what if? // sebastian sallow

In the Shadow of Rejection

Suggested soundtrack: Stuff We Did - Married Life

Classes the next day are a blur – I keep thinking about Anne. I fear Anne's reaction when I show up at her Feldcroft cottage with Sebastian, unannounced. Rather than worrying about myself, I worry that she will hurt Sebastian with her words. His love for her runs deep, and I'm sure it wouldn't take much for her to hurt him.

Sebastian and I had met up in the common room this morning and planned to go tonight. He had asked me several times if I was comfortable with trying my ancient magic on Anne, and I insisted that I was. The thought of potentially curing Anne with it has been haunting me since fifth year, so it will almost be a relief to try it and see if it works. At least then we could say that we have actually tried everything. I don't want to live with any "what ifs" about whether we could have cured Anne.

***

That night, when we arrive at the cottage, Sebastian takes my hand in his for a moment and gives it a quick squeeze. "Whatever lies ahead, we will face it together, Jazz," he says, his voice low, and my anxiety abates, if only for a moment.

He takes charge and knocks on the door gently.

We wait in anticipation for the door to open, and finally it does. Anne looks up at us from her wheelchair, shock in her eyes.

A moment of silence passes while she registers what has happened before she says, "I simply cannot believe you would do this, Jasmine. I already thought twice about telling Ominis to bring you, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You've betrayed me, and left me to regret it now." Her voice is low and her words are bitter. I can hardly meet her eyes, but I can feel the heat on me, full of anger and spite.

Sebastian steps in front of me. "This doesn't concern Jasmine at all, Anne. Don't shoot the messenger...the reality of it is that you should have told me yourself that you're in town. It doesn't matter how upset you are with me, or what's happened between us in the past. At the end of it all, you're the only family I have left, you're my blood, and I deserve to know what's happening to you! Everything I've done has been for you, and you don't even find me deserving to know about your life?"

Anne looks away from Sebastian, her face cold. "Like I've said before, Sebastian, you made your choice. I don't owe you anything. You lost the right to know about my life when you took Uncle Solomon away from me. While you were lost in your books and futile attempts for a cure, far away from me, Uncle Solomon was at my side. He would read me stories at night when I couldn't sleep from my cough, he would make me tea, he would give me potions to ease the pain. He did what mattered, Sebastian, and he grew frustrated that you couldn't see that. And how did you repay that? By taking his life when I was already as good as dead! Look at me now! Do I look healed to you?!"

Anne finally meets his gaze, and the tension between them is palpable. I see heartbreak in Sebastian's eyes, and he's at a loss for words.

I speak up in Sebastian's silence. "That's not fair, Anne. Sebastian was desperately searching for a cure for you. He took it too far – no one can object to that. But his intentions were pure, and he does regret what he did. He already hates himself for what happened, and the last thing he needs is for you to remind him of it and blame him for it. He wants to make amends."

Anne looks skeptically at both of us. "Is that so? Tell me the truth then – why are you really here? Sebastian, are you actually here to say your final goodbyes, or are you here to try to push some cure on me again?"          

Sebastian catches my eye and shakes his head ever so slightly, and I understand the change of plans immediately.

"We're just here so I can see you, Anne. That's all I've ever wanted," he says.

Anne's face immediately softens. "Though I'm still not happy about it, you two should come inside," she says, wheeling herself towards the kitchen.

Sebastian rushes to get her a glass of water while I finally close the door behind us. For a moment there, I thought she may not even let us into the house.

Once Anne has had some water to control her cough, Sebastian and I sit down at the table in the living room and she pulls herself up to it in her wheelchair. A heavy silence hangs in the air between us, unlike the usual lightheartedness and banter in our past.

"I'm at least relieved to see you're not rambling on about a cure, Sebastian. If you would've come to pester me with that again, it would only have confirmed to me that you haven't changed," Anne says finally, and my heart sinks.

"I've wanted to see you, I've wanted to know how you are. Why did you stop writing to me?" Sebastian asks.

That phrase resonates for me deeply because I wanted to ask Sebastian that question every single day for the years that he ghosted me. But I push the immature thought from my mind; there are more important things at hand.

"I stopped writing to you because you needed to move on from looking for a cure, Sebastian. I wanted you to move on with your life. You went too far down a dangerous path trying to save me, and almost lost yourself in the process," Anne says. She enters a ragged bout of coughing, wrapping her arms around her stomach in pain. Sebastian reaches out and rubs her back, looking at her worriedly, exchanging a nervous glance with me.

"Leave all of that in the past, Anne. Let me be here for you now in the ways that you need me to be. You lead, I'll follow. You know I'm deeply sorry for everything that has happened. But please don't shut me out of your life, I'm begging you to give me the opportunity to be a part of it, whatever it takes," Sebastian says.

Anne sharply takes in a breath of air, struggling to get her words out. "I still struggle to forgive you, Sebastian. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. It's hard for me to even be sitting here with you right now. Thank you for coming to see me, but I request that you please don't visit me here again unless I ask. I'll be in town for a few days, and I'll try to send you an owl to see me off before I leave. But please – until you hear from me, give me space. Both of you. I wasn't ready for this," Anne says, her words having a hint of finality to them.

I see Sebastian's face fall, but he doesn't test her limits. "I'll be waiting for your owl, Anne. Please think about what I've said."

"I'll think about it. And please respect my need for space, and don't turn up here again unannounced."

Our goodbyes with Anne are cold and empty, and Sebastian and I leave Feldcroft in low spirits, parting ways at the Slytherin common room in silence.

I can tell he's lost in his thoughts, and the chance for us to try to cure Anne suddenly seems very slim.

How can you cure someone who isn't even willing to try anymore?

When I get back to the girls' dormitory, it is abuzz with news of a party planned for the next night. It'll be hosted in the Slytherin common room, but students from other houses will be able to attend as well, as long as they are directly invited by a Slytherin student.

Though the timing feels wrong after the events of tonight, I look forward to the distraction tomorrow. The past few weeks have been filled with emotional turmoil, and I need a break from all of it. I could use some loud music and drinks to suppress the dark thoughts I've found myself drowning in recently.