Trust [a. irwin]

twenty

"Hey, Em." Ashton says, standing in the doorway of his room.

"Hi, Ashton. What time is it?" I question, sitting up.

"Well, you definitely need to get out of bed." He chuckles.

I groan, checking the time.

"Ashton, it's only nine."

"Yea, exactly. We're going out. I'm bored."

I groan, "You woke me up because you were bored?"

"Yes. Because these guys are dumb."

I sigh, "Fine, whatever."

Getting up out of bed, I walk over to where I keep a bunch of my clothes that he says I brought here because they think I basically live with them. Really, it's just clothes I've left behind after I've changed into something of Ashton's.

"Okay, well I need to wash these." I mumble.

"Yea, see, I didn't know... Michael actually washed your clothes already." Ashton mumbles. "I guess since they were laying around he took them and-"

"I see that. Michael, where the fuck is my bra!"

"You had a bra laying around here!?" Ashton exclaims.

"Yes, because when I wore one of your sweatshirts I took it off." I reply.

"You- Em- When?" He questions.

"It doesn't matter when."

"See, this is why we always ask if you're a couple." Michael tells us as he enters the room.

"Give it back, Michael." I demand.

He groans, "Fine."

"Thank you." I mutter when I catch it, after he throws it at me.

"So, Ashton, are you going to be taking that off of her tonight or what?" Michael chuckles.

Ashton slaps Michael's arm as he runs off, and I just shake my head at the two of them.

I grab some clothes, and turn around to see Ashton staring at me.

"Hey." He smiles.

"Hi." I chuckle. "I- uh, about what happened- what I told you..."

"Nothing has changed still."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

He nods, "You're still special to me."

"Thank you, for understanding." I whisper.

"Emma, of course I'd understand."

"I- You know what, I'll just go get ready." I mumble.

He nods, and I push by him, having to get to the bathroom.

-

"So, am I allowed to ask you questions? Or do I not say anything? I- I'm sorry. I just- I want to talk about you." Ashton mumbles, before sitting down.

We're out at the cafe where we first met, Ashton's sitting across from me.

"What do you want to know? You can ask whatever... I just may not answer some of the things you ask."

"I- okay. Just... What was school like for you? Like, dealing with anxiety?" He nervously asks.

I take a deep breath, "Well... A lot of it was hell. I mean, sometimes just trying to sit in class was horrible. Places like this too-"

"Wait, like this? Was it bad for me to bring you here?"

"Ashton, we met here. Don't act like this, please." I beg.

"I- I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. I- I just don't want to make you upset." He mumbles.

"You said you wouldn't act any different..." I whisper.

"Hey, I care about you. You can't get mad at me for caring."

"I'm sorry. Nobody really cares, it's weird. It's not a normal thing for people to actually care." I reply.

"Continue what you were saying before."

"It's just that I've missed out on a lot, with school. With everything really. But with school, it's just... harder to make friends. I was rarely invited to parties, when I was, I wouldn't go. I almost skipped my graduation. I didn't go to prom. One thing I really regret is missing prom, actually."

"A lot of girls look forward to prom, and you didn't go?"

"I felt like I couldn't. I didn't have a date, I didn't have friends. I was literally alone. I- I really regret it. I missed out on something I'll never be able to do again. Fuck, I regret it."

"You seem really upset about missing your prom."

"It's one of the worst decisions I made due to my anxiety. But that's why I refuse to miss out on this traveling I'm going to do." I reply.

"I'm glad you're traveling. I- I mean, I don't know much about how all of this is for you but-"

"You seem so nervous talking about this." I interrupt.

"Well, I guess I kind of am. I don't know, I'm scared I might say something that bothers you, or might sound rude. I don't want to upset you."

"It's okay. I'm not a baby."

"I'll just let you talk." He mumbles. "But I do have a question. How many times have I caused you to have like, a-"

I chuckle, "Ashton, I don't know if I want to tell you. You'd probably feel really bad if I just say once."

"It's been more than once?"

"Ashton, when we first met just having you say you were here with me, then actually meeting you made me feel anxious. Or even when you asked for my number. There's been a lot, but it's not your fault. It's never your fault." I tell him. "I think we shouldn't talk about this for now."

-

"Emma, you should quit smoking." Ashton mumbles, looking over at me.

We're up on my balcony, and Ashton is just frowning at me as I smoke.

I want to be alone, but I don't want to talk to Ashton.

"No, it relaxes me."

"That isn't necessarily a good thing, Em."

I sigh, "I know."

I bring the bottle of alcohol in my other hand up to my lips after puffing out smoke.

"And the drinking. Stop." He says, taking the bottle away from me.

"I feel like shit right now. I don't want to talk about it, I want to drink, please."

"Do you drink when you feel sad?" He asks.

"I said, I don't want to talk about it." I snap.

"I'm just going to go, okay?" He mumbles.

"Fine." I mutter.

He frowns, weakly nodding before he goes back into me room and leaving.

I frown, sitting down on the ground and cry. I don't really know why but I just breakdown.

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this was bad. I am sorry that it was bad. I am also sorry that I always say they're bad.