Cheat [MxM] (Carter Brothers Book 1)

Chapter 37

EZRA • POV

I held Jae's warm, slim hands tightly in my own, drawing strength and courage from the physical contact, even as nerves made the bile in my stomach surge like a crashing wave. Sweat was beading along my forehead and I tried not to focus on the rolling droplets trailing down the back of my neck, soaking into my shirt collar.

Part of me knew that it was unreasonable to feel so petrified, so fearful of letting this next chapter of our lives unfold.

I knew in the very bottom of my heart that I wanted to marry Jae, that my love for him ran so deep, I couldn't fathom imagining my life without him in it. Without his beaming smile, his cackling laugh, his horrendous sleeping habits, his crude jokes and sexy sass. I wanted to hold onto him until my death bed - keep him close and in my arms forever.

Marrying him just felt... right.

I wanted our kids to share our last names, I wanted us to be able to travel without worrying about proving to those we came across that we were lovers and a family. I wanted to be reassured in the safe fact that schools and hospitals and any other service we'd need, would respect us as a couple and allow us access to one another and our kids.

But even more than that, I wanted to be able to refer to Jae as my loving, crazy husband and I wanted him to call me his own devoted husband in return. Boyfriend just wasn't enough for where we were headed, where we already were.

That word, 'husband', sent shivers rippling through me, goosebumps rising along my skin, hairs standing on point.

It used to make me feel trapped, confined, angry and so fucking depressed that I couldn't bare to hear it uttered in my direction. Not when being a husband meant that I was chained down to Renee, fearing for the shattering of my relationship with my son and under a crushing amount of pressure from our parents. 

But now, when I thought about it, the word only evoked a strong sense of longing, belonging and warmth within me. Jae's husband. Jae's dedicated husband. I wanted him to feel secure in my commitment, my fierce protectiveness and ever burning love for him.

I wanted him to know that I'd do anything for him if he'd agree to be mine and I, his.

Though on the other hand, the fear that sent my pulse racing and my stomach flipping was still very much present, fueled by insecurity and the possibility that Jae wouldn't say yes. I knew he loved me, of course he did. He wouldn't have fought so hard beside me for so long if he didn't.

But marriage was almost an omen between us. I'd met him when I was married and we'd started dating through my technical infidelity towards my then wife. What if he believed marriage wouldn't make me faithful to him because of those early days?

He'd been witness to the messy, ugly, traumatising divorce and the long-lasting damage it had caused. Had it scared him off marriage altogether? I wouldn't blame him if he turned me down. It had been a complete shit show and although I'd be devastated if he decided that marriage wasn't what he wanted, I'd have to respect that. 

Afterall, it would mean tying him to my family, tying him to my homophobic parents, to Renee, to all the bad that came along with my baggage. My heavy fucking baggage. He was still young, twenty-six with a thirty-three year old man. If there was more exploring he wanted to do or he wasn't ready for commitment on his end either, then that was also a possibility I couldn't fault him for.

Though I wasn't terrified enough to really encourage that last thought. Jae and I had two kids now, of course he was ready for commitment or he would've denied fathering Ollie and adopting Opal. He was Appa Jae now. He was committed... to the kids.