Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

There's Something About Being Wanted

The rest of the weekend is pure torture and I'm certain nothing can get worse. Until I'm walking to English Monday morning and realize that I have to face Larkin for the first time since the late night encounter we had in the jeep. Larkin hurt me, I'll be honest. He hurt me because he was honest, but most importantly he pointed out all of my flaws and didn't leave me any time to give him the glaring reason why I didn't trust him: he was still a player.

When I arrive in English I avoid his gaze even though I feel him staring me down. But it seems he already knew I'd ignore him because sitting on my desk is a bag of peach rings and a letter attached to it with tape. I really don't want to touch either, but I mean they're peach rings. He certainly knows my weakness.

I stare at them for all of class and when the bell rings I scoop up my books and grab the candy and letter as well. I rush to the art rooms and open the bag of peach rings, eating half of them before remembering the letter attached to them.

I stare at the letter, where 'Gem' is written across the front in a surprisingly neat scrawl. I slowly open it and begin reading:

Gem,
I don't really know why I said all that I said the other night. I guess it had been eating away at me for a while. I realize I said a lot of rude things and I apologize for that. I don't, however, apologize for saying that we love each other because that much is true. I'm not sure where this will put us, but I want you to know I'm not giving up.

I once told you that I don't chase girls and I don't. But I am going to chase you because I meant it when I said you're different. You're not someone I want to use and throw away. You're someone I want to treasure and hold onto for as long as God and Fate and Luck and You will let me.

You're my Gem and I won't rest until I've given this chase all I have.

Love and apologies,
Larkin

I close the letter and feel the weight of it in my palm. I notice now he's drawn a little heart around my name on the front and I feel the weight lighten at the sight of it. I can tell he means it. If I'm an artist with paints, Larkin is an artist with words.

I don't pull out any canvases to work on my pieces for the Crary. I pull out a sketch pad and let my mind wander as I doodle on the pages.

Larkin loves me. I love him.

But what is he doing with all those girls then? I can't be with him when all he ever does is play other girls. I don't want to date him and only have half his heart. I want him to love me and I want him to be mine and mine alone. Who wants to love someone that spends their time flirting and sleeping with other girls? No one.

This much is true: I do love Larkin Knight. I think I've loved him since I laid eyes on him for the first time at Lauren's wedding. I'm not sure if I believe in Fate, but I do believe in the love I have for him. People always say that there's no such thing as love at first sight and maybe they're right. But I do believe that the capacity to love at first sight is just beneath the surface.

I've loved him and I love him and I will always love him.

That much is true and I don't really care how it came to be that way.

***

I find Larkin in the library, surrounded by books at one of the tables. It's still eighth period, but I know that I need to speak with him and therefore I'm skipping art. Because I mean it when I say I don't want his love if he's going to be with a million other girls if he's with me.

He looks up at me, smiling and pulling a seat out for me to sit in. I take it and smile back at him. "Hiya, Larkin."

"Gem," That's all he says, but in it is so much more than just a simple nickname.

"I... I read your letter."

His eyes lighten and I see him relax some. "Oh... I was afraid you'd throw it away and just eat the peach rings."

I laugh, glad that he's still able to make jokes with me. "No, I ate them and then read it and... I loved it, Larkin. I loved it and... I love you."

I wasn't planning on saying it so plainly, but it's something I'm not afraid of anymore. We both know that's what's between us and there's no point hiding from it.

Before he can say anything I keep going. "I think I've loved you for a while now. You're right, I was scared and I still am a little. I don't know where this will put us, but my brother said something to me about living to the fullest and I don't want to regret not loving you fully."

Larkin looks at me with such an intense gaze that I feel weak in my stomach. "Gem, I do love you. And I want to be with you."

I shake my head, unsure of what I'm supposed to do or even say to him. I still have my doubts and surely, he must see that. It can't just be all flowers and love and romance - there are still major problems preventing us from being together.

He looks at me hopefully, but now a little concerned by my silence. "Does this mean... you want to date?"

I bite down on my lip and look away from those piercing blue eyes. I do love him - there's no denying that. But is he really loving me or am I just another one of his conquests? Am I just another girl he wants to capture with his charm so that he can say he's gotten every girl he's ever tried for?

"Larkin, how am I supposed to believe that you actually love me? How can I when every other day you're with a different girl?" I finally look up at him, but instantly regret it. I see hurt, I see guilt, but I also see determination.

Larkin runs a hand through his hair. "Gem, what are you saying? You don't trust me? That's why you don't want to be together?"

"No, Larkin, I'm saying that I don't think you'll actually put effort into this and, to me, it's not worth losing what we already have." I move to leave, but Larkin grabs my wrist, pulling me back into the chair.

"Gem, I'm not giving up. I'll show it to you that I mean what I say. I do love you and I'm not going to leave you. I'm chasing you and I won't stop until you see that I'm here to stay."

I pull away and can't help smiling. There's something exciting, something humbling, something exhilarating about being wanted.

~~~

A/N:

On the side is a pic of the brother and sister -- Gemma and Clive

(Dylan O'Brien and Crystal Reed)

Love always, Samantha