what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Forgiveness

When Sebastian finally does pull away, my heart feels like it's getting ripped away from me. I try to keep the pain from being plainly displayed across my face. It feels pathetic, how I so easily lose all my self respect when it comes to him.

He takes a step back, searching for something in my eyes. The tear stains still linger on his cheeks and it takes all the strength I have inside me not to wipe them away. I can imagine my fingertips brushing his sculpted cheekbones, and the thought does something to me that I wish it didn't.

"The only thing that's bad for me is being away from you. But I don't like the way you ghost me and play with my emotions. I don't like the way it felt like you only wanted to reconnect with me because you were jealous of me having a good time with Ominis. I don't like the way I have to watch every word I say because I'm so afraid of losing you," I admit. 

"You don't have to be afraid of losing me. One way or the other, I'm always going to be a part of your life, Jazz. And I'm not exactly jealous of you and Ominis. It was just a trigger for me, seeing you two together, because I feel the closest to both of you out of anyone in the world.Sometimes I just feel left out."

"That's no one's doing but your own, Sebastian. We'd have happily accepted you into our lives any day, but you chose to push us both away. Of course you hurt me, but do you have any idea how much you hurt Ominis? He has the most gentle soul anyone could ever imagine, and you went and stepped all over it." Now I'm getting heated, because I can tolerate disrespect towards me, but never towards Ominis.

After the events of our fifth year, Sebastian had stopped communicating with both myself and Ominis for some time. Eventually, he had reconnected with Ominis, but not before Ominis went through a world of pain trying to forgive what Sebastian had done without his friendship and support to help him through it.

I do understand why Sebastian pushed us away, but it was also a very selfish choice. We should have all had each other to lean on in the toughest of times. Ominis and I did emotionally support each other quite a bit at first, but without Sebastian in the picture, our friendship felt like it was hanging by a thread. That's when I had grown closer to Amit and Imelda, trying to distance myself from absolutely everything that reminded me of Sebastian – which unfortunately included Ominis. Ominis had drifted towards finding comfort in friendships with Garreth and Poppy. We would pass each other in the hallways with this immeasurable level of nostalgia, our previous deep conversations having turned into surface level hellos.

Sebastian breaks me out of my thoughts when he starts speaking. "I know I hurt him, and it's almost impossible to forgive myself. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to Ominis, I'll promise you that."

"Don't promise ME that. Talk to Ominis."

"I will, I will. But enough about Ominis. I want to focus on us right now," he says.

Us. The word holds so much potential. I can almost imagine Seb and I laying in the grass on a warm day, his head on my lap, the sunlight touching his freckled skin.

I can picture us in the astronomy tower, gazing out at the stars together, the moonlight etching patterns onto our entwined hands.

The reality that I've always craved, but struggle to even admit to myself, let alone to him.

It hurts more than anything to try to imagine forever with a person who can't even be here in the present.

I've never quite been able to decipher his feelings for me. He's never actually expressed his desire for anything more than friendship, but the way that he looks at me tells a different story.

"I hope Amit has been taking good care of you," he suddenly says, his eyes shifting away from mine.

"Amit...?" I ask in confusion, then immediately can't help but let out a small chuckle when I realize the assumption he's making. "Do you think I'm in a relationship with him?"

"Aren't you? A few months ago, I had gone up to the Astronomy tower late at night to try to complete an assignment that I had been putting off. I saw you and Amit there, with your head resting on his shoulder and a blanket tucked around you two. I left because I had the feeling I'd be interrupting something."

"Oh, Merlin, no, Sebastian. He's just a good friend to me, that's all."

"Hmm." Sebastian has a pensive look in his eyes.

"Why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to know who you are close with these days. I want to fit myself back into your life. I'm just trying to understand where you have space for me."

I sigh in exasperation. "You know I have space for you, anywhere you want to be, but you have to choose to be in my life. There are only so many second chances a person can get."

"You have my word, Jasmine. I won't hurt you again."'

As we leave the Undercroft to head back to our dormitories, I can't help but wonder if he means it this time.