+ Positively Negative - | Freddie & Joey

16. Freddie + Conspiracy [Part One]

I COULD FORKING SCREAM RIGHT NOW! IT ALL DELETED AGAIINNNNN!

FINE! That's it! I'll just post. Obviously God doesn't want me to put up some huge Author's note. I'll just say that my laptop has died, I've been miserable and depressed -therefore couldn't write much- and my Saturday was terrible and I had Duke of Edinburgh where I walked around a forest for hours and got lost during a thunderstorm. Yes. It was great by the way. 

Now you may read. 

Fork sake. This sucks.

PS. Listen to the song?

Oh and guess who the cover is? That's right! The French boys who stayed at my house! It was a perfect picture and it fit... So ... Hehe, I don't think I'll tell them.. Going over there in two weeks ! Yay French exchange .. 

Chapter Sixteen

Conspiracy

Freddie +

All through Spanish, my thoughts were in chaos. They jumped from Dmitry, to Joey, to Sherry, to my father.

What had I done?

When I’d met Joey in the toilets I had wanted to walk straight out again. I wanted time to myself; to think about everything. And by the way that he looked I knew I wasn’t going to get that.

As he was explaining the Sherry thing I got angry thinking Tom had told him to say it, but Tom would never do that… And I’ve no idea how my other boyfriends would contact him seeing as they don’t attend the school. Then I remembered that she’d done it all before. And I could believe it even more seeing as she’d ignored me when she walked into Spanish and sat next to some guy that she’d always sworn she hated. Why was she doing this? Telling me she hated people and then… Liking them? Apparently anyway. I didn’t understand her. I didn't understand anything.

I felt really sorry for Joey too. He clearly didn’t understand what he was getting himself into. Losing all his friends- and why? It couldn’t be for me. I wasn’t a big enough deal to be bullied and tortured over. He didn’t understand how bad it could get. How miserable he would be.

I didn’t like the thought of Joey becoming miserable or depressed.

And then I’d gone and let him kiss me… I’d told him I wanted it… Which I had at the time, and I did now, but Dmitry… There was no way of me getting in touch with Dmitry but what if he contacted me - I would have to choose between the two of them… And… Joey would get hurt… Because I would pick Dmitry, wouldn’t I?

And when he’d kissed me it was so hard to push him away and ask what we were doing because I didn’t care, I liked his arms exactly where they were. Fuck, and then he practically admitted to being in love with me. That was something I’d never even imagined would happen. But I realised that…I wanted Joey. I liked him. 

How the fuck had it all happened? When had it started?

Then there was dad. I had to apologise to him. I knew I wasn’t sorry that I was gay, and I wasn’t sorry about what had happened between me and Dmitry. But I was sorry that I upset him, that I was rude, and that what I was upset him. 

My dad was dying. I couldn’t go on pretending it was a lie or a joke or not happening. When I got home I would look for dad, and I would apologise, and everything would be better. Even if I couldn’t be straight, he would know that I was sorry, that I didn’t mean for it all to happen. Things would change.