Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

Panting Is Rather Un-Attractive

The next day at school I can't get Clive's advice out of my mind. Live without regrets. Live without regrets? How can I when I regret so much already?

And when I see Larkin between assembly and first period I almost throw up from being so conflicted. As he walks by where Olive, Macey and I stand, Olive nudges me gently. "Why don't you just talk to him like Clive said?"

I shrug.

Macey grunts. "Gemma, seriously. Just do it."

A little annoyed at knowing they're right, I chase after Larkin. When I reach him I'm a little out of breath and I die a little from embarrassment as I look up at him panting unattractively. "Larkin!"

Larkin looks at me slightly perplexed, but amused at the same time. "Uh... Gemma?"

"I need to talk to you."

As if remembering who I am and who he is, Larkin closes off, smirking at me. "Uhuh, yeah, well, last I remembered, you wanted to be left alone."

He starts to walk off, but I keep up with him. "Larkin, please. Let me talk to you."

Larkin sighs, his eyes rolling slightly. "Make it quick, Gemma. I have places to be."

"Don't we all..." I look around and notice that people are watching us and I remember with embarrassment that the rumors of us have spread high and low. "Can we go somewhere?"

Larkin doesn't respond. At least, not in the verbal sense; he just pulls me into an empty classroom and shuts the door behind us. "Talk."

"I... uh." Now I'm here and I can't even form a coherent thought. I glance at the clock; I have only four minutes. "Larkin, I don't want you to leave me alone. I'm sorry that I said that. I was hurt - I still am hurt - by what you did, but I do like you..."

Larkin narrows his eyes in confusion. "Gemma, I told you, I don't chase girls."

I groan slightly. "You are so conceited! I'm not saying I want to be your damn girlfriend. I want to be your friend. We have a lot in common and I... want us to not... be like we are right now."

Larkin shakes his head, still confused. "Well, I thought you hated me."

I sigh. "I did. I hated that you lied. I hated that you took advantage of me. But I also liked spending that whole day with you and... I guess... I don't know. I want to be friends."

Larkin smiles and my entire heart is lightened, a burden set free. "Sure. That sounds good."

The bell rings and I smile at him. "Okay. So... friends?"

Larkin nods. "Friends.... Should we like, part with a secret handshake?"

I laugh, snorting slightly which then turns my face to mortification and Larking starts smiling. "Oh my God, I can't believe I snorted!"

Larkin shakes his head and as we start for first period I feel more inspired than ever before.

***

The days go by with the same pattern of events: I barely make it through morning assembly, I talk with Olive and Macey before first period, I suffer through my morning classes - French being my favorite - and then I have English, which is my saving grace. Larkin and I have fallen into the familiarity that came with that day where we worked on the project. We make snide comments, laugh and just talk together.

As the days continue to progress we grow closer, but there are still moments when I am reminded of the wedding, of the library and most importantly, the kitchen. I hear the rumors around the school, of how Larkin is sleeping with this girl, but fooling around with this other girl. It seems to be a new girl every other day. I don't mention any of this to him, but I do wonder how the boy who can make me laugh and so comfortable can be such a player.

The worst times are when I feel myself becoming attracted to Larkin. There's still that fragment - ever so tiny - of Something that I feel for him. It creeps into the corners of my heart and finds a place to rest right above my doubts and suspicions.

As for the art competition I still can't find inspiration. I tried working on the Olive piece again, but I still can't find that something that's missing. Laurene tries to help, but it comes at no avail.

***

Seventh period Friday comes and I file into the English room, ready to hear Larkin's familiar snark that accompanies his manner. He sits in his usual desk and I slide into mine, smiling at him.

"Hiya, Gem."

I wrinkle my nose, still half-heartedly against him calling me that. Inside, I know I like it though. "Hi, Larkin. How's your day?"

He shrugs. "Fine. But thank God, it's Friday. Oh! Hey, are you going to that party tonight?"

I make a face. "I don't know. Olive and Macey want me too, but isn't it at Cleo Michael's house?"

Cleo Michael is apparently Larkin's newest conquest, or rather, play toy. She's a senior, pretty, but rich and spoiled too. She and I have always gotten along, but that Something that lingers in my heart makes me immensely jealous of her, for the fact that Larkin chooses her.

Larkin waves his hand, as if this news is trivial. "Yeah, so what? That just means it'll be a good party."

I roll my eyes. "Do you do anything but party and read mythology? Wow, that combination is, like, abnormal." I pause, considering this. "Well, I guess we are talking about you, the picture of atypical."

He rolls his eyes. "Har, har. Are you going or what?"

"Why does it matter?" I ask, annoyed that he's asking so many times. "It's not like you'll come out of the bedroom to notice."

Larkin's jaw clenches as it always does when a soft spot is brought up in a conversation with him. "Gemma, don't start. We agreed that we don't talk about... what we do on our own."

"Oh, whatever, Larkin. We both know it's true. You're going to Cleo's to get laid. Just admit it. I hear gossip you know, I'm not a nun."

Larkin closes his eyes, shaking his head. "Gemma, I don't... You don't understand."

Ms. Smith calls the attention of the class to the front and we sit through a fitful lecture on the importance of Harriet Beecher Stowe's work of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' and how it affected the Civil War Era. I risk multiple glances at Larkin, but he's completely attentive to Ms. Smith's lesson, not even glancing at me.

When the bell rings I pull him aside. "Larkin, don't get angry at me for finally bringing up the elephant in the room. We both know what goes on behind closed doors at parties."

Larkin sighs agitatedly and runs a hand through his hair. "Gemma, don't you have art?"

"No, Larkin, talk to me."

"Ugh! Gemma, I don't want to talk to you about the girls I spend time with. You're different from them, okay? I don't want you thinking you're like them at all." Larkin's eyes, for once, are not the most piercing thing about him. It's his words that pierce me far deeper.

"Gee, Larkin, way to put it so bluntly. God, why are you such an asshole? I realize I'm not pretty enough to be one of your conquests, okay? I realize I'm only friend material, alright? But you don't need to be such a dick about it."

I don't give him a chance to respond.

I've already heard enough.