gold-tinted glasses

hills and sinks

i've been quite ill these days
funny how a little discomfort is what it takes to really drop everything and take care of myself
i take the day off and i wander on a pilgrimage i wonder why i've never taken
down the street to the park by my house
around the perimeter and pass the great willow tree and all the dog walkers
on the bus to the park opposite the girls' school
look at all the flooding from the rain in the crater
wander to the park with the squirrels and the herons
and the lady feeding them that seems to always get annoyed by me
and as the sun sets, to the park that feels a little like home
a little hill to catch the sunset a little better between the trees, daffodils trailing and flooding all down the side
and the moon, clear and confident on the other side

i catch moments of peace like that between headaches and restless nightmares i can't make sense of and naps and quiet exhausted journeys on the bus home

because sometimes the world is all upsidr down

i haven't played genshin in too long!! and i nap when i go home but it's finally ok for once because i'm ill and my body is exhausted from school
and so i can use my free periods to do all my homework!!
and i can go on walks because i just took a day off sick which i've never ever done before

but i still haven't drawn in a long time
or touched my piano
and i haven't been becoming more fit or flexible like i wanted to
and i don't think i've been eating the best

and i'm not sure what to really feel excited for
rest i guess haha
and maybe i'm a bit burnt out of caring for people but everyone's candles are floating on the surface of the water anyways

i'm not really sure if i enjoy skating anymore
maybe it's the bigger group or the fact that i was late today or i'm rusty and i feel like i'm obligated to talk to certain people whoch is nice and also tiring and maybe it's just me being ill today or maybe i just don't love it all as much as before, i don't know

sometimes i feel like all i am right now is school and home and a little bit of everything in between
i should hold tighter to my parents though because i'll miss them too late

it all feels wrong and like i'm losing sight of everything

and then other times the sun cracks open
when i'm walking up a hill to the bus stop at the top on a saturday morning
snd the air is just brighter in a way that makes me happy in a way i can't explain well
it's like the green and the petals flying from the trees are all alive with something more
and i'm coughing and i'm feeling more exhausted than ever these days
but with a sweet song playing from my phone and a little wind in my ears,
i thank the sky and the lord and this moment
for these fleeting moments

the little things, because croydon high street isn't the most glamorous thing
but a little sun and a kpop song from 2018 and life is good, you know?
giving high fives to the little kids and talking about the holidays to friends i don't see at school
it's all mundane but i feel alive
a little of the energy of music, sunlight and people
it's all i ask for

and i felt a lot of joy and peace
hanging out with my church boys
but now i'm sat quietly doing my maths homework at eleven pm feeling cold and stuffy in my nose
and i feel at a far far low like i'm about to break