Release

empty & numb

I wish I could feel empty

I wish I could feel numb

I wish you would be happy (are you happy?)

I wish this would be over and done.

Because I'm not happy, maybe you are,
but I'm not. My sadness was born before your time.
And it's never been something I can get rid of.
I can control it, sometimes, but sometimes,
I need someone to help me
control it
a little better.

I feel numb, sometimes, and sometimes,
that gets me through the hour (or a few, I can't tell), when I feel nothing,
another drink,
a different mixture,
another drink,
and for the moment, my problems seem to fade,
but they return, of course,
because they're as stubborn as me.

I feel empty, most times.
I've always felt empty.
Just now, it's a bit more prominent than before.
My stomach decided to stay empty for a few days,
my heart decided to stay emptier, than before,
I thought it was empty before,
but it turns out, there was still some dusty 'ol records inside,
playing. Cracking, but playing.
In the past.

But the problem is, I've felt everything. So strongly.
Every memory.
Every laugh.
Every smile.
Every photograph.
Every nightmare.
Every dream.
Every promise.
Every lie.
Everything.
And that's probably my problem,
I feel too deeply, too strongly.
And that's why,
every time,

I become a little emptier,

I find it harder to numb myself,

I lose a bit more happiness,

and I try to end everything, so it'll all be over and done.

I guess routine is just what I'm good at.