gold-tinted glasses

radio silence; an excerpt

'and.. so...' i didn't quite know how to approach the topic. 'when did you start going out? if you don't mind me asking...'

he was silent for a moment.

'there wasn't really a beginning to that,' he said. 'it wasn't - i don't even know whether we were going out.'

i almost asked him what he meant, but then thought i should just let him explain in his own time. he seemed nervous and was tumbling over his words; his eyed were downcast at the pavement.

'he knew i was gay for ages,' he said, his voice soft. 'we both did. since we were, like, ten or eleven, maybe. as soon as we understood what gay was, we knew that's what i was. we...'
he ran a hand through his hair.

'we used to kiss sometimes, when we were kids. when we were alone. just little childish touches, little pecks on the lips because we thought it was fun. we were always... really affectionate with each other. we'd cuddle and... we were kind to each other, rather than nasty like most children. i think we were so caught up in each other that we just... missed all the heteronormative propaganda that's thrust at you when you're that age.'

it sounded like the sweetest thing in the world, but his voice shook like he was talking about a dead person.

'we didn't really realise it was weird until- yeah, until we were ten or eleven. but that didn't really stop us. i guess... i guess i always felt like it was more romantic than he did. he always just treated it like it was something that friends did rather than boyfriends. he... he's always been weird. he doesn't care what people think. he doesn't even, like, register the social norms... he's just caught up in his own little world.'

a pair of strangers walked past us, laughing, and he paused until they were gone.

'and i guess... you know... when we were teenagers, it all got a bit- a bit more serious. it wasn't just pecks on the lips any more, you know?' he chuckled awkwardly. 'when we were around fourteen, i think, i was- i made the first proper move. we were just playing a video game in his room and i just... i just asked him if i could kiss him properly. he was a bit surprised, but he was like, "yeah, okay," so i did.'

i was holding my breath and he laughed at the look on my face.

'why am i even telling you all this? jesus. yeah, so... we sort of went from there... kissing more, and... doing other stuff as well. i always asked him, you know... he's not- he's never been very clear about what he wants... he's so quiet and- and he's a massive pushover as well... so whatever we did, i always asked him first, i always said he could say no if he didn't want to do something... but he always said yes.'

he paused then, like he was living it, like he was reliving all of it. this was a life i could barely imagine. i could barely imagine sharing so much of yourself with someone else, for so long.

'it was really... just something for us. we didn't want to be 'in a relationship', or be couple-y around other people we knew. it was all just for us in private, like we had to protect it, because we didn't want the rest of the world to ruin it. I don't really know why... i guess i didn't feel like we were in a relationship at all. because we were best friends, first and foremost. and then i was somebody he kissed. so we never knew how we'd explain it to people.

he took a breath.

'we were so important to each other. we'd tell each other everything and anything. we were each other's first everything. first and only everything. he's - he's an angel.'

i didn't think i'd ever heard anyone speak about someone else like this before.

'but the thing was, he- he didn't want to come out because... he doesn't think he's gay, like, he says he doesn't really feel attracted to anyone except me.'