gold-tinted glasses

i don't think i can be a therapist

that's what people ask when i say i'm going to do psychology at university
but
three of my friends tried to kill themselves and another is struggling because their close friend passed all of a sudden
and i feel
burdened?? and a bit desperate and helpless
like
i'm sitting and nodding my head from my chair, giving my words i know won't penetrate their heart
and the pain they have is so much unimaginably more than me and their heart and guts and life is all over the floor in a bloody mess
i just
i just live my life once the party's over and the alcohol's gone from the system
she asked me if i've ever wanted to die
the answer is only ever a little. i've grown to love life too much and i thought it was a great thing, but now i'm looking from the moon while planet earth is ablaze and disintegrating away
i can't live and love life for them so i just
i don't know..

i'm not sure what to do
all i know is i could and should do so much more
i feel so awfully guilty for
existing without their internal conflicts they battle
i want to disappear, but that would be awfully irresponsible
i want to keep dancing but i can't possibly be dancing when the floor is empty
who am i in charge of saving? who can i trust and neglect for a little while? is there anything i could actually do to change their mind?
all i know to do is cry and scream
the weight of all should be so little and i'm a wimp for struggling with this when they can all put up a front through their suffering
and i'm a fucking softie and loser and a wimp
i'm scared
and i'm paralysed here, useless because i just can't go on

everyone needs therapy
i don't know if i'm the therapist though
life sucks, but not the most for me
how do i help
how can i do more