Derisive Thunder (Ei[Raiden Shogun] X Fem Reader)

Chapter 26: If Only

[Ei's PoV]

A million thoughts suddenly came into my head when Y/n somehow agreed to help us back at the Plane of Euthymia. We had a little fight, but my way of words seemed to have an effect on her that I managed to let her talk.

The Shogun gaze to me back then, indicating that I had won our bet, however, I couldn't just stop there. I still needed her to change what her mind was thinking and her heart. Well, if only it was that easy.

When eyes met with that of Y/n's...  I knew in from my heart that I must do whatever I can to change her mind, with the hope of bringing her even closer to me, and now was my chance.

This would be a battle that I must wage with both of my mind and heart— one in which I could not afford to lose.

Cause up till now, I knew that Y/n already crossed the line and the matters between her are not to be taken lightly especially her temperamental mood.

Although even if I have nothing to lose if I kill her, I knew that something will be missing along the way... Was it my longing for her? Or was it the emptiness of my heart after I slay her?

As I looked upon Y/n's face, I could feel her gaze burning into my mind. There was nothing but disdain and resentment deep inside her eyes. And yet as though pulled by some unknown force, I could feel something within my own heart... Is it another pain of loss? Guilt? I truly don't have any idea anymore.

I couldn't decide on what's wrong and what's right. Can I really talk her out of it and perhaps share my goal of eternity with her? Or is she really only a threat towards eternity? My mind told me to stop this foolishness but my heart couldn't care so. I am conflicted on which way should I really go.

From the look on the Shogun's unwavering gaze, I could clearly tell her thoughts, and it seemed to me she was waiting for me to make a decision.

My heart was telling me to follow my feelings— to chase after what I want, with no consideration for logic nor reason.

My mind, on the other hand, could not help but remind me of the danger Y/n presented. This conflict was tearing me apart, between wanting something and knowing what I should do otherwise.

I was still awake that time and saw Y/n that night flying towards the location to where the waterfall was, so I followed her and there I saw her looking so... Peaceful.

When the rays of the moonlight shone on her skin, she looked very serene and relaxed. I couldn't help but think that she looked more beautiful...

As I watched her in secrecy, a thought had crossed my mind. Maybe... There was still a chance that I could talk her out of it... I felt a bit of a strange feeling... building in my chest.

If I followed my heart, what would happen if my choice turned out to be a mistake? What if it really was the end of everything? Could I live with the knowledge that I had chosen this end? Was it worth risking everything, just to give Y/n a chance?

However...

I was shocked to hear her response about my sudden boldness towards her that night. Due to the deal we made, she didn't even argue, fight nor mock me as though she was a different person.

And when she began to respond to my kisses, I couldn't really tell what was going on inside her mind, but if only she knew what her heart was really telling her.

When she replied to my pleading, moaning to my touch, I didn't know what I'm supposed to feel that night and kept thinking if all of it was just a dream?

But it was no dream.

The warmth in my chest was real, and it had filled my entire body. There could be no mistake— I truly loved Y/n dearly with all my heart.

What I felt in her eyes must have been the same. For one night, all of eternity was just the two of us, and no one and nothing could come between us.

I would certainly make that moment, a dream turned into reality, last forever.

As I think back to that night, it seemed too unbelievable to be real. Yet, there was no denying it; the heat of her breath against mine, her passionate response to my touch...

I knew, even if my mind refused to believe it, that this was as real as it gets, and would always remain in my memory... Or that was what I hoped for at least.

My heart knew the answer long ago before my mind even did. It had told me what to do from the very start, and I decided to denied it, but I knew this better than my own lie.

This was the closest I had ever felt with someone, both in body and spirit— and I knew it was eternity.

I sometimes hoped that my mind would eventually catch up to my heart, or perhaps for them to remain forever separate. For there was, at some level, an allure in keeping them apart.

My mind would tell me all the reasons why it was the wrong choice, why it would lead to disaster, but why doubt when the heart felt no fear of consequences?

When she told me that the waterfall was magical and could erase one's memory for about a day, I confessed to her that I love her... despite everything else that was keeping us apart and told her my own confusement since we'll be forgetting the things we did after we're finish.

As we stand beneath the cascading waters of the waterfall, the memories of that night began to fade. I felt as though I really was in a dream, as though it could not have been real. However, I knew that the love we felt that night was true, but we could not grasp it, not fully.

I do wonder... Would that feeling return once the magic of the water faded?

If only she could read the signs in front of her then I could help her find the way to who she was really meant to be.

For every step, every word, with every hour I am falling in to something wrong and something right; to love someone so dangerously.

Am I crazy? To love someone that vicious?

Hey, Y/n... After all of this, will you still be with me when the magic made us forget our recent and only memorable memory towards each other?

Although maybe it wasn't my own craziness... For I have understood the dangers of love as well as the joys it can bring... And in the end, before my memory began to fade of us, all I will be left with... is a feeling, that no divine power can ever destroy it.