian everything, but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. It's Anne's choice and who are we to judge that? I think you should talk to Ominis – he was simply trying to respect Anne's wish and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. He's her friend too. At least hear him out, Poppy. I know Ominis misses you."

Poppy sighs deeply. "Maybe you're right. I guess I have been quite hard on Ominis. The truth is I simply couldn't bear the thought of Anne driving her own remaining family away from her, when Sebastian seems to have done nothing wrong. But it is between them, and it's not Ominis's place to correct them either. It's wrong of me to make Ominis suffer for that."

I breathe out a sigh of relief to see her coming around. She catches my eye, a slight sparkle back in them. "Thanks, Jasmine, this conversation relieved a huge burden I'd been carrying in my chest. I'm still upset with Ominis, but I'm going to go find him and at least try to have a talk with him."

"Please do, Poppy. I know it will mean the world to Ominis."

With one final parting hug, I watch Poppy's small frame retreating into the distance, back towards the school. I wonder if Ominis will be upset with me once he finds out I went against Anne's wishes.

I'm left standing there with my thoughts, craving Sebastian's comforting presence now more than ever. I've started thinking of him again in emotional moments.  I've started to accept him as a part of my life again, for better or for worse.