What You're Worth // Billie Eilish

Part I

Gillian hated her name.

The second Gillian developed a working conscious and could form her own opinions, she quickly realized how estranged she felt from her own name.

She did her best to separate herself from the letters that were engraved on her birth certificate. She created nicknames for herself, scolded others for going any farther than "Gilly", and at one point, even tried to legally change it.

She never thought of herself of a Gillian. An Angelica or an Aaliyah felt better suited for her. She wouldn't have minded her middle name, Essence, being her first instead.

Spiritual, but never quite religious, Gillian believed your destiny started with your name. It held so much power and carried so much weight.

Unfortunately, when you hate something as simple as the name you were given, it's easy to begin to hate yourself.

Her late father told her to take pride in who you are. But because she was cursed with a title she did not like, she made it a priority to give her son something beautiful. Something influential.

Elias, now four years old, was named after Gillian's dad— The kindest man she knew with a fate that was less than ideal.

Gillian was a daddy's girl at heart and everyone knew.

So, when she tucked Elias in on this warm summer night and kissed his forehead, she tried her hardest to fight back tears. Because all she could see in that little face of his, was her father.

"Mommy loves you, Eli." She gently smoothed his hair down. "Do you know that?"

He nodded and gave her a big smile.

She gave him a final look that said a thousand words before plugging in his night light and closing the door.

"You going in tonight?" Were the first words Gillian was met as soon as the door shut.

"Yeah, just for a lil bit." She brushed past Malik, in search of her duffle-bag.

"Don't be like that, G." He followed her into their bedroom.

"Like what."

"Catching a fuckin' attitude when all I was ask a question."

Gillian said nothing, only unzipping the bag and putting her phone charger in next.

He sucked his teeth and began to walk away, "Yeah go ahead and have fun dancing for other niggas."

Gillian dropped the bag from her grasp and turned around. "You think this is what I wanna do, Malik?" She shoved his shoulder so he would pay attention to her. "Who else is gonna pay these bills? Huh, Malik?"

"I'm trying to find work G. You know that. All you do is go out and have the time of your life. I know you like it."

"I do it for the money, that's it. I don't let nobody touch me but you, nigga. I could, but I don't. That's the difference between me and you."

"Nobody wants you but me, that's why. And stop bringing up old shit from the past like it matters."

Gillian bit down on her lip and nodded repeatedly. "Okay, Malik. Don't look for me tonight. I'll be by Kella's."

He sighed and ran his hands down his face, regretting his words almost immediately. "C'mon, baby. You know I ain't mean it like that."

"Elias said he wanted pancakes for breakfast. Make him two." Gilly told him flatly, slinging the strap of the bag over her shoulder and leaving without another word.

"Aight, G. I see how it is." He yelled after her, but she had already tuned him out.

Now under the fluorescent lights of a shared dressing room, Gillian ran a hot comb through 30 inches of hair, only half-listening to Kella.