The Blog

Berwald 3: Heart

Warning: Mentions of suicide attemps!

Berwald was deeply focused on his laptop, typing away, when he heard a knock on the door. He assumed it was his mother, who usually checked in on him to make sure he was taking breaks and eating properly. To his surprise, when he opened the door, he saw his little brother Erland standing there. Erland was holding his Nintendo Switch, but instead of having his face buried in it like usual, he was actually looking at Berwald.

"Oh, hey," Berwald said. "What's up?"

Erland grinned and walked past Berwald into the room. "Nothing much," he said. "Just wanted to say hi."

Berwald closed the door and turned back to his laptop. "Well, hi," he said. "I'm in the middle of writing a paper, so I'll probably be here for a while."

Erland walked over to Berwald's bed and sat down, still holding his Switch. "That's cool," he said. "I'll just play some games while you work."

Berwald chuckled. "Typical," he said. "But at least you're not walking into doorways with your head buried in that thing anymore."

Erland rolled his eyes. "Ha ha," he said, sarcastically. "Very funny."

They were both quiet for a few minutes, Berwald typing away at his laptop and Erland playing his game. Then, out of nowhere, Erland spoke up.

"When you were unconscious, what did you see?" he asked.

Berwald stopped typing and turned to look at Erland. "What?" he said, confused.

"When you tried to kill yourself," Erland said, looking up from his game. "What did you see?"

Berwald sighed and shook his head. "I didn't see anything," he said. "I was unconscious."

Erland looked disappointed. "Oh," he said. "I thought you might have seen God or something."

Berwald raised an eyebrow. "Why would you think that?" he asked.

Erland shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Prescott said his mom told him that people who commit suicide will go to Hell."

Berwald felt a wave of anger wash over him. That woman could never keep her mouth shut. 

"Well, if it makes you feel any better," he said, "I didn't see God or the Devil. I just had some weird dreams."

Erland looked skeptical. "What kind of dreams?" he asked.

Berwald hesitated for a moment before answering. "I dreamt about our parents," he said. "We were all at a train station, and I got on a train but they didn't. They just waved at me as it pulled away."

Erland looked relieved. "Oh," he said. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"No," Berwald said. "It wasn't."

Erland was quiet for a moment before speaking up again. "But why did you try to kill yourself?" he asked.

Berwald sighed. "It's complicated," he said. "And it's not something I really want to get into right now."

Erland looked hurt. "But I'm your brother," he said. "You can tell me anything."

Berwald knew that Erland was too young to understand, but he couldn't help feeling guilty for not telling him the truth. "It's just not something that's easy to explain," he said. "Maybe when you're older."

Erland looked like he was going to protest, but Berwald cut him off. "Look," he said. "I promise you that I'm never going to hurt myself again. You have to trust me on that."

Erland nodded, and Berwald took him into his arms.