Trust [a. irwin]

thirty-four

hiiii okay I saw some comments on the traveling chapter I said that I only put some places!!! I didn't write out everything that happened in like 9 months!!

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As soon as we get back to Ashton's place he just stares at me.

"Go ahead. Say whatever you have to."

"I fucking hate you." I mutter.

"I figured."

"I fucking hate you. You're an asshole. You left me, without a warning. You- you fucked with me Ashton! I- I let you in! Then you left me!" I shout, tears already falling. "I knew you'd have to leave at some point, but I didn't think it would be like that."

I lean against the wall, he stays silent watching me with a sad look.

"Nobody knows most of the shit I told you! You were the reason I wasn't so sad all the time! Once you left, I didn't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this. I don't know why I'm even here talking to you right now." I cry.

Looking up at him, I see he has tears pooling in his eyes.

"Maybe it's because... I need you. I fucking need you. And I hate myself for it."

I lean up against the wall and slide down it, so I am now sitting on the floor with my knees pulled to my chest.

"You just left and didn't tell me and I had to find out by fucking note! Do you not get how shitty that made me feel? I thought you had some kind of feelings for me, but I was so wrong." I bitterly laugh through my tears.

"That's bullshit! You know I have feelings for you!" He exclaims.

"If you had feelings for me how could you leave without saying anything?!"

"I didn't know how to tell you! Do you know how hard it is to try and tell you I'm leaving?!" He responds.

"Why? Because all of my fucking problems? I know." I reply, rolling my eyes.

"No, Emma-"

"Save it! I know it's hard to deal with me. But I thought you were different. I thought that you would've at least told me. I told you I have problems opening up to people, I told you that I don't get close to people because I'm scared they'll leave me. And what did you do? You left." I spit.

He looks away from me wiping his eyes and I continue.

"I don't even want to tell you what happened after you left. What I did to myself, what I put myself through..." I quietly say.

"I caused that much pain?" He chokes out.

I look up to him with my tears rapidly falling, "What do you not get about me having all these problems, especially with people leaving me! I needed you Ashton. I fucking needed you!"

That's when I finally break. I begin to sob. Like crazy.

"Emma..." Ashton softly says before sitting next to me on the floor and pulling me onto his lap.

I would yell at him not to touch me but like I said, I need him.

"Fuck, I hate myself." I mumble through my tears.

"Please don't say that." Ashton quietly cries.

Well right now it's the honest truth.

I continue to cry into his shirt as he gently rocks me in his arms.

"Emma, I am so sorry I did this to you. I can't explain how sorry I am. I wanted to be the one to help you." Ashton softly says through his crying.