Rogers (Steve Rogers AU) 18+

20

Steve

I don't finish reading the script that I promised Delta I would until the early hours. Putting it down and then sighing. "Well I'll be damned".

It's a good script, well, one of the best I've read - and it's certainly a role I'd have wanted or considered back when I was still acting, but now? I'm not sure if I can. Things are finally looking up, going right. I may miss the acting but do I really wanna mess my personal life up? Be away for weeks on end. I've never left Emmy, and even though I know she'd be in good hands with Delta - it would be the longest that I've been away.

I couldn't do that, and I couldn't ask that of Delta either. Plus I'd have the ranch that would need taking care of despite having Sam and Bucky on hand.

I turn off the light and settle down under the covers, but I can't sleep. In the end, I venture down to the porch and sit out there to try and gather my thoughts.

No. You shouldn't even be considering it. Emmy needs you. You go back to that life and they find out about her then you're fucked. You left it behind for a reason. 

I check my watch and see it's after 1:30 in the morning. Here I am with conflicting thoughts when it should be an easy decision. Throw the script in the trash with the others. 

I need a drink...

Getting a beer and sitting outside, I toy with my phone - wondering whether to press the call button. I could always call Bucky but I don't wanna risk the wrath of Nat running on little sleep tomorrow. And my call is bound to wake her. 

Scrolling the list I come to the name I need and press call. 

Dolly

It rings for a moment or two before she picks up. "Steve? Everything ok?" I feel bad for waking her up when she gets here so early to be with Emmy.  Her voice tells me that she was sleeping. 

"Not really". I admit, instantly feeling pissed at myself for being a burden. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you - I'll see you in the morning". 

"Oh no you don't" She sounds more awake now. "What's wrong? Has something happened to Emmy? Is she sick?" 

Her first thoughts are always of Emmy. 

"Steve?" 

I realise I haven't answered her and sit back on the porch swing. "I feel like shit, Doll". 

Without any hesitation, I hear her moving about. "I'm coming over, where are you?" 

"Sitting on the porch, having a beer and thinking about stuff that I shouldn't". I tell her, taking another swig from the bottle. "I read the script and now everything I've vowed? I'm rethinking because I'm gonna admit that I do miss it - not all the time and not all of it, but sometimes". 

"I'm on my way, go inside. I'll be with you in ten". She gently instructs me like she would a child. And I listen. I rise from the swing and go back into the house, sit at the table and just stare at the script and drink. 

You should do it. 

No, you shouldn't...

Just admit that you weren't always gonna stay in the life you have now. You're bored. 

No, you're not. You're protecting your child. Yourself. Stay in your comfort zone. It'll have been for nothing otherwise. 

I put my head in my hands and try to shake away the battle that's happening in my brain. Then I I hear her. "Steve? Steve look at me!" It's Delta, crouching next to my chair and coaxing me out of the war. 

My eyes meet with her own, and she senses how cut up I am. "I feel like I'm having a fucking identity crisis". I now admit. "I'm either Steve Rogers, the actor, or Grant Rawley the asshole ranch owner pretending to be someone he's not. On top of all that I'm the worse father in the world because I'm thinking about that script, and considering calling Phil to say I wanna go read for it. But I can't leave her. I can't protect her - yet this role could be the best yet. It's the best I've read..." The words come tumbling from my mouth, and I just can't seem to stop them. "To top it all off my dead wife is probably yelling at me from the grave to not do it. We worked hard to keep everything under wraps. This place, Emmy. If I go back and make a film now then I'll just expose us all..." 

Delta gently shakes my shoulders. "Steve. Look at me!" Her tone is firm but just as gentle as I stare into her eyes. 

"I can't deal with the media trying to take pictures of my kid. I can't fuck with what we have, because I don't wanna lose you. The press are fucking brutal Doll, I had enough of a time trying to keep my personal life from them last time..." 

She listens, she nods along and then she runs a hand down my cheek, gently caressing her thumb across my beard. "You're not a bad father. A bad father wouldn't care about the things you've just told me. He wouldn't be concerned about the safety of his child. You are just Steve. You're not pretending to be anyone or anything. If anything you're not an actor or a grumpy ranch owner - you're a father to a wonderful little girl who doesn't care if you want to go and do something you love. That is your most important role. But you need to start doing things for you - not for anyone else. You have to enjoy life too. Your wife? What would she have told you to do in this situation?" 

I swallow and think for a moment before answering. "She'd have told me that everything would be ok. To go for the reading and if it didn't work out? Then it wouldn't be the end of the world. She'd still be here with Emmy when I came home. We'd be safe, and that the chances the media would find us would be slim considering they haven't found us already..." 

Delta looks up at me and smiles . "Then there's your answer. If you want to do this, then do it. We all know that you miss it. Go get that part, be a sexy ass cowboy villain that I can soak my panties over and then come home. No interviews. No premieres. Back to us. Because we will be here waiting". 

I run a hand through my hair. "I don't know if I can do it..." 

"Steve. You know you can. This part? It was made for you and Phil knows that too - otherwise he wouldn't have sent it. If you do the read through and find you don't wanna continue, then you come home. But put yourself first - everyone else will tell you exactly the same thing". 

She gets up and slides onto my lap, resting her forehead against mine. "You're still Steve to me. You're still Daddy Gwump Gwump to Emmy. No matter what, you still have us. Stop overthinking this shit because it's not worth it". 

I move and brush my lips across hers, her body sinking into mine just as she does the kiss that I give her. "Stay". 

She grins and leans back to look at me. "Kinda have to considering I need to be here for Emmy in a few hours". 

"Then I'm taking the day off". I tell her. "Looks like I have a call to make".