gold-tinted glasses

old friend

i think i'm slowly realising that i really do not care.

it's my fault, i know. it was certainly never your fault.  you rile me up and burst into my life with enthusiasm, but i'm growing tired of returning that energy i don't have.

i want to cry, really. i always fuck things up and so i've tried to give you as little thought as possible. i don't whether i want you to stay or if i should never see you again.

when we are apart, i appreciate what we have -
but when you're really here in front of me, i feel like i'm suffocating.
you remind me of everything of the past and that's both why you are special and why i can't stand being around you

i admit it, i'm immature. i grit my teeth when you mention his name in conversation. i'm flailing to move on, and i'm sorry, but i struggle to handle it when you're a living reminder of everything that has happened.

and yet you are the only one who has endured all this time. the person who still checks in on me and still carries the same memories as i do from those months last year. i'm thankful, so i suppose i need to put up with you forever because leaving you wouldn't be fair.

a part of you is glad you're getting closer with him.  you two can pair off and disappear, the two loose ends that can tie themselves so i can step away from you both from regret. you'll realise that you two are forever more alike then you and i ever were and so you can leave me and the guilt will not weight on me.

but it's never a clean break. i would say i'm being more distant so we're slowly growing apart, but you say that i'm pissy and disrespectful as a friend. i guess there's no avoiding being the asshole, so i guess that's what i am. i am the asshole who doesn't want to really be your friend anymore. i don't feel very close to you at all, and it shows when i fail to be patient and warm with you these days. everything you say seems to irk me and i wonder how we ever became friends in the first place.

i just, wish i wasn't someone you felt was important to you. wish i could float away slowly without any grudges, because i fear i've grown out of the times where i needed you.
so i don't know, i'm contradicting myself.
i feel like i owe it to you to be your friend, but i'm sure that's not the answer you want to hear either. i just
don't feel the same way you do about our friendship

and you're delicate, we both know that. i can't ever admit that sometimes i can't bear to talk to you, because it would and already has snapped you and hurt your perfect image of what we have.

i just

am tired of dealing with you
it's a burden i wish wasn't a burden at all
but it's draining to talk to you

i won't act like it's absolutely awful. there are times where i do enjoy and cherish you, but those days are becoming fewer and fewer. i feel like i'd be a lot more comfortable seeing you less often, as a perfect image in my mind, but i know that isn't really fair to you.

and it's not about you and your problems, i promise. they might drag down conversation, but those are the times i feel like i can kind of pay you back for helping me all that time ago.

i just
am getting tired

--

i've calmed down now. it really isn't that deep! we're just friends. i can have more friends i enjoy more, yes, and i can be polite and patient without being an asshole.

it's all okay, as long as i do things right