Trust [a. irwin]

nineteen

"You know what? Now that it's not your birthday anymore, I won't be able to mess up your birthday... I think... I think I'm ready to tell you."

"Really? You're going to tell me? You trust me?" He questions, forcing me to look up at him.

"B-But I don't want pity. I don't want you to act any different around me. I don't want things to change. Please promise nothing will change."

"Nothing will change. I promise." He whispers.

"Really?" I ask, moving away from him so that I can sit across from him, facing him.

"Emma, I don't think whatever it is will change everything that much..." He nervously chuckles.

It has before, nothing's stopping it from happening again.

I take a deep breath, "I-I haven't told you about a big part of my life, you're right."

He reaches out and grabs my hands, "Hey, relax, it's just me."

"But see, that's the thing. I literally can't relax." I tell him, pulling my hands away from him. "I-I... I have an anxiety disorder. That's why I always seem nervous. Please, please do not feel pressured to respond, I know how hard it is to react to that."

When he just starts at me in concentration, my heart starts beating faster, I feel lightheaded, my body starts to shake, and I know that I need to leave the room.

"Em, wait." He quietly says, wanting to follow me.

"No. At times like this... don't follow me. Don't try t-to talk to me... b-because, I can't." I tell him, having to pause because I can barely talk when I'm like this.

I leave the room, going straight to the bathroom and locking myself in there.

Telling him right now is something I probably shouldn't have done. I haven't even told him everything yet.

I lean up against the door before sliding down it, trying to breathe properly.

Telling people is one of the hardest things for me to do. It's not easy, trying to tell somebody about something so personal.

I hear him walk over to stand right outside the door, but he doesn't knock.

"I'm right here." He whispers. "I- Em, I'm here."

I sniffle, just trying to not cry.

Hopefully I won't be in here as long as I was last time.

-

As soon as I open the door, Ashton's there, holding his arms out for me to hug him.

He pulls me into a hug and I sigh, "I haven't even told you everything."

"Oh, okay, come on." He says, bringing me back to his room.

We sit how we were before and he looks at me, wanting to know, but he doesn't force me.

"I also- I suffer from depression. Again, you don't need to reply. I-I- just- whatever. I'll go home." I quietly say.

"No, stop trying to leave." He whispers, moving closer to me.

"I-I don't think I should've told you." I mumble, trying to stay calm as he pulls me onto his lap. "I-I don't w-want us to change."

"Do you really think I'm that horrible? Nothing is going to change." He whispers.

"I feel like you'll act weird now when I call you at two in the morning. I feel like you're going to treat me like I'm fragile, like I can't be taken out places. I feel like... like we're not going to be the same anymore." I cry, barely able to say all of that.

"I care about you. I'm not going to act any different because you decided to trust me."

"I'm so sorry." I whisper.

"For what?"

"For being so fucked up." I mumble.

"Em..."

"Please don't change." I beg.

"I'm not going to." He replies

"Yes, you are."

"Please trust me, this once. I promise you, I'll always be here for you. This will not change a thing. You're still important to me." He says.

I move away from him, I felt like I couldn't breathe in his arms.

"I don't want you to change. I don't want you to act different because I know these things."

"Can- can we just get drunk now?" I mumble.

He chuckles, "Sure."

-

"You know, I should've been drunk when I told you. It would've made it a million times easier. I think." I mutter, laying down in Ashton's bed.

We did get drunk. We didn't talk much.

I think Ashton is almost sober, I'm still completely drunk.

"Em, hey, it's four in the morning. You should really get some sleep." Ashton says, pulling me closer to him.

"Yea, but I feel so great because I finally told you. I want to go out and celebrate." I giggle.

"We'll celebrate in the morning, okay?" He mumbles.

I sigh, "Okay..."

"Goodnight, Em." He whispers.

"Night, Ashton. You're one of the best people in my life right now. I mean, there really aren't that many people, but you're like, the best." I ramble. "You're like-"

"Hey, Emma. How about we try sleeping." Ashton yawns.

"Yes, okay. Goodnight."

He chuckles, "Goodnight."

He falls asleep quickly and I just stare up at him sleeping peacefully.

"Hey, Ashton." I whisper, moving his hair out of his face, "I- thank you. For being so understanding. You're just as important to me, as you say I am to you. You're like, the only person who didn't act totally weird when I told them... Thank you. You've really been there for me. I want to just, talk about everything now, because you know. You're an amazing person. I hope one day I'll be able to tell you when you're actually awake, and we can just talk for hours."

I sigh, running my hand through his hair.

"Goodnight." I whisper to him since he's still sleeping.

And when I turned over to go to sleep, I didn't notice the small smile on Ashton's face, because he wasn't sleeping, I actually did tell him.

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hello. goodbye.