Leaving The Lights On

Chapter Twenty Seven: His Sweetness

WARNING!

THIS CHAPTER MENTIONED TRIGGERING CONTENT. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! THE WRITER SUPPORT DEPRESSION AWARENESS MONTH.



Jean's Point of View

This morning makes me wanted to be swallowed by my bed. There are day's that makes me wanted to rest for a while after the overwhelming emotions I have received or given in straight whole week. Sa na panaginipan ko kagabi hindi ako nakatulog buong gabi after that.

Iyung iiyak ka nalang while thinking about that memories. You missed that person yet you can't even do a thing for you to not to. Iyung gusto mo sanang maibsan ang pangungulila pero hindi mo magawang nang paraan.

I'm currently laying on my bed habang naka-tulala lang sa kawalan. My door suddenly open at pumasok sa kwarto ko ang binata ko nang kapatid na lalaki.

"You fine?" Tanong nito ngunit hindi ako sumagot. I'm too exhausted and tired to answer his question.

He also then kept silent after I didn't respond. It's very like him, Winter somewhat more matured than me even if his just or still a kid.

He never gives me problems after our mom died. More like, he become more independent than I am.

He then sat down on my bed and grab my bag. May kinulikot lang ito rito at maya-maya pa ay inilabas niya sa bag ko ang isang set nang Acrylic Paint na ginamit namin noong nakaraan sa isa naming activity.

I'm not wearing a bra of course ano pa ba ang e cocover nang flat kung boobs at nakaT-shirt at short shorts lang ako. He was used to it, hindi naman kami nag-iilangan magkapatid, hello? Magkapatid kami.

He then grab some brush and started to paint in my ankle. Sasawayin ko sana pero talagang kahit sa pagsaway hindi ako namomotivate sumaway dito. Hinayaan ko lang ito habang siya naman tahimik lang na nagd-drawing nang kung ano sa paa ko.

"Sabi ni papa," he started to talk while doing what he wants on my ankle. "Intindihin daw kita."

Napataas ang kilay ko sa saad nito. So, ako pa talaga may kasalanan at dapat intindihin. Mga siraulo. Ano na naman pinagsasabi noong matandang iyun sa kapatid ko.

Napaghahalataang hindi niya kaya ugali ko kaya sinasabihan niya kapatid kung intindihin ako.

"Pero kahit pa hindi niya sabihin, I know, at na iintindihan kita." Pagtatapus nito sa pagsasalita.

Sa boses palang nito, walang halong kahit anong kalukuhan. He's so serious habang nagpipinta.

With that, he then stopped drawing at tumingin sa akin at ngumiti. With that he fixed the Acrylic Paint at ibinalik sa bag ko at umalis without saying anything.

As my curiosity grown, agad akong bumangon at tinignan ang ginawa nito. It's a tree with a lot of green leaf, under the tree drawing was a word.

Keep going! I know you can do it. Like a tree, you still have a purpose.

Agad akong na paluha sa nabasa at nanginginig na pinicturan ang drawing nito. I can't even imagine na sa ganoong edad ay iniintindi niya ang ate niya.

Bakit ka ganiyan ma? Bakit mo ako binigyan nang kapatid na ganiyan kung umintindi.

Halos humagolgol na ako sa iyak habang tinitignan ang drawing nito sa phone ko. All those years of thinking about taking my own life, bibigyan mo ako nang dahilan ngayon na magpatuloy. Nakakainis ka ma!

***

"Lapit kayo," mahinang bulung ni mama habang nakahiga sa kaniyang kama.

Payat at paminsan-minsan na papadaing sa sakit nanay ko sa kamang kinahihigaan niya. My dad was working para kahit papaano ay may panggastos kami at makakain.

Ako naman, I decided to quit school para maalagaan nanay ko. She's against it, at hangang ngayon gusto niya akong pabalikin sa pag-aaral. I know sayang, pero, ayuko rin namang pumasok sa school nang nag-aalala kung okay lang ba siya.

I can't even focused kung ang iniisip ko ay ang kalagayan niya. Lalo pa at wala nang gaanong nag-aalaga sa kapatid ko at sa nanay ko.

Magkahawak kamay kaming na paglapit ni Winter sa nang hihinang nanay namin. She hold our hands and let us set beside her bed.

She also advanced contacted her sisters and even my dad na galing pang trabaho.

"Can you promise," hindi palang ito natatapus umiyak na ako sa sakit nang naririnig ko ngayon sa nanay ko.

It's been a while since she was bed ridden. Halos everyday she's dealing with pain and how to survive for a bit. She even denied to get any medication even dialysis. Everyday she's slowly dying, yet she always thinks about us who's still healthy not like her.

"Promise me ate, babalik ka sa pag-aaral." Tumango nalang ako habang humihikbi sa iyak. My brother who's still don't understand what was happening hug my mom's slender body.

She then called my dad and talk to him for a minute saying something I can't understand. Binubulong nalang kasi nito sa tenga nang tatay ko ang mga sinasabi nito.

Blood's still coming out of her and this time, she's getting worst. "John! Please. . . the kids!" she repeatedly saying "The Kids" for a couple of times then looked at me.

"Hindi ko na kaya ate, oras ko na." Halos iyak ko lang ang naririnig sa buong kwarto. Muling humawak ito sa aming kamay nang aking kapatid at maya-maya pa ay pumikit ito.

Halos mawalan ako nang boses sa kakaiyak ng wala nang lakas ang kamay nitong pumipisil sa kamay namin. My heart aches more knowing my mom died while holding our hand, I placed my ear around her heart and I couldn't hear her heartbeat anymore.

***

That day I cried a thousand tears and wasted a lot of sob because of the pain she causes.

Because of her sudden disappearance, I tend to waste my time wasting my life like it was my end. I started partying more, late to come home, or even not coming home for weeks.

I started to get irritated when I'm at home, and started to scream a lot too. Minsan na sisigawan ko kapatid ko without a reason at minsan ilang weeks or ilang months akong hindi lalabas nang bahay or kwarto.

My mom's sisters begone to get involved and one time umabot sa point na gusto kung magpatiwakal. A lot of times, I found myself wanted to die but I don't want to die like I'll suffer first before dying.

I wanted to die painless and just drop died. Pero even if I wanted to die, there's this force or feeling that makes me not to do it.

Siguro sa thought na rin na ayaw kung machismis na mamatay na pangit o kaya dahil ayaw ko talagang mamatay.

Iyung thought mo na, you wanted to be heard but you just still didn't find who could hear you out.

And now, after seeing my brothers drawing. Mas lalo akong binigyan nang reason to live. Because of him, him with his sweet heart.

Mom! You raised a man in a kids body.