Just you and I

XXII

"I figured. Is there anything I can do to help?"

I shake my head. "No. And that's me being completely honest. You can't fix my broken past, Sofia's moodswings, my alcoholic fucked up parents, my low self esteem, or the fact that the girl who was supposed to be my friend betrayed me."

I feel the tears dwelling behind my eyes, just waiting to be released. Saylor, don't. We're not crying. It's embarrassing. Keep them in. No Niagara Falls today. Not happening. Because once I start, I won't be able stop. And I don't want any sympathy, I hate it. It makes me feel broken.

I look up and take in a deep breath. One, two, three. I blow the air back out, slow and steady. Better.

"I can't fix it. But I can listen."

I look over at her, she has no clue how bad it really is. I've been spiralling for weeks. Sure I've been hanging out with the group, spent quality time with Sofia, worked, did my schoolwork. But honestly? I've been doing anything and everything so I wouldn't have time to feel my feelings, or so I wouldn't even have time to think about them.

"No, but thank you though."
"Why not?"
"Because you're my teacher. Which, you set that boundary."

She sighs. She has a defeated look on her face. Like she doesn't know what to do. Whether she wants to drop the boundary and actually show me how she truly feels, or whether she wants to keep up her act and stick with the boundary.

"It's okay Dani. I understand."

I get up off the couch and walk over to the kitchen. I grab a mug and turn on my Nescafé coffee machine. Nothing makes me feel better than a latte machiato caramel does. I wait for the power button to turn green.

"Really, Saylor. Coffee in the evening?"

She sits down at the kitchen counter while she watches me.

"Yes, ma'am. Coffee is there for me when no one else is." I wink and put in my first coffee pod.
I press the button and wait for the amazing smell of caramel to fill the room. Nothing will ever beat that. Caramel macchiato has my heart.

"Did you just call me ma'am?"
"Sure did."
"Ew."

I chuckle while taking out the first coffee pod and putting in the second one. The second one's the milk, I press the button again and throw away the first pod in the trash.

"I can always call you Ms. Jones. Fine with me."
"You already call me that enough in school."
"Well, I don't think you would appreciate me calling you Dani in school."
"Touché."

I nod, "I know, I'm always right", and grab my coffee cup from the coffee machine. I blow on the hot liquid before taking a sip. Tastes like heaven. My latte never disappoints me.

"Aren't you afraid you won't be able to sleep tonight if you drink coffee that late?"

I shrug my shoulders, "can't fall asleep anyways, so might as well." I walk over towards the kitchen counter after turning off the coffee machine and sit down next to her.

"Why can you not fall asleep?"
"My brain's too loud. I can distract myself during the day, but not at night."
"So that's why your grades have been good, huh?"
She looks at me with a grin on her face, like she's a proud teacher or something. "Mhm, I guess."

If she's here just to talk about my grades, she really might as well leave, because I'm not doing that.

"How about you, though?"
I frown, "what do you mean?"
"Your grades are good. But you aren't doing good at all."
"Does thé boundary-setting Ms. Jones really care about anything more than my grades right now? Never thought that day would come."
"Ha ha."
"I know, I'm hilarious."
"You're also depressed."
"Hilarious, depressed. Eh, same thing."

I take another sip of my coffee while keeping the eye-contact. "I'm worried about you, Saylor."

I don't know what to respond to that. Sure I somehow thought she cared, but I didn't really expect her to actually tell me. Or I didn't expect it to even be true. And I don't deal well with emotional stuff like this. I feel like sobbing everytime someone shows me any sign of compassion. It makes me feel vulnerable.

"Well, my grades will be fine. So, no worries."
"I'm not talking about your grades."
"I know."

I take another sip of my coffee, trying to distract myself from the fact that she cares. Trying to distract myself from the urge I have to cry my heart out. Trying to distract myself from wanting to tell her that I am in fact not doing okay, that I don't know how to deal with any of this.

"Saylor. Please talk to me."

I look up at her and put my cup down on the counter. Right, talking. Ofcourse. I can do that.

"Any plans for Halloween?"
She sighs.
"That's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I know. Please just go with it. I can't talk feelings or emotions, or pasts, or memories, or futures, or troubles. So, any plans?"

She frowns as she stares directly into my eyes, she has a wondering look on her face. Like she's searching for answers. After a while, her look softens and she gives me a small nod.

"Okay. I'm going to my sister's work event, hence we had to make one too many cupcakes."
"Oh. What does she do?"
"Works for a fashion company."
"Sofia would love that."
"You're more than welcome to come."
"No, I don't wanna barge in. Plus, Sofia and I are going trick-or-treating. Have fun though."
"No, please. Ben will be there and I can't stand him. You can come before going trick-or-treating."
"Ben?"
"Her homophobic husband."
"Ah. Well, I do want the cupcake you didn't bring me tonight. And I guess it'd make Sofia happy."

She gets up from her seat. "Good. I'll text you the address tomorrow morning." She heads over to the couch and grabs her purse she left on the floor. 

"Are you leaving?"
"Yes."
"Right. Boundaries."

I get up from my seat and walk over to the front door. I open the door for her, but she turns towards me before walking out. "Can I hug you?"
I hesitantly look into her eyes, searching for an answer, but then give her a small nod. She slowly wraps her arms around me and I return her hug.
It feels comfortable and safe, just like it did last time. Even though last time we were on better terms.

She backs away, turning the warm comfortable hug into a sharp cold lost feeling. A feeling I can't place. It feels like sadness, but it hurts just as much as being abandoned does.

"Are you okay?"
"Um yeah. Bye."
"Bye, see you tomorrow."

I close the door behind her and lock it. I lean against it and slowly slide towards the floor.
I bring my knees up and surround them with my arms and finally let out the loud sobs that have been trying to escape my mouth. I forcefully put both my hands over my mouth to stop the sounds from getting out, in attempt to not wake Sofia.

I get up off the floor and run towards my bedroom. I crawl in bed and cover myself with my blanket while uncontrollably sobbing into my pillow. I try to catch my breath and slow down before having a panic attack.

It takes me a while to ease my breathing. Once I managed to breath slow and steady, I grab my phone and put on a song. I take some over the counter sleepy meds and try to fall asleep.

I used to float, now I just fall down
I used to know, but I'm not sure now
What I was made for
What was I made for?
Takin' a drive, I was an ideal
Looked so alive, turns out, I'm not real
Just something you paid for
What was I made for?
'Cause I, I
I don't know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don't know how to feel
But someday I might
Someday I might

Mm, mm-mm, aah-ooh
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm

When did it end? All the enjoyment
I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend
It's not what he's made for
What was I made for?

'Cause I, 'cause I
I don't know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don't know how to feel
But someday I might
Someday I might

Think I forgot, how to be happy
Something I'm not, but something I can be
Something I wait for
Something I'm made for
Something I'm made for

~~~