gold-tinted glasses

stains

i hate looking into myself

every layer i peel back is splattered with you
sheets and piles and soaked through by a pentrating red
the faded colour looks like you

i can't wash it off

i hate
that i gave you my clean shirt
hate that we thought it would be okay
hate that i wanted to paint myself scarlet
hate that i thought the dye myself a new colour
it wasn't a clean cut
it ended before starting

all that's left of my hopes is a stain
i hate that i don't regret it
i hate that i like the pain the colours remind me of
i hate still remembering
i don't try to get rid of it anymore
try to shed my old sheets and step out of the soiled feelings
but i glance back and the paint is alive
moving and trying to colour me again
and
i hate that i still know it
i hate that part of me feels like i could still become red again
i hate that colours exist

i could cover myself in blue, but i don't.
a canvas doesn't heal
the stains never heal
the scars are so real and i can't ever pull them out
it dries ugly
some patches perfect white, others screaming maroon

i don't know who i'm becoming
i can't colour myself and i float in the palette
i think things will be okay but i'm losing myself
sometimes i'm all grey and worse than ever
the water tries to wash me out and i give in
let it drown me for some new feeling

it's quiet now

i know which songs can make me cry and i feel the tears drying
i go on walks and stare at the sky to feel happy
i talk and i smile and things are better and i really really am trying
i trace my finger along a bruise and it hurts more than i remember
can nothing wash out the stain?
i wonder if i could bleach myself just to finally root out the colours
undo the deep cuts
patch it all up

your sheets are clean
you can sleep in clean sheets
i wish
and
my thoughts won't touch you
my words can't pierce you like you pierce me
i want to forget, and i do
i don't know how you are and i don't want to
the fingerprints do fade
the smiles and soft words aren't in my ears

the stain does disappear just a little
i know it won't clear
but it weighs on me a little less
it's okay
the sky is clearing and i'm not looking at myself